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By The Betches on

Dear Munchies,

We'll be blunt: go fuck yourself. As far as things we despise, you are right up there with the hipsters, the holocaust, and the person who N-lips the blunt. 

You force us to make excruciating decisions daily which no person should ever have to make. Decisions such as choosing to actually eat lunch instead of your usual afternoon #54 iced coffee or concoting a debatably disgusting (yet delicious at the time) late night snack because a commercial for any type of food came on during South Park. As Stoner Betches, we often feel like we live a double life. On the one hand we are obligated to #5 diet and work out so we can comfortably rock a crop top at a music festival at a moment's notice. On the other hand, we just want to go to fucking Taco Bell but we can't because we're on an all carb diet. God, Munchies you are so STUPID!

Don't think I haven't noticed your games, as your severity changes depending on my pre-high state of mind. Like if it’s 10am on a Blackout Wednesday morning, I’ll chase my j with a 20 mg adderall and then I will look you in the fucking eye and I will laugh, for you will not get to me today, Munchies. But on the contrary, on a hungover Sunday consisting of a 12 hour Kardashian marathon, I anticipate your arrival before the first bong is even ripped, and I give myself wholly to thee.

Of course, M, there are those among us who claim you do not affect them. The truth is that they have just trained their high mind to resist you in the same way that John Travolta learned to resist the penis: barely.

The worst part is that, unlike the rest of our problems which we simply smoke away, you are the RESULT of smoking, and frankly that’s fucked up. So, to bring us back to the thesis of this letter, Munchies you suck and we wish your existence were as easy to smoke out of our consciousness as apartheid or like our homework. I’d like to say goodbye forever, but I know I’ll be seeing you this evening at dinner so, until then, a big fuck you.

High regards,

Stoner Betches

18 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Natasha says:

    this is so perfect!! currently having these problems right now and i love the mean girls ref

    Posted on Reply
  2. MJbetch says:

    “On the other hand, we just want to go to fucking Taco Bell but we can’t because we’re on an all carb diet. God, Munchies you are so STUPID!” hahahahahah…well done betches!!

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  3. Meghan says:

    “N-lips the blunt”? really betches? Tacky, tasteless, and ignorant. I’m kinda disgusted.

    Posted on Reply
    • Ya says:

      ‘N-lip the blunt,’ you know, the phrase ever smoker immediately understands and has used to describe slobbering on the B? As such it is perfectly appropriate given the context of the article. If politically correct humor is was you seek, may I ask what the heck you are doing here?

      Posted on Reply
      • Meghan says:

        “Ever (sic) smoker”? Yea, say that in certain circles and see how it feels when you get punched in the face.  Non PC humor is cool, but this is offensive and borderline racist.

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  4. LOL says:

    THEY CARE SO MUCH!!!!

    Posted on Reply
  5. Mannydelight says:

    The same way saturday night butt fever learned to resist the penis: barely. Lol lol rofl lol

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  6. bbetch says:

    Wow. “N-lip” betches? I fucking see why you haven’t done the Token Black Betch yet. Get the fuck over yourselves.

    Posted on Reply
    • calm down says:

      if you don’t like the material stop reading the website. simple as that. and as for the TBB, a “betch” has never been defined as black or white or any other color for that matter.. soooo actually you requesting a ‘special’ post for your color makes you the racist one. the token asian betch is a thing because they aren’t from the US—in other words NOT our culture—so they have betchy qualities similar to our society while having betchy qualities from their own society. That’s why they give shoutouts to betchy cities around the world to point out betchy things that ARE NOT American. Blacks and whites have been living in the same American society for centuries now, so why don’t YOU get over YOURSELF and stop trying to make racism happen. It’s not going to happen.

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    • UGH says:

      This is to you and everyone else getting worked up over this “not PC” phrase…if you wanted to read a non-offensive blog which doesn’t insult any particular group of people, go ANYWHERE but here. They don’t care that they’ve offended anyone so your criticism is pointless. ALSO this is not the first time they used the phrase. If you go back to Stoner Pet Peeves, they describe in-depth how much the person who N-lips the blunt sucks but no one had a problem with that. I know this rant is so anti stoner chill, but it seriously just amazes me that people still bother to point out the offensive shit the betches say. THEY DON’T CARE. Never have, never will. Done.

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      • AfricanBetch says:

        Alright, I’m legit from South Africa so please shut the fuck up. Ask me about my culture before you tell me I don’t have one.

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        • ... says:

          umm….no?

          Posted on Reply
  7. NiggerLip says:

    Say it if your going to say it. I think we all get it you don’t give any fucks, your pushing boundaries, your controversial. This was really none of those things just sad and childish.

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  8. ninja says:

    oh the midnight munchies dilemma…

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  9. Victim of Munchies says:

    Roomie just made cupcakes during our sesh…thank God music festival season is just about done for a bit HA!

    Posted on Reply
  10. Kells says:

    Welp, I’ve never heard of this blog before today and will not be returning again (nor finishing this post) because of the “N-lip” term. Um what? First of all I’ve been smoking and have never heard this in real life, ever. Yall are really saying this? And not seeing anything wrong with it? In your all White stoner circles i bet its cute. And yall wonder why Black folks won’t stop talking about racism in hopes that it will magically disappear. I wish one of you would say “Nigger lip” in ANY context in my presence. Watch how quick you get dropped. Think before you speak and write words on the Internet, then maybe the rest of the world wont hate your kind so much. Damn.

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  11. Alex says:

    “late night snack because a commercial for any type of food came on during South Park.” - prime with the south park and its like they make the commercials for stoners. they just know ima order their dominoes after i see their cheesy bread on tv

    Posted on Reply
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