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By The Betches on

4 8 15 16 23 42

"How about this for a number? 4. That's how many times I wondered if Hurley will be skinny by the series finale, 8 is age of Walt, 15 is how many minutes I cried over Jin and Sun -- and Charlie; 16 is the number of  dollars I bet that Jack and Kate would end up together. 2342. That's my ATM pin, and with all the numbers I gave you, I'm guessing 0 is the number of times you're going google if this quote is actually from Lost."

Just a warning: this post is far nerdier than what you may be accustomed to reading on this site and if you're easily offended by such, do not read on. We know LOST isn’t betchy in a traditional sense. In fact, in theory it is the farthest thing from it: historical references, biblical allusions, science fiction shit. However, if you look closer you can see exactly why this show about some seriously fucked up castaways has captivated betches everywhere.

For starters, everyone was ridiculously attractive. We don’t know about you, but the last time we flew JetBlue, we sat between a 300-pound Packers fan and a screaming ginger baby, not the guy from Party of 5. So it wasn’t very realistic, but that didn’t matter because the show’s main plots involved a smoke monster and a giant wheel that moved an island. Being realistic just wasn't in the cards. Even so, this show was fucking awesome and like people still talk about it so you know it’s a big deal.

Obviously there have been 500-page dissertations on the ending alone so we can’t delve into everything but let’s start with what matters: the hookups. Sayid and Shannon, Hurley and Libby, Charlie and Claire, Rose and Bernard, DESMOND AND PENNY(!). Island relationships were always our favorite, but the love connection that really mattered to betches was the triangle-turned-square between Jack, Kate, Sawyer, and later Juliet. When this show was discussed you were always a Skater or a Jater. Meaning you either wanted Kate to end up with Sawyer in which case you’d argue “Sawyer just LOVES Kate!" or you’d want her to end up with Jack because “Jack is so hot!" We won’t take sides but here are 2 words: cage sex.

There's so much we can talk about such as polar bears, caleb nichols, "baby cheeses" filled with heroin, but one of the craziest things that Lost brought forth was emotion, as in I cried as hard as Shannon (daughter who runs like a tard in Taken) cried about her brother Damon Salvatore's death. Honestly, why did so many people have to die? Libby's death was kind of sad, if Shannon weren't such a horrible actress we would have shed a tear when she croaked in Sayid's embrace, Mr. Ecko and Michael (ABC would kill off the two black people, minus hottie Rose), and of course we felt so bad for Sawyer when Juliet died in the casual electromagnetic hole, but the shit that made us bawl like that sorority girl who lost her way, were the deaths of Jin and Sun. Like, wow. I guess it's like the saying goes: those who eat sushi together, drown together. Salmon skin roll.

While the characters were far more intriguing than the mysterious shit, we will admit that there were some moments where we cared about this island’s questions more than our actual life. I mean, at the end of season 1 we spent the following week screaming at randoms on the street, “WHAT'S IN THAT FUCKING HATCH?!” And there was (were?) many a mind fuck in Lost too, I mean we’d be lying if we said we never got high and pondered whether the island is just Hurley’s dream. Speaking of Hurley, I never want to win the lottery. Speaking of the lottery, those numbers. Speaking of those numbers, the Dharma and Greg Initiative! Speaking of the Initiative, Benjamin Linus was so fugly that I could barely pay attention to the not so subtle underlying holocaust themes.

Oh and remember that physics dude with the mouse project? Remember the moment when John Locke realized his father was really the man who killed Sawyer's parents? Ah and remember Richard, the bro who wouldn't die nor take off his eyeliner? And what about when Desmond calls Penny on Christmas (warning: girl porn), from the future!? How about Jacob and his identical twin bro the smoke monster...and in our opinion one of the most intense moments of Lost, when Charlie writes "not Penny's boat" on his hand and then lets himself die...this moment resulted us in saying "not penny's boat" to each other in a British accent for the next 3-5 days. NAWT PENNAY'S BOAT.

So that’s not even close to everything we took away from Lost, but it'll do. We won’t say the show left us unsatisfied because the finale was like so beautiful-- even though it did leave 90% of the questions unanswered and was more confusing than the math SATs. Regardless, the island made it so everyone ends up together in heaven or some shit like that and it was fulfilling when Jack closed his eye and died, coming full circle from him whipping them open in first few seconds of the first episode. We hope this TBT reminds you of the phenom that was Lost, and we hope you’re now inspired to rewatch the series on Netflix. We recently did and we can tell you the sex scenes are much more enjoyable to watch now that we're older and not on the couch next to your dad.

19 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. pennys boat says:

    Ah man, LOST weekly recaps would’ve been epic

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  2. Skater betch says:

    SUCH A GOLDEN POST—betch killed it

    Posted on Reply
  3. Allison says:

    Fucking looooooved this show. I was 100% for Sawyer and Kate. That dude was smokin’ hot!

    Posted on Reply
  4. kate says:

    Shannon was the ultimate betch. Even after she tricked Boone into giving her money he was still in love with her.

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  5. Kristen says:

    Loved everything about this!

    Posted on Reply
  6. nawt pennys boat says:

    Come on betches. You made me ruin my mascara by clicking on the link to the Desmond/Penny video. I just cried over my favorite LOST couple for the first time in 2 years. Talk about a TBT.

    This post was awesome. Lost was awesome. Now I just wanna sit around and soak up eachother’s awesomeness.


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  7. LOVE says:

    Everything about this post was beautiful. now off to rewatch the series, peace out world

    Posted on Reply
  8. alison says:

    BAHAH caleb nichols. thank you.

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  9. OMG says:


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  10. AMAZING says:

    best tbt ever… loved everything about this post but definitely not more than i would have loved cage sex with sawyer

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  11. Susan says:

    AMAZING POST. Didn’t think it could be done, the combination of my 2 favorite things betches love this & LOST. So happy. But Btw THE “MIB” is not jacob’s “identical” twin. And cage sex= hottest thing ever. Josh Holloway for life. Even though he’s kinda a SAB. Jack was totally the BBB don’t know how we won in the end.

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  12. Rachael says:

    ” I guess it’s like the saying goes: those who eat sushi together, drown together. Salmon skin rol” DEAD. greatest thing ever!

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  13. soo good says:

    the fact that there is a friends reference in a post about lost makes me way too happy

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  14. Sky says:

    I’m a female and I found the cage sex utterly ridiculous, with the cliched bad boy Sawyer with greasy hair and stinking shirt & pants (the same ones he had when he screwed Ana Lucia one week or so before in island time ewww) and a ‘oh look at my perfectly shaved armpits’ from Kate’s part, I laughed for hours! But to each their own, of course. IMO Jack & Kate made perfect sense in terms of story & had a great chemistry. Evangeline Lilly has never been better than she was in her scenes with Matthew Fox!

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  15. glenn says:

    Jack? Hot? The guy stalks and harasses women who aren’t interested in him and the actor beats up women in real life. Not my definition of “hot”, more like “eww where’s a restraining order when I need one?” LOL

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  16. Twitchy says:

    Sawyer and Kate were the perfect blend of passion, sexuality, friendship, and delicious chemistry. I miss them. Buuuut they got their shot at life together after the series, while Jackass and Jujubean were dead and rotting back on the Island, so it’s all good. smile

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  17. lila says:

    Yeah Jack cried a little too much (EVERY FUCKING EPISODE) to be called “hot.” But his looks did improve over the seasons

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  18. AMAZING says:

    what an incredible post. you forgot to mention the casual sorta but not really INCEST between boon and the betch shannon. and of course…the cage sex…. we wont forget that.

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  19. Candice says:

    Amazing show, amazing throwback. I’m still convinced that the betchiest and most fab character on this wonderful fucking show is Juliet. She was and will always be the ultimate badass betch.

    Posted on Reply
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