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By The Betches on

"You are cheerleaders. Cheerleaders are dancers who have gone retarded." - Sparky Polastri

This week's Throwback Thursday is dedicated to one of the classics of our generation. Next to Clueless and Mean Girls, the script of Bring it On occupied a third of our tweenage conversations. Like it was completely normal for us as 5th grade girls to run around during recess screaming 'lick my pussy ass cock shit.' And if the new girl was ever like 'whats wrong with you?' she was immediately shunned from our section of the monkey bars because everyone knew she was an uber dyke. Point blank, this movie puts the love in Betches Love This. It's the poo, so take a big whiff.

Obviously the majority of the jokes went completely over our japanese straightened heads but we still fucking loved it. It wasn't until many years later that we realized Aaron was a flaming homo, I got the door Torr!, and that the other male cheerleader who was apparently straight was basically fingering Mena Suvari 2.0 during lifts. I can't help it if my digits slip occasionally. Who knew? Probably most people. Regardless, this movie was about rich skinny bitches bopping around gyms and football stadiums telling other teams that it's alright and it's okay because they're going to pump their gas someday. Personally I've never seen a female gas attendant but that's probably because the gas station puts the poo in poor people.

Ugh there are so many ways we can reminisce about this movie. Big Red...platter, nationals, hello!? Spirit fingers, Cliff's mix tape... you're just what I need you're just what I need, the East Compton Clovers and the icky green color of their costumes, Isn't this the audition for Pippin? And of course, not resting on our laurels. As a 10 year old, I thought a laurel was a dirty word that meant loins. This movie was soo age appropriate.

And we would just like to point out here that the Rancho Carne Torros totally deserved first place at Nationals, East Compton Clovers clearly won on affirmative action. Cheerocracy my ass.

Speaking of asses, Sparky had some unforgettable lines about them, aimed specifically at Darcy:

Ah, good tone and general musculature. Report those compliments to your ass before it gets so big it forms it's own website!

Darcy, you should stop eating. You see, when you skip a meal, your body feeds off its fat stores. And if you skip enough, maybe your body will eat your ass!

But now that we're older and like wayyy more mature we have a few questions. Like, why did they have to name the Team Toros and the main character Torr? And who names their kid Missy and why the fuck would she have recognized the East Compton Brrr It's Cold in Here cheer? I transferred from Los Angeles, your school has no gymnastics team, this is a last resort.

That aside, we're going to leave you off with some quotes and no it's not going to be the opening cheer scene because I'm sure 95 % of the population has that committed to memory.

Les: You know, everyone's saying that your ambition broke Carver's leg.
Torrance: When really it was the angle in which she slammed into the ground.
Les: Kasey did a massive e-mail last night, misspelled "leg".
Les: Two G's.

Whitney: Front handspring step out, round-off backhandspring step-out, round-off back handspring, full-twisting layout.
Courtney: [Missy completes the tumbling pass] Where is this girl from? Romania?

Courtney: Whitney's sister Jamie is really teeny. She'll be easy to toss, and she doesn't give lip.
Jan: Just tongue.
Whitney: Kiss my ass, Jan!
Jan: Love to.

17 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Sammy says:

    Whitney: She puts the “itch” in “bitch”.
    Courtney: She puts the “whore” in “horrifying”.

    Posted on Reply
  2. so betchy says:

    “Oh, don’t play dumb. We’re better at it than you.” Love this movie! I have to watch it everytim it’s on TV!

    Posted on Reply
  3. BigRed says:

    Darcy:Do I have the letters ‘A-T-M’ tatooed on my forehead?
    Torrance:I was thinking more D-A-D-D-Y.
    HA! so perfect!

    Posted on Reply
  4. WaWaWitney says:

    “maybe you’re just not *boyfriend* material”

    Posted on Reply
  5. bitchin, great hair says:

    rancho carne toros = rancho palos verdes

    scriptwriters got lazy and named the main character a neighboring city, torrance

    pretty sure rancho carne toros translates to farm meat bulls bahaha

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    my mind was blown when i found out that big red is valerie, sabrina the teenage witch’s ugly friend

    Posted on Reply
  7. Great! But… says:

    The affirmative action part was kinda racist. Are you saying black people cannot win things? Racism isn’t betchy.

    Posted on Reply
    • Toros deserved to win says:

      What other reason is there for them winning - the Toros were the superior squad.

      Posted on Reply
  8. The Clovers says:

    Can we all agree the Clovers are betchy in a poor sort of way ? ...“You been kissed by an Angel gurl.”

    Posted on Reply
    • LOL says:

      lol that part was hilarious

      Posted on Reply
  9. so gold says:

    your school has no gymnastics team, this is a last resort


    Posted on Reply
  10. Cheer Betch says:

    Gave me my favorite comeback ever: “GET OVER IT, HAG!”

    Posted on Reply
  11. rancho carne whoros says:

    yoyoyooo, wassap wassaaap? it’s time to get bizzay, so let’s kick this shit, and knock the CK off ya pants, yeah.

    Posted on Reply
  12. Hay says:

    Cheerleaders are dancers gone retarded

    Posted on Reply
  13. Sara says:

    Awesome, oh wow, like totally freak me out I mean right on. Toros sure are number 1.

    Posted on Reply
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