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By The Gay Guys on

For years us gay guys have been repressed. We've had to wear our silk scarves away from the harsh light of day and keep our signed Brian Littrell posters in our closets, away from judgmental, prying eyes. Thankfully, someone was able to invent a fool-proof gaydar and we no longer had to fill our heads mid-pedicure with questions about the sexual orientation of that cute boy at gym.

So who would finally be the one to officially revolutionize gaydar? In an unsurprising turn of events, it turned out to be the same company that made a product called the iPad. Clearly they too had issues with the vagina. But with the release of the white iPhone, gay politics were taken to a whole new level. Owning a white iPhone became the equivalent to tweeting a photo of yourself getting blown by a dude. Introducing the signs your phone might be gayer than you:

Scenario 1:
You’re on a plane and the guy next to you who looks like Jeffrey Dahmer keeps trying to talk to you about his children and wife. He’s super persistent and wants so bad for you to look at the hideous pictures of his obese, gap-toothed toddlers. You want to kick yourself for thinking it was soooo down to earth of you to fly commercial. Then, just as your desire for this guy to shut the fuck up so you can watch Black Swan begins to rival Natalie's urge to be the prima ballerina, something happens. Jeff whips out his white iPhone. Ah, another day, another desperate closeted gay man seeking your attention. 

Scenario 2:
You’re at a dive bar with your Betch Besties and their Pro friends when one of them slides a white iPhone onto the bar.  You turn to his streaky spray-tanned delusional girlfriend. So sorry babe, but I’m pretty sure I know why he hasn’t tried to have sex with you yet, other than the fact that you wear Curious by Britney Spears.

Scenario 3:
A fat gay pretends to make a phone call on his white iPhone while he smiles at you from across the cafe. You order an ice water and cup of cucumbers and send it to his table with a note: “Not in my lifetime. Enjoy the food.”

So now that we've nailed down where white iPhones can be seen in the real world, it's time to explore the reason behind their homo mystique. Why are iPhones so gay? Well they’re not really; just the white ones. It’s the illusion of having something that only the elite, stylish, and fuckable have. With a black iPhone: you’re sending business emails; with a white iPhone: you’re sexting your boss. I mean yeah you could read a book at Starbucks, or you could whip out your white iPhone and use it as a beacon to signal that no, you don’t care about the stock App, you’re tweeting about Andrew Garfield’s dick size.

White iPhones may be gayer than Dick Cheney’s daughter, but they also accessorize nicely. Nothing turns us on more than a quick bump off the back of one during the middle of Electric Zoo. Every true gay guy knows summer is all about white on white on white.

22 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Gbetch says:

    Ummm…was going to applaud this until that last sentence.  maybe i’m smarter than the average gay betch (or, more specifically, the gay betches that wrote this) and therefore possibly over-thinking it but that last sentence seemed unnecessarily mildly racist/and suggests that gay betches can only be white… (coke on white iphone on gay white guy??)


    Posted on Reply
    • nah says:

      nah. they mean coke on white iphone being railed by gay betch dressed in summer white. fucking duh.

      Posted on Reply
      • Gbetch says:

        ok…that makes so much more sense.  actually laughing at myself for thinking that was racist. sorry bout it.

        Posted on Reply
  2. Agreed says:

    Unnecessary racism

    Posted on Reply
    • hello says:

      white on white on white is a mock of a song not racist. stupid.

      Posted on Reply
      • i mean says:

        i’m not necessarily saying i think that comment was racist but just in general “a mock of a song” and being racist are not necessarily two exclusive concepts

        Posted on Reply
  3. No says:

    Ew. Maybe you’re actually *dumber* than the average gay betch because it’s definitely a reference to white on white on white CLOTHING. Betches.

    Posted on Reply
  4. Umm...stupid previous comments says:

    Apparently you aren’t smarter than the average gay betch. He’s not talking about anything racist.  He’s talking about clothing, because the summer trend is white on white.  That means gays wear white pants, with white shirts.  That involves accessorizing with a white iphone.  How about you guys think before accusing.

    Posted on Reply
  5. Disagreed says:

    I think they meant white clothing , plus the picture they used is an asianey guy so like doubt thats what they were implying

    Posted on Reply
  6. SMH says:

    You are not a betch, you are a c***. Don’t speak for ‘us gays’ when you’re clearly a 16 year old closet case with dreams of Dorothy. TTH

    Posted on Reply
    • Donna Martin says:

      you seriously need to take a xanax, drink a martini and smoke a j… they are a SATIRE

      get over yourself

      no one at Westerburg is going let you play their reindeer games

      Posted on Reply
  7. numba28 says:

    you are all so quick to judge and criticize, good article!

    Posted on Reply
  8. No. says:

    Cocaine. White iPhone. White clothes. And reference to Dalbello ‘Black on Black’ lyrics. End of story.

    Posted on Reply
    • Yep says:

      Gay bitches be stupid as fuck. Gay Guys are on point with this.

      Posted on Reply
  9. <3 says:

    Oh god. I am dying. “So sorry babe, but I’m pretty sure I know why he hasn’t tried to have sex with you yet, other than the fact that you wear Curious by Britney Spears.” Perf. I’m so glad there is a Gay BFF on here now. About time.

    Posted on Reply
  10. lol says:

    People complain about about the racism, but don’t bother acknowledging the misogyny and fatphobia? Oh man, white gay male culture, continue to entertain me.

    Posted on Reply
  11. hahah says:

    Hahah ‘omg white iphone or black iphone like omg I totally can’t decide’ I can just imagine some stupid girl going retarded over this

    Posted on Reply
    • gaybetch says:

      You know it’s actually stressful. You’re stuck with that color until you drop it and crack the screen or leave it at the bar. That’s a long time to commit to one color of accessory.

      Posted on Reply
  12. gracemum1 says:

    by grace
    Hello, how are you doing? i hope fine and all is good to you,am miss grace,Nice to meet u dear i want to be your friend , kindly indicate your interest in me by sending mail me here my private email ( .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) ) so my photos will send you ok. Thanks and a nice day’‘’‘’(grace) ( .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) )

    Posted on Reply
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