THEBETCHLIST

Your life, in list form.
228. Darty
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228. Darty

A betch’s night schedule is obv. You take a couple shots to pregame, go out, party, get white betch wasted, and have sex you won’t remember. The one day,...

224. Summer Homes
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224. Summer Homes

If there’s one thing we are grateful for it’s that our parents had the foresight to know we would need an escape from our stressful lives of working out,...

216. TBH
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216. TBH

If you’re a betch you basically majored in talking shit which means you got a minor in passive aggression. For this reason, we’re dedicating this post to...

210. Uber
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210. Uber

Everyone knows betches would rather stay the fuck home than take public transportation. And since our parents say it's rude to make our drivers pick us...

207. Kale
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207. Kale

"I loveee kale!"  - every betch In a chip or in a juice, or in a kale caes-air salad (a caesar salad drizzled with air, obvs), we're completely...

206. Emojis
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206. Emojis

It's time to talk about a method of communication more popular than the written word, more abbreviated than abbrevs, and more cute than Egyptian...

205. Waxing
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205. Waxing

Once upon a time, every betch's mom sat her down for "the talk." One of the most important moments between mother and daughter, our #37 betchy moms told...

200. Snapchat
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200. Snapchat

If 2011 was BBM and 2012 was iMessage, then 2013 is Snapchat. Aside from giving us another excuse to take selfies of the most beautiful person we know,...

199. Chasers
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199. Chasers

"Chasers are a very big thing for you" - When Harry Met Vodka When it comes to drinking liquids, whether it's #44 diet coke, #54 iced coffee, or semen,...

195. Equinox
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195. Equinox

When it comes to betches and exercise, from Soul Cycle to Smart Water we've covered nearly all the bases (not really, fuck baseball) of #118 working...

190. Black
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190. Black

Mascara. Your Chanel bag. Maybe your iPhone. Sunglasses. Jay Z. What do all these things have in common? They're all black, and they're all betchy....

187. Homeland
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187. Homeland

Sometimes when a high quality but kind of unbetchy show starts on a premium channel we'll get really into it but won't be sure why. In Homeland's case it...

184. Perfume
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184. Perfume

Perfume is every betch’s secret weapon. From making bros subconsciously fall in love with us to causing our professors to lean in just a little closer...

181. Cleanses
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181. Cleanses

“Iʼm getting my life together, Iʼm going on a cleanse to detox!” - a statement that gets us through our Sunday morning regrets like blow gets models...

178. Hummus
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178. Hummus

As betches who reserve the limited space in our hearts for items of true value like gold studded iphone cases and red sole shoes, it's obvious that the...

170. Naps
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170. Naps

There are few activities betches love more than those that solely benefit ourselves. Be this working out, doing drugs, charging shit to our dads' credit...

156. PLL
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156. PLL

Lets be frank and call a spade a fucking spade. Whether you're in your tweens, teens or twenties, you shadily watch Pretty Little Liars. If you say you...

147. Titanic
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147. Titanic

So recently there is a 3D movie craze that everyone is obsessed with. Along with the American public's hard on for motion pictures with multiple...

140. Tequila
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140. Tequila

With #26 Spring Break upon us, betches all over the world are taking a break from drinking their vodka sodas to support a business from south of the...

133. Gum
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133. Gum

Ever since we were young betches-in-training, people have been telling us to stop chewing gum. No gum in class, no gum at the dinner table, no gum during...

131. Being Sick
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131. Being Sick

So it's Decembetch and along with being the betchiest month, it's also a prime month for gross illnesses like the flu and winter coughs. Whether the bro...

128. Betch Code
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128. Betch Code

Along with being a betch comes a few essential unwritten rules. It's pretty obvious to every betch that doing things like drinking regular Coke, dating a...

126. Skiing
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126. Skiing

With Decembetch upon us we felt it necessary to introduce another favored sport amongst betches. Skiing, fucking duh, it says it in the title. A true...

119. Magazines
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119. Magazines

When was the last time you thought, "Oh maybe I'll read a book that doesn't involve sex, drugs, or Lauren Conrad's autobiography." We bet it was back in...

116. Halloween
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116. Halloween

Everyone knows that Halloween and New Years are the two nights a year when the freaks come out. It’s when people nice girls who never go out do. Ugh. For...

114. Salad
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114. Salad

When a betch goes out to a restaurant with her besties, she immediately scans the menu for the soups and salads. Why skip the appetizers and the entrées?...

113. Eyebrows
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113. Eyebrows

Every betch knows that eyebrows are shadily the part of our face that we devote the most attention and mental energy to. Why? Because your eyebrows are...

111. The 1%
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111. The 1%

For the past few days, we’ve been hearing murmurs about something called Occupy Wall Street. We assumed it had something to do with a fucking career...

101. Makeup
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101. Makeup

While betches are naturally gorgeous, makeup is a necessary tool in bringing out our God-given beauty and exuding a certain impression. The art of...

99. Betchhood
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99. Betchhood

Growing up, our teachers taught us that it's important to know where we came from and to be familiar with our roots, like figuring out the origin of our...

95. Little Dogs
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95. Little Dogs

Sometimes life gets out of control and there’s no one in the world we can turn to. Enter the little dog. For betches, little dogs are like an animal...

91. Tennis
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91. Tennis

Naturally tennis is the betchiest sport out there. Side Note: Before anyone gets on our case about horseback riding, golf or squash being betchier,...

90. High Heels
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90. High Heels

When a betch is getting ready, there are 2 questions she’ll inevitably ask her besties. “Whats everyone wearing?” and “Flats or Heels?” The latter is...

83. Sisters
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83. Sisters

Okay so while we’ve all seen The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants which taught us that with a little magic, it's possible for fat girls to share jeans...

80. Bitching
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80. Bitching

It's probably obvious that betches will happily bitch about anything and everything they can. This is what the #43 haters hate us for, but we're saying...

81. The Movies
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81. The Movies

As it’s become pretty obvious from the fact that we’ve devoted an entire section to reviewing movies, betches fucking love going to the movies. Movies...

79. Sexting
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79. Sexting

So it’s Sunday afternoon and you’ve just woken up, hungover as fuck and only moderately pleased to find that no one is sleeping next to you. After...

77. Shopping
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77. Shopping

As you're probably reading this while navigating the shoe section of Bloomingdales, it should be obvious that the holy grail of all betchy activities is...

75. Froyo
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75. Froyo

As we've reiterated countless times, when it comes to food, a betch prefers to pretend it doesn't exist. Watching a few episodes of Half Ton Mom or hell,...

72. Sushi
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72. Sushi

When betches go out to group dinners, there's a limited choice of cuisines that are appropriate. Italian food has too many carbs, Chinese food is too...

69. Besties
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69. Besties

If you’re a true betch, a name should automatically ring when you hear the word “bestie.” We’re not talking about just a friend in your circle, we’re...

66. The UGH
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66. The UGH

Throughout our posts, we’ve discussed many different types of besties. From the #7 BSCB to the #48 Dud, it seems like everyone has their role within our...

63. America
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63. America

Betches are inherently narcissistic, so it’s no surprise that we believe that whatever country we were born in is the greatest nation in the world....

62. Pros
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62. Pros

The relationship between a betch and a bro is quite complicated. We’re not talking about the actual romantic relationship. No, the complex part lies in...

61. Yoga
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61. Yoga

As we've talked about at length, working out is an essential part of a betch’s life. The extent to which you (pretend to) work out says a lot about who...

60. Sunglasses
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60. Sunglasses

Betches can't rave enough about how much we love good weather. Other than the obvious benefits like #27 tanning and being able to show off our pedicure,...

59. True Blood
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59. True Blood

Betches have a very limited choice of shows to like when it comes to TV that’s not reality. It gets hard to entertain ourselves in the off seasons of...

58. House Music
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58. House Music

As we’re sure it’s obvious to everyone, we’re living in the course of a musical revolution. And because betches are always one step ahead of the game,...

55. Dads
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55. Dads

So today is Fathers' Day but for betches it might as well be called Thanksgiving. It’s the one day of the year when we give back our moms buy Hallmark...

53. Shadiness
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53. Shadiness

Let’s talk about the shade factor. No, we don’t mean the jealous pasty betch’s BFF and relief from the sun. We’re talking about every betches' relief...

48. The Dud
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48. The Dud

In the group of besties, it's necessary that everyone brings something to the metaphorical table. You have the friend who always wants to rage, the...

45. Graduation
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45. Graduation

There comes a time in every betch's life when she has to say goodbye. We know that all good things must come to an end, like your mom making your school...

44. Diet Coke
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44. Diet Coke

As we’ve said before, betches are down to drink pretty much anything that gets us wasted. But on those occasions when you can't bear the thought of...

40. Formals
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40. Formals

It's early Spring and that means many things. First off, it's time for finals! Yes, we know that the betchy thing to do is to #36 blow off your school...

39. Twitter
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39. Twitter

So like, we get that at first everyone thought Twitter was retarded. We admit it, we were those people too. (I mean, how lame are Facebook status...

34. BBM
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34. BBM

As a betch, it goes without saying that you are, as a person, in extremely high demand at all times. We lead very busy lives, and it’s often hard to...

32. Winning
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32. Winning

So there's this bro you've wanted to hook up with for a while now. Being the betch that you are, it's only a matter of time before you conquer him....

31. Wine
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31. Wine

While betches will always be down to drink pretty much anything that will get us inebriated, there is one category of alcohol that will always hold a...

27. Tanning
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27. Tanning

For three seasons of the year, betches march to the beat of their own drums. Our days are shaped by the classes we may or may not attend, yoga, and other...

21. Abbrevs
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21. Abbrevs

Since betches are such a powerful force in society, it seems natural that we should have our own language, which thankfully we already do! If you’re a...

20. Clubbing
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20. Clubbing

Thanksgiving Eve, New Year’s Eve, Memorial Day weekend, Tuesday. What do these have in common, besides being the days your grandma calls you? “No...

19. Ugly Hot
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19. Ugly Hot

It goes without saying that a betch is very aware of her own beauty and hotness. We know that it’s never okay to stray from our #5 diets, and that even...

12. Tailgates
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12. Tailgates

Out of respect for the fact that it’s Saturday, generally considered the best day of the week, we’d like to address one of the best ways to get blackout:...

10. Candyland
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10. Candyland

Sometimes our drug dealers are on vacation too lazy to deliver (to my dealer: this is not how you run a business!) so illegal drugs are just too hard to...

9. Nicknames
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9. Nicknames

How many betches can say that they call their besties by their real names? The answer is like, NONE! Why? Because names like Sara and Jane are fucking...

5. Diets
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5. Diets

When betches are sitting around doing what they do best, #1 talking shit, one of their favorite things to do is point out the recent weight fluctuations...

4. Birthdays
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4. Birthdays

Ask any betch what her favorite day of the year is, and she’ll for sure say, “My birthday, obvs!” Birthdays are a chance for betches to dress way nicer...