Tracker Pixel for Entry
By The Betches on

Hey Head Pro,

Wondering why dudes are so bad at giving phone? No matter if it's texting or calling (and lets be honest, its texting) dudes seem to be the master at the one word, unfulfilling response. What gives?

Texty

Dear Texty,

Wh-wh- what the fuck? [Brain explodes, sources new one using funds raised on kickstarter, returns] Ok. Ohhhhhhkay. So we’re using “to give phone” as a verb. Are we now saying that a mechanic “gives fix,” or that a singer “gives song?” I don’t know, and I don’t even want to know.

Anyway, guys are bad at “giving phone” because guys fucking hate talking. Men use communication to convey information, not as a social bonding agent. Silently observe a group of guys watching a sporting event, maybe by crawling into a HVAC vent, or by disguising yourself as a decorative lamp. There might be some chatter before the event, but once it starts, no one’s talking unless something happens. There’s no need to. Women, on the other hand, bond by communicating feelings, stories, and shit like that with one another. Talking is an important part of your lives. It’s not for us. I’m convinced that ASL was invented not by Gallaudet, but by a group of bros who were sick and tired of having to speak at all. Do you know why betches in olden times used to freely open their legs for poets and balladeers? Because it was, to that point, the most words they’d ever heard come out of a man’s mouth, and they loved it.

This becomes a problem when we want to touch each other’s sex parts, because while you want to grow closer by communicating, he wants to bond with you by drinking beer and silently watching baseball together. Texting was a godsend for bros, because it gave us a means of conveying essential information without pesky shit like salutations, tone of voice, or having to end any conversation with “I love you.” So when you’re texting a guy a bunch of rambling bullshit and he responds with an “unfulfilling” single word, it’s because he pulled out the one significant portion of your novella and responded to it accordingly. Here’s a hint - if a guy is texting you often and robustly, it’s because he wants to see you naked. Long texts with emoticons are the 21st century’s equivalent to poetry, I guess.

Is this ideal? No, and bros and betches have been arguing about this ever since a medieval bro noticed his lady getting moist while listening to some foppish dandy strum a lute. But when this happens, don’t automatically assume you’re getting the brushoff. He may just be being a dude.

Courtly Kisses,

Head Pro

Head Pro,

My question is a simple one. When out and about at places where you are not purposely going to meet people (ex: grocery store, Barnes & Noble) and you are approached by a man that you are not attracted to, but nice, who is trying to start conversation, is it rude to continue keep talking to them even if you are not interested? Would guys rather you entertain them, then turn them down if they ask you out, or be stand-offish and not waste their time? Thanks bunches.

Sincerely,

Barnes & No thanks, I'm not interested (<--probs trying too hard on that one..oh well)

Dear Barnes & No thanks,

Actually, good job on the pseudonym. Possibly one of the best I’ve seen. If you’re getting approached by a man in a place like a grocery store, you’re about to meet a guy who’s in a bad fucking place in life. Men’s magazines are forever telling guys to do shit like that, and the only ones who do are so desperate to meet a woman that they’ll approach one while she’s checking cartons for broken eggs. Sure, if I see a hot babe in the bookstore I might be tempted to talk to her, but more likely I’ll do what any other gentleman would do: wait to follow her to her car with an ether-soaked rag.

Because I hate meeting people, this same thing happens to me all the time. My go-to tactic is to totally avoid anything open-ended. If you notice a guy coming up to you, try to not even make eye contact. Answer questions as curtly as possible, or maybe even with a simple grunt and a pseudo-smile if you can manage. When a guy approaches and you respond by turning your body to him, making eye contact, and smiling, your body language is telling him that he’s doing a good job and should keep going. Obviously, he is not.

I don’t think most guys want you to talk to them just for the sake of being nice. It wastes their time, and it wastes your time, and it leaves them feeling embarrassed that they put themselves out there like that all for nothing. If you can’t avoid them completely and get caught in a conversation, you’re better off making an excuse, any excuse, to get out of there. The bathroom is a fine choice. Or just say “nice meeting you, but I have to run.” Doesn’t matter. Whatever the excuse, what’s important is that you don’t let your time get wasted by some dweeb who’s read one too many Maxim articles.

Comer here often? Kisses,

Head Pro

8 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Lol says:

    Dying at the second one.. I literally had a guy ask me out at the store while I was checking cartons for broken eggs a couple days ago. Like.. I just came from a hot yoga class and I’m just trying to buy my shit so I can go home and shower. Please don’t talk to me. (Looking at them like you’re very confused as to why they would approach you in such a random place tends to work well)

    Posted on Reply
  2. <3 says:

    head pro, je taime.

    Posted on Reply
  3. Pseudonymph says:

    “Barnes & No thanks?” How about Barnes & No Bull…. You’re welcome

    Posted on Reply
  4. that'scasual says:

    With an ether soaked rag.. Tasteless joke.

    Posted on Reply
  5. Whatever says:

    1) Anybody that sends you a long text is listening to what you say and referencing it. Ie, a Nice Guy pathetic loser. Those short answers keep your panties wet, even if they’re frustrating at the time.

    2) Approaching people in random places is fine as long as you’re hot. It’s only unattractive losers who have to worry about when and where it’s ‘appropriate’ to pick up betches.

    Posted on Reply
  6. itslikethis says:

    regarding #1…. the biggest joke God made of us is this: Women have to feel close to have sex. Men have to have sex to feel close. (You heard it here first.) Now try to meet somewhere in the middle. Pft, good luck with that.

    Posted on Reply
  7. i don't want phone says:

    holy. shit. giving phone?! do people seriously have their panties so uncomfortably wet that they can’t wait until they see the guy in person get it in? sexting and “giving phone (sex),” just…. does not compute.

    i might be able to understand one day if i am ever in a long distance relationship, maybe, but considering all of my friends have either become ugh’s or end up finding out their boyfriend has cheated on them, probably never going to happen.

    save sexting and giving phone for never.

    Posted on Reply
  8. Alex says:

    The second one is fucking stupid I love to have conversations with people, even strangers. Just because A gu is talking to you it doesnt mean hes interested. Dont fuckin flatter yourself.

    Posted on Reply
Post your comment: