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By The Betches on

As betches-in-training, we grew up with a number of role models that we tried to emulate. Two of these celebrities were none other than the famous future skeletors Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. At the pre-anorexic age of like 6 months, the twins were forced to share the role of Michelle Tanner on Full House, while being exploited by their parents in real life. By age 5 we had all fucking mastered the tagline YOU GOT IT DUDE! And our love for them was even able to survive therealization that they were in fact not one person and we would have to focus twice as hard to like them. Not only that, but finding out that they're actually fraternal twins was probably the biggest mindfuck of our childhood outside of learning to walk in 5-inch Steve Madden sneakers. 

We think we can speak for all of us when we say that the lack of attention given to their trip to Grandma’s house by the Academy was a travesty on the part of all of Hollywood. Fuck nominations, these betches were well on their way to becoming billionaires by the time they finished wetting the bed.

After a slew of strangely addictive direct-to-video films, the girls struck an enormous chord with little baby betches everywhere when they starred opposite each other in the mathematically titled It Takes Two. These two singlehandedly created the film genre of twins who exchange identities with the help of their butler. It's like, just swap out Kirstie Alley for Natasha Richardson and Carol from Friends for Meredith Blake and these movies could easily switch places at sleepaway camp. But whatevs, who didn’t relate to the story of Alyssa Callaway? We had the poor little rich girl act down by the time this movie came out, but the dramatic fake-faint was totally a welcomed add-on to our reservoir of ways to get what we fucking wanted.

As if they weren't already the envy of every young betch, then the Olsens got to go #3 abroad to all these amazing destinations, such as Paris (where they had passport issues), London (where they were #32 winning), Rome (where they were...in Rome), and then to that island, you know, in the sun. 

Luckily for our middle school selves, MK&A returned to their home on the small screen to do Two of a Kind and So Little Time, and we remember almost nothing about these shows except that we fucking watched. Around this time they also did Billboard Dad and New York Minute, the latter being our pick for greatest film of the early 2000s that New York minute.

After that the girls realized that it was a lot easier to just not do work and decided to become individuals anorexic NYU students fashion icons/coffee-table book writers. They may be out of the spotlight for now but we have no doubt their dual-lifetime achievement award is imminent. Until then we'll continue to ponder a question that's plagued us since betchhood: does Ash get shadily mad that it's not Ashley and Mary-Kate?

 

21 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Kate says:

    I was waiting for mk and a. Fucking love

    RIP natasha richardson.

    Posted on Reply
  2. Julie says:

    You guys can’t be serious? You forgot to mention The Row and Elizabeth and James?  Sorry to let you know, but they’re kind of building a fashion empire right now.  Maybe you call that laying low?

    Posted on Reply
    • Alexandra says:

      Yeah apparently winning the 2012 CFDA Womenswear Designer of the Year Award is no big deal, along with being on the cover of Newsweek last year for being America’s next billionaires…

      Posted on Reply
    • Camilla says:

      Exactly.. They are better now than ever with Elizabeth and James and The Row. They are two of the most chic betches in the world.

      Posted on Reply
  3. Alexandra says:

    Agree with Julie.  They are more amazing now than ever.  This post could have been done so much better.  Props anyway for choosing MK&A.

    Posted on Reply
  4. Melanie B. says:

    By ‘reservoir’ you mean ‘repertoire of ways’... Is this an intern application sample?

    Posted on Reply
  5. precious days says:

    hahah anyone remember their “fan club”?

    Posted on Reply
    • yep says:

      yep, I’m pretty sure I’m still in it.

      Posted on Reply
    • Hubert says:

      Of course… who doesnt? smile

      Posted on Reply
  6. N says:

    you forgot Our Lips Are Sealed…one of my personal favorites.

    Posted on Reply
  7. ohjodi says:

    Google.  Ever heard of it???

    Posted on Reply
  8. Marlon Jackson says:

    Hey, you ain’t Uncyclopedia. So why are you writing raucous articles like you are?

    Posted on Reply
  9. Julia says:

    God you guys are so late and unaware sometimes. Isn’t part of being a betch being ahead of everyone else? These twin betches won the CFDA Designers of the Year award in 2012 and Mary-Kate’s relationship with super old Sarkozy is constantly on Page 6.

    Posted on Reply
  10. Blondy says:

    Great topic.  That’s all.  This could have been done 1000 times better.  These two amazing betches deserve our respect, not a half-hearted, poorly written, & flaw-filled tbt.  Get it together, betches.

    Posted on Reply
    • Raquelle says:

      I think you do have a sentimental link with these pair of betches, at the same time you’re very right when saying that they do deserve everybody’s respect so I’m not completely sure I dig this.

      Posted on Reply
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  12. Eduardo says:

    As the sisters have matured, there has been greater interest in their fashion choices, with The New York Times declaring Mary-Kate a fashion icon for pioneering her signature (and now popular among celebrities and fans alike) “homeless” look. best3dprinterx.blogspot.com

    Posted on Reply
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