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By The Betches on

Once upon a time, every betch's mom sat her down for "the talk." One of the most important moments between mother and daughter, our #37 betchy moms told us what we needed to know: we'd never forget our first time because it'd fucking hurt, but as our gay BFFs know, it gets better. Above all our mothers told us it was crucial that, when the time came, we made sure to do it with the right person.

So thanks to our mothers, every betch enters puberty knowing that waxing is a given.  Every betch is doing it, and if you're not then you're weird, possibly #47 love the environment, and might be a vegetarian for real.

Sure waxing is about the least fun a betch can have while she's naked, but it's necessary. Why? Because if Missoni wanted hair sticking out the sides of their bikinis, they'd have made them that way, God Karen. Because it feels cleaner and the best waxes are elite and expensive. Also, thanks to porn, the guys that we handpick to fuck  just want to feel like they're in the sack with something that looks prepubescent, obviously. I feel like he really likes me for what my body looked like at 13. Either way, we can't expect him to keep it clean if we don't. If I wanted someone to floss my teeth for me I'd call my fucking hygienist.

Waxing is a quick way to lose a little weight in a world where every ounce counts against us. The importance of the right waxist cannot be overstated. Arguably the most selective you will ever need to be with somebody who sees you in the nude, your waxist should be a delicate balance between really cool and somebody we'd absolutely never fucking see in the real world. Does that even exist? In other words, she needs to be funny and entertaining so we're distracted, but not talk so much that we're like, "Why won't this bitch shut up? Oh right, because she's currently slow torturing me with hot wax." She also needs to be speedy about the whole process, which mainly entails not being scared of us or pausing when we threaten to call our father, the INVENTOR of toaster strudel, if she doesn't finish this shit right now.

The same goes for our #113 eyebrows. A betch can never be too careful who she lets touch them, lest she ends up without any left. We're not about to let somebody licensed to paint our nails via a paper certificate from the 90s leave their mark on our brows. Like all things in life, betches go to the pros.

Once a betch finds a good waxist, she usually makes it exclusive except in cases of dire emergencies and travels far and wide to visit her, despite huge inconveniences or thousands of miles. But Mom, I just like really wanna come home for Arbor day! ...so I can go to my appointment with Lisa.

As for other parts of our bodies, waxing is situationally necessary. A moment of silence for our Indian betches. Beauty is laser hair removal.

NO: male waxists, any sort of pubic hair design, post-wax vagazzle
YES: hard wax over soft wax, every six weeks or less, xanax

So betches, get waxed. It's like, the rules of feminism.

34 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Your Name says:

    Fucking waxing, betches get laser. 20x as expensive and the best results.

    Posted on Reply
      • lasered says:

        truer words have never been typed.

        Posted on Reply
  2. Your Name says:

    SHAVING is for PEASANTS #sorrynotsorry

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      I do believe peasants had full bush, dumbbetch.

      Posted on Reply
  3. Your Name says:

    Gotta love my Indian waxing/threading betch

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      true betches get their eyebrows THREADED by indians…fucking duh. waxing causes wrinkles ...like as if.

      Posted on Reply
  4. Your Name says:

    Haha Samantha is such a boss bitch

    Posted on Reply
  5. Your Name says:

    THANK YOU for the indian betch comment. like seriously, it sucks.

    Posted on Reply
    • My Name says:

      PREACH - South Asian betches have the worst time until the laser process is done. Except that it never ends with eyebrows.

      Posted on Reply
  6. Your Name says:

    thread the eyebrows and laser everything else, we aren’t in midieval times anymore…

    Posted on Reply
  7. LASER LOVER says:

    Waxing is for geeks and pedophiles

    Posted on Reply
  8. laser says:

    ummm its all about laser removal stupid betches

    Posted on Reply
  9. Your Name says:

    I don’t understand waxing during the summer because you’re supposed to be hairy before you get one done… how can you let that happen if you’re wearing a bikini on a regular basis?

    Posted on Reply
  10. Your Name says:

    Wait, who the fuck still waxes? Brazillian laser hair removal all the way.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Your Name says:

    sugaring. its the way to go

    Posted on Reply
    • WHAT! says:

      a true betch doesn’t give an eff what porn depicts, real betches set the bar of what looks hot on them, fucking duh

      Posted on Reply
  12. umm seriously? says:

    threading for the eyebrows and laser hair removal for everything else… people still wax? ew.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Trying too hard says:

    Calm down with the mean girls references.  Is that the only way you know how to be funny? #gettingold

    And seriously… Who waxes!? Gross.

    Posted on Reply
  14. stop says:

    who the hell wrote this? you’re destroying mean girls

    Posted on Reply
  15. Sugar all the way says:

    Waxing?  Forget waxing - SUGARING!!!!  Best in LA and Paris!!!!

    Posted on Reply
  16. anon says:

    EUROPEAN WAX CENTER is the only wax place I’ll go to. 25 minute drive is totally worth it. And I promise I don’t work there…this is a sincere post from one betch to another

    Posted on Reply
  17. Your Name says:

    You idiots, the term is esthetician not waxist.

    Posted on Reply
  18. DesiDamsel says:

    Freals with Indian Betch Problems. Sometimes you’re too dark to get laser =(

    Posted on Reply
  19. Your Name says:

    Omg legit my life. my bestie and I are getting full body laser. Also thank ya for acknowledging the existence of brown betches. I think we deserve our own post.

    Posted on Reply
  20. omg says:

    preach. for indian betches dis is a full time job.

    Posted on Reply
  21. ? says:

    what is an indian betch?

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      fucking racist you’re prob some poor fat white bitch from alabama. gtfo. ur just jeal cuz brown betches got beauty and brains (not to mention money)

      Posted on Reply
      • betch says:

        geez betch, calm down.

        Posted on Reply
  22. Your Name says:

    Can someone please advise which laser machine works best for Asian clients
    Thank you

    Posted on Reply
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