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By The Betches on

I think we can all agree that every betch has a little stoner in her. Whether you’re the one who only smokes with your besties in non-social settings, the one who’s down for a bowl when suggested (I mean, she smokes but she doesn’t smoke…), or the one who falls asleep with a joint in her mouth only to wake up the next morning and continue smoking it like nothing happened, you love being high and the activities that come along with it.

So to honor of this essential part of a betch’s life, we smoked a fat blunt and compiled a series of Top 10 lists of shit every betch does when she’s high, because making lists is included in that list of things. Spark up your j's and welcome to the Stoner Series.

Obvs there a fucking plethora of bizarre things betches do while on the reefer, but one of the most popular areas of stoner interest is watching shit. The majority of the movies/shows/documentaries a betch watches when she’s blazed are completely weird as fuck and would never constitute a good time unless she had just smoked the weight of a newborn.

With that, here's our first list of 10 classic things to watch while you're high.

10.  Discovery/History Channel: Ancient Aliens, Cash Cab, Myth Busters, or any random documentaries about Nostradamus, the Illuminati, or like, Indian folklore. This is the fertility vase of the Undabelly Tribe. Does that mean anything to you?

9.  Mario Kart: After you’ve gotten the boys down the hall to plug in this obscure machine from the 90’s, a joint later you turn into the skinnier, long-haired version of Ricky Bobby. Smoke-and-drive has an entire new connotation once you’re stoned with a controller in your hand. Beware of the upside-down question mark boxes… Studies show they look the exact same as the good ones when marijuana’s in your system.

8.  Serious movies directed by legit people: ...if you can stay awake. For the pseudo intellectual betch, serious movies that make you "think" or have won Oscars are the perfect way to guarantee at least some brain activity amidst being constantly blazed. This category includes shit like Fight Club, Inception, Factory Girl, American Beauty, anything by Aronofsky or Tarantino. Such visionaries. Then afterwards you and your besties can have an analytical discussion about how you just got mindfucked by a TV.

7.  Food shows: Chopped, Last Cake Standing, Top Chef, Iron Chef (the special battles!), Diners Drive-ins and Dives, Unwrapped… I mean, by the eleventh bowl every betch is DTF Bobby Flay. These shows are the best way to enjoy food without actually eating, and can give you material to discuss with foodies. Umami...it's the fifth taste.

6.  Infomercials: No one ever watches infomercials on purpose, but when it's too big a task to reach the remote beneath your ass, anything goes. That is, until a Japanese body pillow arrives at your door and you have no idea where the fuck it came from.

5.  Cops/Maury/white trash shit: definitely the only time in your life in which you’ll be happy to hear the words “Jamaltayniqua-Sean, you ARE the father!”

4.  Murder mysteries/conspiracy theory videos: Every true stoner has found herself lost in a labyrinth of conspiratorial wikipedia articles at one time or another. Documentaries are even better because you don't have to read them. Remember to STFU about this in public. No one wants to spend the pregame listening to your mini freak out “you guys, you can SEE the explosion before the plane hit the building!!!!!”

3.  Actually funny movies: In this category we're talking about things like Grandma's Boy, Old School, Fear and Loathing, Half Baked, Euro/Road Trip, Judd Apatow's entire body of work, etc. These movies were intended by their directors to only be viewed after smoking, so you basically can't go wrong. After all, you are both a) their target audience and b) freshly stoned.

2.  Cartoons/Disney & Pixar movies/anything from your childhood: Not to be confused with Family Guy or South Park which are real human person entertainment. Cartoons remind us of our childhood, if we had spent it smoking an eighth a day. Some favorites include Finding Nemo, Hey Arnold, The Lion King, Monsters Inc, Doug, Toy Stories 1, 2, and 3, the Brady Bunch.

1.  Planet Earth: This is the quintessential example of shit you would never fucking dream of watching sober but instantly turns amazing when high. If you've never dabbled in Planet Earth then every actual stoner knows the truth about you: you are not a stoner.

 

 

27 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Gay BFF says:

    On point, betches. On point.

    Posted on Reply
    • Anti gay says:

      You’re a gay faggot

      Posted on Reply
      • Peter Griffin says:

        You’re a gayest anti gay faggot

        Posted on Reply
  2. iObvsDGAF says:

    betches, i’m disappointed. you should have at least attempted to edit this shit before you posted it. you’re just making stoners look stupid, like they can’t even put a sentence together. you’re embarrassing.

    Posted on Reply
    • AHO says:

      A reallllll stoner doesn’t caaaare to edit shit….You’re embarrassing

      Posted on Reply
    • Tits says:

      @iObvsDGAF You are not a real “Betch”, You are actually just a Cunt.  You ObvsDOGAF… about stupid shit.  Shut up please so the rest of us can enjoy this. Kthnx.

      Posted on Reply
  3. sdlkjf says:

    wait this is perfect. as a betch who smokes multiple times daily I AGREE

    Posted on Reply
  4. Anonymous says:

    i agree with all of it except #6. i’d rather watch the news than infomercials

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anon says:

    THE BEST is My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding on TLC. Thought I’d entered an alternate universe.

    Posted on Reply
  6. G. says:

    As a proper stoner betch, this is just awkward.

    Posted on Reply
  7. stonerbetch says:

    You are all fucking genus’. Its like I write this shit myself, I love you guys!

    Posted on Reply
  8. anna says:

    #6 was hilarious, LOVED this post

    Posted on Reply
  9. Disney Shit says:

    Watching The Little Mermaid high single-handedly blew my mind.

    Posted on Reply
  10. * says:

    the wizard of oz + dark side of the moon = the ultimate

    Posted on Reply
  11. stoned currently says:

    this just fucking explained my life. my DVR is full of this shit.

    Posted on Reply
  12. Betches' Deciple says:

    I know this is somewhat unbetchy, but am I the only one who is moved to tears so much easier by movies/shows while high? I show little to no emotion in everyday life, so I guess this is my outlet? But I mean, everything is just so much more moving and intense while high. Even shit like Keeping Up With The Kardashians. The old home movies they always bust out? Just stop, I can’t.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Suggestion says:

    Documentaries about Ancient Drug Use. Do it, thank me later.

    Posted on Reply
  14. nevernotstoneddd says:

    yesss, Planet Earth consistently gives my mind a good firm raping while stoned, awesome shit, especially on an excessively large LED TV!  On point, betches!

    Posted on Reply
  15. dying says:

    i die. on point. Bravo my betches

    Posted on Reply
  16. #8 says:

    But the movie “Kids” was just so graphic

    Posted on Reply
  17. james franco says:

    i thought hurricane season was ova…. literally lol at that clip every time. GREAT POST BETCHES

    Posted on Reply
  18. meeep says:

    Good list but don’t forget to mention Netflix/apple tv allowing us to watch whatever we want without having to move (RIP baked blockbuster pilgrimages) AND allowing us to re watch our old favourite classic movies like spiceworld for the first time since your housekeeper gave your VHS collection to her chuch basement sale and you never really forgave her

    Posted on Reply
  19. beeeeetch says:

    Super Troopers should definitely be on here.  The opening sequence alone.  If you haven’t seen it, shame on your stoner ass. http://youtu.be/0PKtGnyGuKM

    Posted on Reply
  20. DBynes says:

    Love mario kart stoned.. Found more trippy videos and stuff at a site called http://trippy.me has some cool stuff, think they’re new tho.

    Posted on Reply
  21. adventure time says:

    is already ridiculous when you’re sober. even more ridiculous when you’re high

    Posted on Reply
  22. rationality says:

    “Planet Earth: This is the quintessential example of shit you would never fucking dream of watching sober”

    What fucking warped planet are your assumptions from? Is it infested with conceited bell-ends like you who think the height of existence is about being “cool”? Actually, don’t worry, this website offers me the answer to that.

    Planet Earth is only one of the greatest, most beautiful documentaries of all time, but no, of course no-one would ever think to watch it sober…

    Posted on Reply
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