I fucking love the Fourth of July, mainly because all walks of life come together and parade around in some truly questionable shit. Look to your left: fat tourists in their “These Colors Don’t Run” XXL t-shirts from the Walgreen’s couture bin. Look to your right: 20-somethings thinking that they are fucking Rosie Huntington-Whiteley in their Urban Outfitters diaper-y denim cutoffs and Singer22 “vintage wash” American flag t-shirts. As the Founding Mothers said: That’s the ugliest effing skirt I’ve ever seen.
Catherine Malandrino Flag Dress, $245: This item's description reads “Stars and stripes burst on a festive silk-chiffon dress.” I guess “burst” is an appropriate description for this explosive mess. Fucking Betsy Ross would shit a brick if she saw what had become of her designs. At least the stars are casually plastered across the crotch region—kla$$y.
DSquared2 “Gonna” Denim Mini Skirt, $265: Denim skirts are for 7th graders from poor states and clueless Eastern European tourists who pair them with Puma sneakers. Also, nothing screams “subtle” about a stencil print American flag on a fucking denim mini skirt. It's literally hilarious to think about the number of crazy people who approved this design because they genuinely believed it was a good idea to sell it and I feel like I just had an epiphany about how psychotic the world truly is. Vom.
Forzieri US Flag Crystalled Jewel Clutch, $630: I used to keep my Lip Smackers in a Christmas ornament just like this one. Swarovski rhinestones does not couture make, Forzieri. This is like a fucking Kris Kardashian arts and krafts project.
Polo Ralph Lauren Oatmeal Pullover, $287: I love when Ralph Lauren designs clothes for Paddington Bear's ski retreat. Look familiar?
Wildfox Couture “Born on the Fourth of July” Cropped Sweater, $229: It wouldn’t be Independence Day without a slew of fucking overpriced Brandy Melville/American Apparel/Urban Outfitters/Wildfox cropped, patriotic sweaters and tank tops. Hold onto your fucking hats: Wildfox’s “Born of the Fourth of July” collection is apparently endorsed by Katy Perry, and “ideal for the trendsetting fashionista.” When she said you were a firework she didn't actually fucking mean it. Kelly Osbourne purple hair sold separately.