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By The Betches on

High there stoner betches. It's 2013 which means that we're inevitably one year closer to legal marijuana for all and consequently a utopian world. Duh, because stoner betches are perfect specimens, except when we're not (high). Anyway, to address our rare shortcomings we've already talked about the things you can't and should never attempt to do while high, but aside from that, we typically embody the human stoner ideal. Now while most people start their year with resolutions, we don't really see the point. However we'll come as close to that as possible and dedicate this post to all the faux pas a stoner betch might commit but can easily blame on being OMG, sooo high.

10. Eating: Even though eating is a total amateur move, every stoner betch has let the munchies get the best of her at some point. Look on the bright side, if you're going to eat, by being high you at least get the benefit of maximum deliciousness.

9. Not paying attention to whatever you're watching because you're on your phone: Sure you were thrilled when you noticed you could relax this Sunday morning with an SVU marathon, but the second you take your first hungover hit and catch a glimpse of your iPhone it's all over. Checking and re-checking instagram, facebook and twitter in a continuous rotation is a vicious cycle and hard enough to break when you're sober, but when you're high it's literally mission impossible 5. Next thing you know SVU's over..not the episode, the marathon.

8. Forgetting what you were just talking about: And then you and your bestie will like hilariously attempt to trace the convo back to its inception. Seriously, how the fuck did we go from talking about last night's pregame, to Woody Allen?

7. Accidentally (or not) watching an infomercial: The remote could be literally in the palm of your hand but why would you let go of such a good thing? You've been invested in watching the benefits of the FitMasterSlim 3000X Machine for like a whole 22 minutes now and are totally convinced that you too could lose 72 pounds in 3 months if you just call the number on your screen. Ugh I can't even change the channel, how will I dial a phone?

6. Texting the (wrong) word you're thinking of: Every stoner betch knows how easy it is to go from "What time is brunch?" to "What time is chapstick?" Classic mixup. Seriously where the fuck is autocorrect at times like this.

5. Hanging up a phone call with 'love you' to inappropriate people: You were just casually confirming your doctor's appointment and about to say goodbye and be free of this miserable phone call when you hear yourself speak and instead of saying "k thanks, bye" you say "k bye, love you." It's like calling your teacher "mom" in first grade, totally fucking embarrassing. Whatevs, better your doctor experience this high faux pas than any asshole you've ever hooked up with.

4. Misplacing things in your hands/pockets: Whether it's your lighter, the rest of your weed, or realizing that the sunglasses you've been missing for the entire past half hour (like, three minutes) have been on your head the whole time. Non-stoners might say this is pathetic and laughable, we say we're just better prepared for old age.

3. Having issues with paying for shit: Maybe you just swiped your license instead of your credit card or handed the cashier a hundred dollar bill for your 4-dollar iced coffee and forgot to drop the obligatory Oops sorry, can you break this!? Honestly, there's just something about money that's fucking mystifying when you're high. If you're high right now, seriously think how random it is that people will give you the shit you want if you give them a piece of paper with numbers on it. Anyway, between the swiping, signing, and potentially even being handed coins and a receipt (no fucking thank you), monetary transactions are a huge unforeseen consequence of leaving your couch. You think the government has fiscal problems, try splitting a Celine bag on three of your parents credit cards when you're high.

2. Thinking things are funny that aren't: This can definitely get a stoner betch in trouble depending on how sick her unfiltered sense of humor is. Usually this type of fuck-up manifests itself in some sort of Larry David-esque manner where you find something either extremely inappropriate or only mildly funny to be fucking hilarious, and then go tell everyone who will and won't listen. Just thinking about this thing will make you spontaneously burst into laughter and next thing you know people are calling you Kim Richards and asking if you found yourself yet. Speaking of finding yourself...

1. Getting lost, physically and mentally - Maybe you just picked up the wrong friend on your way to...wait, where am I going? What movie are we seeing?

26 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. supbetch says:

    you guys validate my life choices. thanks

    Posted on Reply
  2. uhh says:

    do you guys actually smoke weed? this article sounds like something out of a fucking 7th grade health class

    Posted on Reply
    • muhh says:

      someone needs a hit

      Posted on Reply
  3. ninja says:

    seriously loveeee stoner series you guys hit the nail on the head everytime!! there needs to be a global stoner session

    Posted on Reply
    • Um... says:

      It’s called 420.

      Posted on Reply
    • hcted says:

      Umm, 4/20.

      Posted on Reply
  4. perf. says:

    Number 3 definitely needs to be number 1. I do the wrong shit 95% of the time when trying to purchase anything while high.

    Posted on Reply
    • agreed says:

      literally so spot on

      Posted on Reply
  5. lover betch says:

    you all seriously know my life.  i dont smoke, but i did once accidentally say i love you at the end of a phone call with the guy i was hooking up with. needless to say we never spoke again and it was the most embarrassing moment of my life.

    Posted on Reply
    • dude says:

      you don’t get it

      Posted on Reply
      • wow says:

        not at all….

        Posted on Reply
  6. uncanny says:

    bahahah #5! I wish I had a GIF of my glazed-yet-horrified expression after accidentally hanging up with my classmate/doctor/pro with a casual “love you bye.” thought I was the only one. thanks betches

    Posted on Reply
  7. dc_and_mj says:

    ahhh the love you, bye. similar is when you’re at a movie theater and they say “enjoy the movie!” and you’re like “you tooo!” then you’re like wait shit.

    Posted on Reply
    • Doll says:

      Classic! I die.

      Posted on Reply
      • BeachBetch says:

        I did the “you too”  ALL day last week on my birthday.  And yes, I was high the whole day.

        Posted on Reply
  8. betch says:

    “Misplacing things in your hands” hahaha wait yall, where is my phone/water/chapstick/keys?  Oh yeah, in my hand.  Stoned.

    Posted on Reply
  9. major betcher says:

    that random should have been a raHndom but i still effing love this article. happy 420 everyone! xxxx

    Posted on Reply
  10. yup says:

    “High there”. Hahahahha

    Posted on Reply
  11. Ukstonerbetch says:

    Number 9 is the story of my life, I have to always keep rewinding because my phone gets to distracting.

    P.s trying to figure out those words you have to type while high is pretty had, anyone else have to change it like 10 times before you figure out what the fuck it says ?

    Posted on Reply
    • SugarfreeHazelnut says:

      Yes, omg. I look back at some texting convos I’ve had while high and it’s seriously like I’ve put all of the words in the wrong places or used one word too many times. “I accidentally told someone accidentally that they accidentally said something to me…accidentally”.

      Posted on Reply
  12. omg says:

    i’ve never laughed so hard at any post on here. everything is so spot on. like every single one happens to me daily. i love it

    Posted on Reply
  13. haha says:

    this is perfect. I did the “I love you” thing on the phone today…to one of the highschool kids I tutor. Awksauce.

    Posted on Reply
  14. Fast Food Retard says:

    I literally can’t order shit at fast food establishments when I’m high. I don’t know if its the stigma of the cashier somehow knowing I’m high (they always know, they ALL know) and that I think they’re going to judge me (to which I come to the conclusion of: why should I fucking care? They wish they were high too) - or what, but I just can’t do it. I have to make my friends order for me, and if they refuse and say shut the fuck up, do it yourself, I stumble to the register and real words hardly come out. I’ve realized while I’m standing there that I didn’t actually think out what I wanted to order and then I’m there mumbling to myself about my options. They watch me in disbelief like - is this betch retarded or…. nope just high. Definitely just high.”

    Posted on Reply
  15. SugarfreeHazelnut says:

    Does anyone else have the problem where looking back, you can’t remember anything you did hardly while you were high? I’ll seriously feel like I just woke up from a blackout. I won’t know what the living hell happened the night before except for the empty pizza boxes on the floor and some weird pictures and videos I don’t remember taking.

    Also, I can’t be in public high. I just can’t. When I’m high, I HAVE to be sitting down with my laptop, my phone, TV, and a blanket. I just want to chill. I went to the mall high one time with one of my best friends and it was miserable. I was so confused, like wtf was going on? I tried to buy a pretzel at one of the stands and seriously stared at her a good 5 seconds when she asked “credit or debit?” and almost panicked because I forgot where I parked my car.

    Except, the only place I can usually be high in public is the movies. Bleh. It’s a waste of money because like I said, I can’t remember hardly anything that went on while I was high so me and my besties will look at each other after the movie and be like….wtf just happened? Such a waste of $8.

    Posted on Reply
  16. xo says:

    forgetting where you parked

    Posted on Reply
  17. Brianna_betch says:

    This article explains every aspect of my high existence. Thank you, betches

    Posted on Reply
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