There comes a time in every betch's life when she has to say goodbye. We know that all good things must come to an end, like your mom making your school lunch, your dad paying your credit card bills, and the inevitable termination of your Adderall prescription. After four years of spending your time getting wasted and #36 not doing work, suddenly that magical weekend in May is upon us. Yes betches, we're talking about college graduation.

But wait, shouldn't betches hate graduation!? It marks the end of four years of our parents paying hundreds of thousands of dollars for us to skip class in favor of smoking pot on our couch, and spending our summers making copies and fetching coffee two days a week for free!

If the thought of graduating makes you want to slit your wrists, it's time to reconsider. A smart betch knows this is only the beginning. True, we're moving on to the "real world," where it suddenly becomes way less socially acceptable to do things like selling your textbooks back to your university for drug money, but don't panic, betches. Post-grad life isn't going to be so bad.

Remember how fun it was to be a freshman in college? Now you get to be a freshman of an entire fucking city! Graduated betches are about to make a mass exodus from all sorts of bumblefuck states to major cities where it's no longer creepy to interact with a "local." You're opened up to a whole world full of new clubs, new bars and best of all, new people who haven't seen your rotation of outfits a million times. Say goodbye to the days of extending obligatory #23 pregame invites to those #38 frenemies who lived around the corner. Yes! We can finally ditch those bitches!

Best of all, graduating college marks the start of a new era, when bros no longer have the mentality that they can #8 fuck you without buying you so much as a drink, let alone not taking you to dinner. Fuck well-paying jobs and alumni networking, our diplomas give us the right to say that guys who want to get laid are going to have to open their fucking wallets.

Maybe dressing like a slut IS possible at graduation.

Now, let's talk about graduation weekend itself. At first glance it seems like spending a weekend with your parents, forcing yourself to act appreciative while incessantly #41 fake smiling, should be a betch's worst nightmare. And on top of that, we’re required to attend retarded school functions at which overachieving honor students GDI losers give speeches about the importance of like, work ethic and ambition. Gross. Speaking of gross... Is there anything more nauseating than that heinous cap and gown? The graduation getup makes it virtually impossible to #42 dress like a slut. Betches HATE this graduation gown.

However, while we can all agree that these unpleasantries are extremely irritating, a true betch knows how to look past it and milk graduation for all it's worth. This is the last time, other than your birthday and wedding, that you can reasonably ask for whatever the fuck you want from not only your immediate family, but your fifth cousin twice removed whom you haven't seen since you attended their wedding in 1997. Not only that, but graduation weekend is entirely centered around every betch's favorite thing. Ourselves! Usually it's tiring to feign modesty when people are constantly telling us how great we are, but grad weekend gives us a free pass to instead smile (Genuinely! Rare...) and nod in agreement. Even better, this free pass won't expire for at least another three months! Our parents are so proud of us right now, they won't even care that your summer plans are centered around #27 tanning and blacking out in NYC. So like we said betches, milk it. Hold onto daddy's credit card and hit Shop Bop hard before you're off the money train.

Also, grad weekend finally marks the end of people asking you annoying fucking questions like, "what's your major?" and "what classes are you taking?" You barely ever knew the answer to these questions and it was getting harder and harder to think of four new classes to be "enrolled" in every semester. Errr, Pharmacology 5990? It's a graduate class.

So whether you're suffering through the family affair that is grad weekend, or you're stressing about what to do with your life once this weekend has passed, just take a moment to relax and reflect on the major accomplishment of graduating college. After all, no matter how many classes you never went to, or how many nights a week you blacked out, your future employers will never have any idea. Remember betches, the diploma you're handed at graduation is just as valuable to you as it is to the nice girl who got the privilege of spending her Friday nights writing your papers while you were getting your B.S. in how to BS your way through life.

Tags: the betch list

Dear Betch,

I've been in denial for about eight months that my boyfriend can not be this controlling psychopath, that all my friends think he is. He constantly brings up my past, such as hook ups, partying and dumb shit like that... before I even knew him. He begged me to know everything (bad move on my part to tell him) and now he cant handle it. When he brings it up, he wants me to make him feel better and reasure him that he was still my first everything... because the guys before him didnt "count".

This usually starts a fight... me trying to make him feel better... than me yelling at him to get over it. He always needs to know where I am, when I get into bed, when I get out of it, who I'm with and what I'm doing. I guess boyfriends are supposed to want to know... but to what extent!? Advice please!!! Don't suggest breaking up with the lunatic.. I'm trying to fix this.

Love,

Controlled by my past

Dear Controlled By My Past,

Holy shit I can't believe you're dating Jay Gatsby. You can't repeat the past! "Sure you can, old sport," your boyfriend proclaims as he leaves you letters suggesting that if you can't tell him that you never loved Tom he'll simply murder you and your besties. I can't believe it isn't painfully obvious that you should break up with this insecure psycho.

Any relationship where the girlfriend begs me to tell her not to break up with a guy and then refers to him as 'the lunatic' obviously does not have a very bright future. Your boyfriend sounds completely deluded and in need of serious psychological counseling. A guy can either accept you as you are, while knowing about that one time blackout threesome or he can date someone else who fits his weird virginal molding. This guy is trying to change who you were to make you into the perfect girl for him and what's worse is that you put up with that shit. If he doesn't like your past he doesn't like you. He's obviously trying to control where you are and what you're doing because he doesn't trust you and is so insecure that he thinks any moment that he's out of the loop is the moment you're hooking up with someone else. This guy needs to work on himself before he can be in any kind of real relationship and accept the person he's dating the way she is. Move on. This shit sounds creepy.

Sincerely,

The Betches

Tags: advice, dear betch

Zoolander is a timeless classic for every betch. I mean, with male models, subliminal messaging, and corrupt token Asian prime prime ministers, what's not to love? It's where we learned that it's okay to turn left, that your friends can too die in a freak gasoline fight accident, and of course that there's more to life than being really really ridiculously good looking, but not that much. But most importantly, we learned how a Zoolander quote can be used into almost any convo. Here's what we love about Zoolander.

He taught us (and Karen Smith) how to fake sick. Cough cough.

Even really really ridiculously good looking people can suffer existential crises.

Derek is clearly mad flexible. 

Even male models need #152 expensive skin shit.

Apparently being an architect is hard.

The only time it's acceptable to consume the calories in a Starbucks frappucino is literally as your last meal.

Beauty is pain.

Iced coffee or die!

IT'S THE SAME FACE!

Hansel still so hot right now.

Fuck Hansel, Derek Zoolander always makes a comeback.

There it is!

Tags: movies, throwback thursdays

It's not an obvious fact that betches would love The Office. I mean, it's set in Scranton Pennsylvania where I'm pretty sure there's no Saks 5th Avenue within a twenty mile radius, the city is entirely middle class, and all anyone supposedly does is #36 work in a cubicle with fugly florescent lighting. But just as the povos relish in shows like MTV Cribs, we too can appreciate life on the other side. And upon closer inspection, we've realized the Office is basically a ten year story of people trying out ways to not do work while talking shit about their superiors to a camera crew. And we found that to be very relatable. Let's take a look at the betchiest lessons we learned from The Office, a show that proved that even the cutest couple can morph into annoying UGHs.

Being #122 inappropriate when telling jokes is a necessity

#130 Driving like a fucking idiot is not something to be ashamed of

Details are bullshit when trying to prove your worth. Just wear your #90 high heels

Don't be afraid to #197 overreact

Eating is torture

It's always chill to #42 dress like a slut to work

Green is for whores

It's important to remain close to your #52 GBFF

Making fun of the office #48 dud is a good way to pass time at work and also, identity theft is not a joke, Jim

If Pam can get a date, so can you

Don't hook up with a #70 delusional dater on February 13th

And finally, when it comes to having a real job it's important to warn your co-workers

Tags: funny shit, tv

Basketball - What is it? What does it mean? How does it work? Since science still doesn’t have any answers for us, all we can say for sure at this point is that it is a sport that people play, and right now they’re in the playoffs.

I’ll watch basketball the same way I’ll watch any other sport on TV (with the exception of soccer or car racing), but it’s not one of my “favorite” sports. In fact, I think it’s kind of weird for a guy to list basketball as his favorite sport, trumped only by college basketball. If you meet a guy and he says his favorite sport to watch is “college basketball,” report him to the authorities. He’s either a current or future terrorist. Only a bad, bad man would enjoy watching something so masochistic.

Anyway, basketball. Playoffs! LeBron James! Yes, all of those things are happening. The tournament is working its way into the conference finals, with two of the four teams having already secured spots. The NBA is split into eastern and western conferences, so in the east the #1 seeded Miami heat beat my beloved Chicago Bulls 4 games to 1 (playoff series are best of seven games) to advance. No one is super surprised by that. What’s more surprising is that in the western conference, the #5 seeded Memphis Grizzlies moved heaven and earth to trounce the #1 seeded Oklahoma City Thunder 4 games to 1, also advancing to the conference finals. Let’s talk a little more about the teams that are in the semifinals, and the teams that might be in the semifinals. You know, for talking points or whatever the fuck, and also because the Head Betches are making me.

Teams in the conference finals:

Miami Heat

The Miami Heat are probably the one team about which every girl knows at least something, primarily because LeBron James plays for them. The Heat started and ended the regular season as favorites to win it all, because any time you have Lebron and Dwayne Wade on your roster it’s hard to call yourself an underdog with a straight face. If you want to sound knowledgeable, talk about how the Heat don’t match up well with either Memphis or San Antonio, their two likely opponents in the finals. If you want to seduce me in particular, talk about how the Bulls would have totally beaten them if Derrick Rose were playing.

Memphis Grizzlies

I’ll be honest, I’d kind of forgotten that Memphis even had an NBA team. They don’t really have any singularly remarkable players, but they play good team ball and are a big, physical team. If you live in or near Memphis, you are probably very happy about their upset over OKC. I would imagine it’s the only thing to be happy about if you live in Memphis, aside from that Marc Cohn song. Talk about how Memphis is a solid team, but still had no business beating OKC and that Kevin Durant (the best player in OKC and maybe the world) is too good to not have a shot at a championship sooner or later.

Teams that will probably be in the conference finals:

San Antonio Spurs

The #2 seeded Spurs have a 3-2 lead over the #6 seeded Golden State Warriors (because California needs four goddamned NBA teams, for some reason). The Spurs have been good for what feels like forever, while Golden State has never been good, ever. Golden State upset #3 seed Denver in the first round and is hanging in there with the Spurs, but I don’t see it happening for him. Talk about how Tim Duncan doesn’t seem to age, and remind everyone that Tony Parker was once married to cougar and former Desperate Housewife Eva Longoria. If you want to discuss Golden State for some odd reason, mention how crazy good Steph Curry is at shooting 3-pointers, despite being a man named Steph. Maybe pull up “A Boy Named Sue” on the jukebox and share a chuckle.

Indiana Pacers

With all (insincere) apologies to New Yorkers, the #3 seeded Pacers are up 3 games to 1 on the #2 seeded Knicks, and that’s a deep hole out of which to dig. It’s happened exactly 8 times in NBA history. It’s not impossible, and the Knicks are playing tonight at home, but the Knicks were probably seeded a little too high and the Pacers seem to be hitting their stride right about now (you could say they’ve “found the right pace” if you want to make me want to murder you). Anyway, Carmello Anthony is the best player on the Knicks and another person most girls have heard of, in part because he’s a poor man’s Lebron and in part because his name reminds me of a candy bar.

So, that’s basketball right now. I’ll probably tune in to something more worthwhile, like baseball or golf or literally anything that isn’t basketball.

Tags: bros, news, sports with head pro

It's no surprise that we still love The Hills even though it hasn't been on air for about 3 years. But what better way to honor something or someone you love than by making fun of it? Here's some (but definitely not all) of the most ridiculous shit these people have said on the show. Oh you girls keep me young. 

Heidi: School gets in the way of everything. I’m like ready to finish already.
Lauren: Heidi, you haven’t even started here.

Stephanie Pratt aka The Genius

Klassy Kristin: 

Lauren: I have a very stressful job! I have to guard this VIP area!

Spencer Pratt, Betches and Gentlemen: 

Heidi: And their office is gorgeous. Like inside they have brick walls and these awesome paintings, and I get like a lunch break and stuff.
Lauren: A real lunch break. 

Heidi: I feel like it’s Christmas at home. Somebody always has to cry.
Lauren: Nobody cries at our Christmas.
Jordan: Yea, who cries at your Christmas?
Heidi: I always cry at my Christmases!
Jordan: Why do you cry?
Heidi: Because I never get the present I want.

Audrina's Permanent State: 

Whitney: Guys, I’m glad I’m skipping school for this day.
Heidi: I love ditching. It’s like a thing I love.
Lauren: She loves ditching so much, she permantly ditched school.

Whitney: It’s probably just a momentary tiff.
Lauren: Uh!  I love that word ‘tiff.’  Did you know that my name was going to Tiffany?  Or Crystal. 
Whitney: Crystal?
Lauren: Could you see me as a Tiffany or Crystal? 
Whitney: Tiff…Chris….Chrissy
Lauren: Crystal.
Whitney: Crystalllllll.

On Justin Bobby:

Jen: He's cute…
Lauren: Where?…
Jen: Six o'clock…
Lauren: Six o'clock I don't know where six o'clock is
Jen: Okay fine 11 o'clock

Heidi: I plan to win an Oscar. I'm very ambitious.

The Lo: 

Stephanie Pratt: I need something more in my life than going to AAs and going to bed at 10pm

Brody Never Needed To Say Anything:

Except maybe this...

Heidi: All good things come to an end, but the big thing for us post-'Hills' is our spin-off 'The Heidi and Spencer Show,' which is definitely happening.

Stephanie: OMG she found a guy for me it's one of Scott's friends
Audrina: Do you know anything about him?
Stephanie: Oh yeah I asked the 21 questions
Audrina: He has a car?
Stephanie: You know that's a standard and yes he does! He has a job also
Audrina: Good!!!
Stephanie: He is a professional lacrosse player but I dont know what lacrosse is...
Audrina: But he's an athlete so that's a good thing

And finally, this gem: 

Tags: funny shit, tv

We kid you not, our friend just sent us the most amazing news article ever. Good news, Stoner Betches, pot makes you skinnier. Voila, it looks like we have the answer to the obesity epidemic: legalize weed.

Seriously, some scientists discovered that people who smoke are less obese and less likely to get diabetes, and most importantly, have smaller waists. So we guess this means you can either go running to get skinnier, or stay where you are and smoke a joint. I mean, obviously the "scientists" are puzzled by how this could be, but every stoner knows that stoners are only hungry when they're not high, which is never, leading to a lot less eating in general. Also, smoking makes you lazy and no true stoner betch would waste their limited smoking energy on ingesting anything besides more pot smoke.

Read article>>

Tags: news, stoner series

Prince Harry finishes his US tour tomorrow with a polo match in Greenwich, CT. Unlike some of his previous trips to places like Las Vegas, this trip was the most boring shit I've ever read about. In addition to visiting Arlington Cemetary, Harry chilled with the Obamas, visited wounded soldiers, hung out with his new BFF Chris Christie, and played baseball with poor kids. God Harry, what happened to you? There was a time when you'd gladly do all these activities naked. Now we're going to have to wait like, 12 years for Kate Middleton's kid to start rebelling. Sorry Harry, you're royally boring as fuck.

Source: Business Insider

Tags: news

As a winning betch it's clear that you're in another league when it comes to playing shady games with the many bros in your life. But today we're going to explore one very specific type of mind game, a bro move with more potential to ruin your game than an Awkward Texting Dynamic. We'll explain with an anecdote.

Once upon a time you meet a bro, let's call him Adam, who's obsessed with you. I mean sure most guys are, but you think he's just okay. You don't really care, you don't really try, he's just another guy who's interested. Adam gets your number and starts texting you. You'll hook up a few times, and if you're a post-grad betch he will take you on anywhere from 3-7 dates and after a while you start to think this guy is worthy of the time you've spent with him, but you're nowhere even close to in-like. 

Suddenly a few days pass and you realize something is wrong...not like 'my period is 4 days late' wrong...but a small irritation in your mind as you notice Adam's texts have gotten shorter and less frequent. He's not ignoring you or anything but like, 'Why hasn't he asked how many Splendas I put in my iced coffee this morning? Where are his paragraphs detailing how many times his coworker went to the bathroom? What is happening in the world!?'

Betches, we call this move the Bait and Switch and if you've ever been there you know it's one of the hardest moves to anticipate and navigate. Sometimes it comes out of nowhere for seemingly no reason, sometimes there's an awkward interaction that might precede it. Either way, every betch knows the most desirable things are those you cannot have. It's no longer about Adam. In fact, you didn't even save him as a contact until he decreased the frequency at which he texted you first. But now all of a sudden, all your thoughts surround him so much so that you can't keep your eyes away from your phone or your mind off analyzing your conversations. This is because the game has turned on you.

So what do you do? For starters, you definitely do not ask him what's wrong. Either you totally forget about him if you can handle it (skip to ignore ignore ignore) or you sign up for the game because from now on it's all about #32 winning with the bro who thinks he can pull the Bait and Switch on the most amazing person he's ever met.

You're never the exception.

Here's how to conquer the Bait and Switch in a few easy steps.

Know the signs: A smart betch can sense the bait and switch coming a mile away. Like if you've heard from a million of your besties that this guy is a big douchebag to girls then you can assume he will eventually try to pull his usual shit with you. Which is why the second step is key.

Pull the Bait & Switch yourself: If you know it's coming, you can do it first. Just when you think he might be getting a little less verbose with his compliments or stops scheduling dates at Michelin starred restaurants, you immediately have to act less interested in him or preoccupied with other plans. It's called classical conditioning, and if Pavlov's dogs can understand the importance of a ringing bell, even the dumbest bro will understand the importance of a non-ringing phone.

Ignore, ignore, ignore: Once you've successfully turned the tables back in your favor you have to fucking keep them there, or all your work was for nothing. There's nothing like ignoring even just one text to leave your bro wondering where the fuck you are/who else you might be fucking. Even if you're doing fucking nothing, it's important to show signs of your own Bait & Switch behavior to keep a bro on his toes in your inbox.

Know when to give up: In some cases, a girl may claim a guy is pulling the B&S but what she really means is that she's delusional. If a guy has met another girl or is just not that into you, you need to get the memo. If this bro's text responses have consisted of only "kk" or "lol" for the past three days, you're done.

So betches, now you know the signs and symptoms of the Bait & Switch so there is no reason you should ever fall victim to it. However there is a reason B&S can also stand for Bull and Shit.

Tags: bros, guide, how to

Dear Head Pro,

I hate my bf when he is drunk. Ok so it's not as scary as it sounds, he doesn't beat me or get really mean when he drinks. When we drink together it's a grand ole time. But my problem is that when I am sober or playing catch up to him he annoys me so much I get in a terrible mood and cannot have a fun time. And this isn't the annoyed that he is having more fun than me it's the annoyed where I cannot stand the sound of his voice, he says stupid shit, and worst of all pulls me around, squeezes me and thinks that when I am whimpering and whining to stop that I am playing along. I have tried to get away from him in these circumstances by dipping through crowds and just talking to my friends. But he gets upset and thinks I'm trying to ditch him (which is true I guess). I suck at drinking now so getting wasted quickly on my own before him is not an option.

Do both of us have major drinking issues? Do I subconsciously hate my boyfriend? I should also probably mention I'm def a UGH but out of college now so why can't I go hard with my boyfriend and friends as members of society?

Dear […],

Adulthood brings with it untold pleasures. You can smoke cigarettes, get sanctimonious about Chick Fil A sandwiches, rent pornographic movies, and, once you’re 21, drink in public. One of the downsides of growing up, one that no one ever tells you about, is the realization that everyone is fucking terrible when they are drunk and you are not. It’s a fact of life. Drinking, while fun, makes us absolutely retarded, literally impeding our mental faculties. That’s why people usually do it socially in places specifically designed for that purpose instead of, say, at the dentist’s office. Your boyfriend doesn’t sound like anything malicious, just a drunk bro.

Still, you have a right to at least some consideration when you’re out with him, so that’s unfortunately a conversation you’ll have to have with him sober. Letting him know that he’s really disrespectful when he’s drunk might be all you need. I wouldn’t worry too much about being a UGH. To me, that’s more about mentality than it is function. When we grow up, all of us become UGH’s to some degree. Life just gets in the way. It’s good that you’re still down to go out, even if you’re not as blackout as everyone around you. Just keep in mind that, depending on how much going out factors into who he is, you may have simply outgrown your boyfriend. Change might be good for his health and general wellbeing, but that’s usually something that has to happen naturally. If you consistently find yourself being a dud when you’re out, it may be time to find some new friends that are more on your level.

Sloppy Kisses,

Head Pro

Head Pro,

I started dating this bro two years ago. As time went on and we both went our separate ways (aka home after college), our "relationship" turned into a casual, see each other when we can thing. When I started grad school, we lived closer so we hung out pretty frequently, but it was basically a friends with benefits situation. I obviously cared about this bro more than he did me, and he kinda started to treat me like shit, so I decided to cut it off a few months ago. He didn't do much to stop it, but we are civil and I am still friends with his friends, but him and I talk pretty infrequently.

Anyway, I had a recent totally random run in one afternoon with one of his roommates. I had met him several times and we've only casually spoken, but we both were done with what we needed to do so we decided to get drinks.  Drinks turned into more drinks, dinner, walking around the city... spending the whole day/night together. We totally hit it off. We since have been texting here and there, and met up for drinks once after. We kissed but that's it. We've made plans to hang out again.

They are two totally different people as far as I can see, and they don't really hang out or anything other than at the house or with a group. But still, do you think this is totally wrong? I also don't even know if my "ex" knows, and if I should even ask. What do you think? I do kind of like the kid… we get along really well and I'd like to see where it goes.  But then I wonder if he has any preconceived notions about me because of my relationship with his roommate (aka does he think I’m going to casually fuck him). I keep telling myself to do whatever will make me happy... but I just don't know if I should keep doing what I'm doing or quit while I'm ahead. Thoughts?

Thanks,

Can't think of a clever name

Dear Lazy,

I don’t really see the issue, apart from the two of them living together. That could potentially make things awkward as fuck, though an easy solution is to just not stay at his place until things are a little more steady and serious. Guys tend to take issue with their friends dating girls they considered their great loves or with whom they had an otherwise tumultuous relationship, but that’s about it. An on-again, off-again FWB-type situation that started two years ago and ended for good several months ago? Unless the guy’s incredibly insecure or whatever, he shouldn’t have much of an issue. We get jealous over the people we love, not so much over the people we used to fuck. In this situation, a guy’s mentality is usually “Good for him. I hit it first.”

I’m not sure why you’re so worried about “preconceived notions.” What, do you think that if your ex tells the new guy that you like a finger in your butt during sex that you’ll somehow be powerless to prevent that from happening? Are you afraid that, upon learning that you’ve in the past been down with a FWB situation, your new bro will transform from a well-meaning gentleman into some kind of sex fiend? The way I see it, if that were to happen, your ex basically did you a favor, because you would have found out that the guy sucked eventually. Stop overthinking it, and just do whatever feels natural.

Only Kisses,

Head Pro

Got a fucked up question that only the Head Pro can help with? Email him at headpro@betcheslovethis.com and don't forget to follow him on twitter @betcheheadpro.

Tags: advice, ask a pro, bros

She's the chicest dressed betch in DC, she hooks up with the most exclusive pro of the US, and her biggest frenemy is the flagpole that's lodged up the First Lady's asshole. She is Olivia Pope and this week's betch of the week.

Olivia Pope is the star of Scandal, a show we OBVIOUSLY love. Like, it's called Scandal. And it's on ABC meaning it's automatically on a higher level of ridiculousness than even your most gripping reality show. This shit is Grey's Anatomy but casually set in the West Wing, like Homeland for a dumb sorority girl or poor people without Showtime.

So as every Scandal fan knows, the season finale is airing on Thursday, and that means we will have to endure 4-7 months of suffering from Olivia-Pope-Intense-Face Withdrawal. It's a real thing. But really, besides getting really excited every time she and the "leader of the free world" hook up, the reason I watch this show is for these faces.

She does this almost-crying thing and she makes her face scrunch up and goes WHAT. DID. YOU. DO.

It's totes her acting go-to.

Olivia Pope's almost-crying face is to Scandal as Carrie Mathison's actual-crying face is to Homeland ...both total fucking assets.

And of course we will miss the really long proclamation speeches. Somehow everyone in our great nation's capital got the memo that if you want to speak about anything, be it the mole in the White House or the hot pockets you're about to heat up, you have to prepare a 2-5 minute lecture on the subject. It goes something like I AM THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD, I AM AMERICA, YOU ARE STANDING WITH AMERICA IN THE ROOM. SOMETHING VERY SERIOUS ABOUT SOMETHING NO ONE USUALLY TALKS ABOUT SO SERIOUSLY. INSERT EXTREMELY LONG SENTENCE. NOW LET ME REPEAT THE PHRASING OF WORDS I JUST SAID BUT WITH AN EMPHASIS ON A DIFFERENT WORD SO THAT YOU KNOW I'M DEEP, AND SERIOUS.

Olivia Pope is like the super betch of the political world not only because she's besties with the chief of staff and the president casually wanted to give up the presidency to hook up with her but also because she knows about every national government scandal. That's why her lips are so big, they're full of secrets.

Also, Liv dresses super chic. The reason she's the leader of the Gladiators in Suits is because she looks so fucking good in one. She even has cute little apartment outfits for when she drinks cute little bottles of wine in her cute little apartment when she chats with her cute little GBFF Cyrus.

She's also like, really philanthropic. She opens her arms and office to homeless assassins, girlfriends of guys who may put her in jail for fixing the election, and annoying gingers.

So this Thursday when you watch the finale of Scandal make sure to DVR it. This is not an advertisement, this is a recommendation based on our experience: When we watch it live we tend to miss all the important shit because our mind is busy wondering if Olivia's cheekbones are gravitationally possible.

Tags: betch of the week, tv

The New York Post has revealed a scandal so ridiculous it could've been thought up by Ja'mie King herself. Apparently rich NYC moms are renting disabled people so they can cut the line at Disney World. These "black market disney guides" can be rented for about $130 an hour. Apparently when you're with someone in a wheelchair you're allowed to go to the front of the line with up to 6 non-disabled people. Talk about a steal! This is both the betchiest and most disgusting thing I've ever read but hey, there's a market for it right? I mean, supply and demand? Every betch knows there's nothing worse than being bored on a two hour line for Space Mountain. Everyone who's anyone in the Manhattan elite now knows that fast pass is for povos, the real social marker is a referral to one of the Disney elite wheelchair guides. Good thing the 1% has now figured out how to do Disney like a betch. My only question is how to deal with the awkwardness of hanging out for eight hours with a person you've rented for the day casually pushing them around in their wheelchair. What do you tell your kids? They have a secret second cousin who lives in Orlando who will be joining them for the day?

Ja'mie: Oh you’ve got wheelchair people, that’s so cute! Oh my god I love disabled people. We don’t have them at our school. We’ve got like one burns victim, but we don’t have any mentally retarded people.

Source: NY Post

Tags: news

So Kanye and Kim were walking, looking away from the paparazzi, but then walked directly into a pole...

Then Kanye gets embarassed because world is inevitably going to see "such a badass" get a boo boo, so he flips a shit...

But that pap was totally George Lopez, right? 

Tags: funny shit, video

Talk about a party school. For University of Arizona's graduation last night, they threw themselves a mini rave in the middle of the ceremony complete with a light show, house music, and fireworks. Arizona has got to be one of the only schools where it'd be fun to roll at closing ceremonies. The only thing I remember about my graduation ceremony was being so bored I wanted to shoot myself in the fucking face. No wonder betches love this college. 

Tags: college, news

....Because why not?

"I'm Samandog and I have sex with everyone" 

But I'm a Cheerleader!

^ Taylor Armstrong dog

The first runner up in the Miss Hawaiian Tropics contest

I mean, my owner said 'heel'

"Oh I didn't see you there"

"I'm rolling like, SO hard right now." 

Do I look like Marilyn?

#42 Dressing Like a Slut

My dealer was late so he gave me extra

Going Vert

#13 Sunday Morning Regrets

Stop trying to make fetch happen.

Tags: funny shit, lists