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By The Betches on

Today's list needs no introduction, as douchebags, both real and fictional, are timeless beings for betches. Without further ado here is our list of bros who we wish more than anything would ignore our texts and dick us around.

10. The Winklevii: This #9 nickname, bestowed upon the Winklevoss twins by real-life douchebag Mark Zuckberg perfectly captures these two peas in a crew boat. While the duo was portrayed by one actor Armie Hammer, their onscreen personas emit douchiness more than Kate Hudson emits middle aged whore. The fact that there were two of them definitely adds to their top tier asshole standing and we don’t want to imply incestual homosexuality but did either of them have any female interaction throughout the film? We think not. But I mean, if hooking up with myself was an option, I can’t say I wouldn’t.

9. Jack Donaghy: While Liz Lemon’s boss isn’t a douchebag through and through, he definitely implemented the douchiest of douche tactics in order to achieve mega success. From being voted “Most” at Harvard Business School to being the first person to utter “I need a vacation from this vacation” Jacky D has earned his spot on this list. We just know that at this very moment he could be found somewhere sipping scotch and eating gold plated ice cream, wearing a fucking tuxedo of course. Like it’s after 6, what is he a farmer?

8. Aaron the Cheerleader: As the quintessential douche bag-MGB hybrid, Aaron really fucked Torrence’s shit up. From convincing her she wasn’t captain material to referring her to Sparky fucking Polastri, this loser made dropping the spirit stick the least of Torrence’s problems. Not to mention he constantly cheated on her. While we agree that Aaron isn’t boyfriend material, he’s most fucking definitely high quality douchebag material.

7. John Tucker: He must die, fucking duh. Honestly though, the bitches in that movie needed to chill. Like yeah John is a super douche, and obviously he will have sex with multiple girls and lie about it. But really, what did you think would happen when you open your legs for your high school’s biggest player? No one asked you to be so fucking easy. When a guy doesn’t call you back you delete his number, not plot his downfall with your eskimo buddies.

6. Zoolander: Is there really more to life than being really, really ridiculously good-looking?

5. Warner Huntington III: Only the most advanced of assholes could find it in them to break the heart of our favorite blonde Elle Woods. And then to turn around and immediately get with that pasty J. Crew lesbian, I mean she could seriously use some highlights. But in the end we’re thankful that Warner dumped Elle because it led her to law school which led her to the fucking white house. And as we know DC could use more betches after Monica Lewinsky soiled the reputation of hot interns everywhere the blue dress.

4. Scott Disick: While the retards among us are preparing to point out that Scott isn’t a fictional character, we disagree. This bro is a caricature if we ever saw one. From shoving 100 dollar bills in the mouth of the waiter who denied him booze to literally refusing not to party in Vegas, Scott is a DB which all other DBs should aspire to. These days Scotty’s tendencies have mellowed now that he’s all but wifed up an Armenian. Thankfully though a tiger never really changes its stripes as is evidenced by this emotional and gracious tweet Mr. Disick composed the day after the birth of his daughter: “make sure you watch the grand opening of my restaurant on KUWTK tonight.”

3. Ari Gold: Ari G nears the top of this list for obvious reasons. Sure his douchey ways caught up with him and drove his wife to ditch him for a fucking ginge, but like any qualified deeb he won her back through lavish gifts and a casual villa. And while we think the ensuing Entourage movie is the dumbest fucking idea since Twilight, at least we have Ari and the abuse he bestows upon his gbff/Asian slave Lloyd to look forward to.

2. Chuck Bass: Obviously this list would be incomplete without the legend that is Charles Bartholomew Bass. He is basically the personification of a pimp cane. Not to mention he swiped Blair Waldorf’s V card then refused to say he loved her for like 2 years. In fact Chuck’s least douchey (and most pussy-esque) moment occurred when he did finally say those 3 little words. But I guess we can get over that. I mean…he’s Chuck Bass.

1. God: God is the ultimate douchebag. He co-wrote a never ending story about himself and his achievements. That shit is an all-time bestseller. He talks shit about and refuses to acknowledge all other gods. He hired the best PR rep in existence aka the Pope to hold masterful press conferences every Sunday for all of eternity. Some would say anytime it snows, it is God doing nature-coke. Anytime it rains, it is because God spilled a drink on himself. When there is an earthquake, it’s just God #134 dancing on tables. A lot of people believe everything happens for a reason and we agree: that reason is that God does whatever the fuck he wants when he wants. I mean he like, invented the universe.

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40 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. AB says:

    Um, where is Don Draper on this list? (Though I supposed Don Draper and God could be synonymous.)

    Posted on Reply
    • LadyV says:

      Seriously, Don Draper is the ultimate douchebag. His presence is so necessary on this list.

      Posted on Reply
    • VT says:

      I was just thinking that Don HAD To be on the list…. that was a big miss.

      Posted on Reply
  2. Allie says:

    That’s stupid to have God on here. This article was a mess

    Posted on Reply
    • Donna Martin says:

      who named you? you have a stupidly spelled name

      Posted on Reply
      • thx 90210 says:

        for allowing Donna to share her thoughts

        Posted on Reply
      • Allie says:

        Hahah, Donna is the most un-betchy name ever. Go shave your back fattie

        Posted on Reply
    • concerned says:

      and poorly put together, tried way too hard to get laughs instead of actually doing your research

      Posted on Reply
  3. ANR says:

    Agree with them all… except God?? kinda odd.

    Posted on Reply
  4. anon says:

    i liked everything up until the god part - that was just stupid and chuck bass should’ve been number one

    Posted on Reply
    • good call! says:

      10 years of bullshitting around, a casual non-proposal with no ring, & making a fool of Carrie in front of all her admirers and Vogue subscribers? He could’ve been #1, ultimate douche.

      Posted on Reply
  5. seriously... says:

    mr. big, don draper, eric northman…any of those should definitely beat out god or zoolander…but whatever, i guess

    Posted on Reply
  6. Mad Men says:

    No Peter Campbell?

    Posted on Reply
  7. Hank Moody? says:

    Betches you suck and clearly are not clever enought to deem yourselves as ‘head betches’

    Couldn’t think of a 10th douchebag pro….??

    Posted on Reply
  8. Cruel Intentions!!! says:

    Sebastian, hello betchs!!!  He’s legendary douche material.

    Do the betches have something against this classic…it seriously isn’t referenced nearly enough…

    Posted on Reply
  9. CRUEL INTENTIONS says:

    why the hell is sebastian valmont not on this list… clearly he’s a pro douchebag. betches posts have been getting less and less hilarious and more and more sucky.

    Posted on Reply
  10. Gbetch says:

    To amend to horrific oversight there needs to be a Sebastian/Cruel Intentions post solely devoted to mind-fucking! Should’ve happened eons ago, betches!

    Posted on Reply
  11. Seriously? says:

    Is this article a troll? You clearly just did #1 to stir up fake controversy.

    Posted on Reply
  12. greenwich betch says:

    betches do your research. the winklevii in fact are real (fucking duh). they weren’t named by mark zuckerberg but by their high school english teacher. but i completely support your argument that they are maj douches.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Betch says:

    This was perfect up until the last one… Betches TTH

    Posted on Reply
    • ugh says:

      Hes def a douche, but who really wants to acknowledge his existence…

      Posted on Reply
      • jleesblog.com says:

        Haha, totes we don’t care about him but he is the ultimate douche.

        Posted on Reply
  14. confused betch says:

    um hi why isn’t Patrick Bateman on this list?

    Posted on Reply
  15. HIMYM says:

    Barney Stinson? Straight NPH how can you not

    Posted on Reply
  16. aaron says:

    I GOT THE DOOR TOR

    Posted on Reply
  17. offended says:

    Your reference to God as a douchebag is really offensive. I love this website and think y’all are funny 99% of the time, this is part of the 1% where you’ve really just gone too far. Daniel Tosh had to apologize for his rape comments because he crossed a line, and I think you should take a cue; you have really offended your readers who are betchy and yet still have faith. I’m not one to get easily offended, but this is actually blasphemous. Certain subjects are just off limits—-and religion is one of them.

    Posted on Reply
    • entertained says:

      chill zealot this was hilar and so clever

      Posted on Reply
    • LC says:

      I thought the God part was the best part. People really need to get a grip on themselves.

      Betches dont have to discriminate on what topics can and can’t be discussed. Betches can talk about whatever crosses their brilliant minds without thought to who they may offend.

      Apparently you are just not betchy enough to be on this site.

      Posted on Reply
  18. seriously? says:

    I thought the god part was fucking hilarious, good one betches

    Posted on Reply
  19. encore says:

    Sebastian from Cruel Intentions should have made the list

    Posted on Reply
  20. GA says:

    The Winklevii went to my high school and a latin teacher nicknamed them that, not Zucky!

    Posted on Reply
  21. Doucher says:

    What about Ted Mosby??
    Old Spice guy?

    Posted on Reply
  22. mm says:

    god isn’t a douche this article went too far

    Posted on Reply
  23. Stina says:

    Scott Disick could easily replace God as number one douche. I mean come on, Lord Disick ? More like Lord Dick.

    Posted on Reply
  24. Meredith says:

    God as #1 just wasn’t funny.  Come on betches, you can do better than this.

    Posted on Reply
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