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By The Betches on

10. Levi and Vida McConaughey: Not only is McConny himself a huge stoner, but the fact that he named his son after the jeans he was wearing, and his daughter after the literal interpretation of what was going on in the delivery room, it’s clear these kids were born and bred pot smokers. Hmm..let’s just call’er... Life! *lights blunt* Considering the fact that they live on the border of Mexico and Camilla’s ancestors are probably drug lords, it won’t be long before Matty’s teaching Levi how to roll his own joints while Cam and Vida online shop for aviators. We actually hope the entire McCohaughey clan turns themselves into a legitimate growing business that can produce enough weed to sit through any of his movies.

9. Kingston Rossdale: This miniature badass is the spawn of the lead singers of two full blown 90s bands. Any product of rock artists is predestined to smoke a shit ton of weed shortly after they can crawl, and Kingston was already sporting hipster flannels and suspicious green bandanas by the time he was one. Not to mention he's named after the capital of Jamaica. If we’ve gained any ounce of beneficial knowledge from watching PLL, it’s if it looks like a duck it’s a fucking duck. Plus, we have No Doubt in our mind that Gav Rossdale was freshly baked when he agreed to be in a band with other middle-aged men called the Goo Goo Dolls. Having to live with that and the fact that your mom named your sister Anfernee Zuma is bound to lead to future heavy marijuana usage.

8. Mason Disick: With his dad's party genes and his mom's complete lack of personality genes we’re sure Mason will be easily influenced in school and smoke his fair share of herb. Ugh, finally Rob will have a friend to get high and play Xbox with now that Lamar remembered he like, played basketball and had a life. Realizing he was born into a clan of talentless Armenians is going to be even more awkward than when he discovers his Jewish father owns a Japanese restaurant. Good luck putting up with aunt Kim instagramming/crying throughout all family holidays and get-togethers without smoking an immense amount of weed beforehand!

7. Kristin Cav's baby: We actually just found out KCav didn’t name her son Ste-VEN so we have no idea what his name could possibly be, but we do know that his father is a pro football player aka dumb as a bag of rocks, and his mom is an ex-reality TV star, and that’s a recipe for a casual drug habit. It seems like just yesterday that Kristin was smoking weed and doing blow on Talan's couch while simultaneously ruining LC’s life somewhere somehow. And now all of a sudden she’s like, the mother of a child? No Hills 5?? Whatevs. At least KCav will have some old connects in LB and can probs hook this kid up with some dank Cali bud. He’s sure as fuck going to need it when he’s trying to blaze on Thanksgiving and his dad is outside midlife crisis-ing during the family touch football game.

6. Louis Bullock: Took your role in the Blind Side a little seriously, Sandy? There’s absolutely no question that after her break-up with JJ she smoked an ounce of weed, rewatched all of her award winning performances (Golden Globe in hand), had a fucking stoned revelation, and went out and bought a baby. Once Louis grows up and discovers his mom was in a romantic comedy with Keanu Reeves, his pot smoking will soon after ensue.

5. Violet Affleck: Little Ms. Affleck is clearly already a stoner betch in training. She is always smiling from ear to ear for no apparent reason, she practically has a popsicle attached to her fucking hand, and as Suri Cruise would be quick to point out, she is clearly not a fan of shoes or any other footwear. You would think with such overly invested parents, Violet being a pothead wouldn’t really fly. However, we’re assuming that by the time Vy gets heavily into weed, Jennifer’s cheek bones will be so concave that her eyes will no longer properly function and Ben will be near brain dead from all the weight fluctuations and therefore their daughter’s perpetual state of blaze will fly under the radar more easily than Gigli.

4. Zahara: While we’re sure Shiloh will dabble in psychedelics once she joins the Peace Corps, Zahara will definitely emerge as the pothead of the pack. Sure these days she rounds out the whitest non-white family in the world, but Z was gestated in Namibia so let’s be real, marijuana was a primary nutrient when she was just a fetus. We also have a strong suspicion that Zahara is going to embrace the natural look and rock a full on fro by the time she’s 10 so really, every day toking is not an option, it is inevitable. And you know this betch is about to have the most luxe and exotic stoner dens throughout the world and we would be honored to join her for a blaze sesh, so long as Angie and her forehead vein are not invited.

3. Apple: We smoke weed nonstop and our parents are neither Gwyneth Paltrow nor Chris Martin, so we can’t even begin to imagine how much marijuana would need to be ingested in order to make it through a single fucking day with these nightmare human beings. I mean, the girl is named after a smoking device. Our only advice to poor Apple is to watch your back when the munchies strike. Not only will the fridge contain nothing but kale and eucalyptus, but you will also have to endure the wrath of Gwyneth which will be summoned after she spots you eating outside designated meal times. Also App, you’re going to hear a lot of Coldplay…like all the time. And nothing kills a high like a fucking Coldplay song. Honestly you should probably just leave that prison of a home today and return only for Thanksgiving, Christmas and all other events that you are sure will be catered.

2. Sparrow: Your mom once donned matching Von Dutch trucker hats with Paris Hilton and your dad was a legitimate member of Good Charlotte so it’s obvious that this little bird will be a major pothead. Also, you’re named after a flying animal so your inevitable stoner future is basically a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

1. Blue Ivy: Where to even begin? Jay Z has not only been outspoken in his admiration for ganj but has also been arrested for possessing it, and Beyonce is arguably the most beautiful woman in the world. I mean talk about pressure. I smoke an ounce every time my older sister has a job interview. I can’t imagine filling such big shoes, and I certainly can’t imagine doing so without an endless supply of pot. Not to mention “Blue Ivy” literally sounds like a strain of medical chron that would leave us feeling like the deflated girl in the above the influence commercials. Honestly though, we all know Blue is going to be cool as fuck, and we cannot wait to see J post bail after her first possession/paraphernalia arrest!

Honorable Mention to Snooki's baby, though we have a feeling his coke habit is more imminent.

16 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. rock betch says:

    Gavin Rossdale was in Bush, not Goo Goo Dolls….

    Posted on Reply
  2. rock betch says:

    Gavin Rossdale was in Bush, not Goo Goo Dolls…

    Posted on Reply
    • me says:

      It said that the members of Goo Goo Dolls later got together with Gavin and formed Bush.

      Posted on Reply
  3. rock betch says:

    Gavin Rossdale was in Bush, not Goo Goo Dolls…

    Posted on Reply
  4. Blue Ivy says:

    there already is a strain of medical chron called Blue Ivy!!!!

    ps - KCavs baby is named Camden (maybe she rhymed it with Ste-VEN on purpose…)

    Posted on Reply
  5. woow says:

    this is actually so inappropriate..

    Posted on Reply
  6. Gwen/Gavin says:

    Actually, Zuma is a boy… the only girl he’s destined for is one with one of those inspirational names like “Destiny”.  No way a respectable betch with her Wall Street daddy is going to introduce him to her boyfriend, Zuma.

    Posted on Reply
  7. julia says:

    gwyneth is a goddess.

    Posted on Reply
    • AGREE says:

      Gwyneth is amazing and Chris Martin is unbelievable. The betch that wrote this article only wishes to live the lifestyle that they do. Pure jealousy.

      Posted on Reply
  8. Gavin says:

    Goo Goo Dolls…LMAO….You were stoned when you wrote this…Hahaha

    Posted on Reply
  9. lolbetch says:

    hAHHA ANFERNEE nice work

    Posted on Reply
  10. Ginger says:

    If you are going to write a snarky article, try to get your facts right!  Along with all the other mistakes pointed about above (Bush-Goo Goo Dolls, Zuma being a girl, etc.), Zahara Jolie-Pitt was adopted from Ethiopia, not Namibia. Shiloh was born in Namibia though. The Apple Martin entry was particularly hilarious thought.

    Posted on Reply
  11. ana says:

    lol zuma is not a girl

    Posted on Reply
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