So, the summer Olympics are finally upon us. I will be the first to admit that my knowledge of all things Olympic comes from like Jamaica’s bobsled team, Michael Phelps’s Subway commercials, and that time that bat shit crazy chick went to town on Nancy Kerrigan’s knee. Obviously there is nothing more patriotic than when we get together, burn a torch or two, and get pissed at the Chinese for having fucking robot-good gymnasts. So, in honor of the Olympics let’s take a look at some of this year’s uniforms, shall we?
Australia is really going back to its roots—sensible orthopedic shoes and butch blazers. I mean, just kidding: Australians are really fucking hot and have perma-tans. This totally looks like a picture from the brochure for Hillford School for Girls, plus I’m pretty sure that Ja’mie King is the brunette perched in the foreground. Check it out>>
Why didn’t anyone tell me that One Direction was participating in the summer games? But seriously, really fucking inconsiderate of Russia to use Commie red in such a manner that is undoubtedly going to cause permanent retinal damage. Check it out>>
So the Chinese raided the set of Austin Powers for some ‘60s inspired neckties. Whatever, Jeremy Lin can do whatever he wants. I don’t even know if that’s Linsanity, but it’s like a really tall Asian person. Check it out>>
In other news, France didn’t fucking show up at all when designing their Olympic gear. They thought Shaft jackets and all-white would be fantastic. But who really cares, because we all know France is going to sit out table tennis, claiming they are le tired. Check it out>>
Nein. I have seen this uniform on eager German tourists crowding outside Abercrombie & Fitch/Hollister one too many times. Stop trying to make white pants and poncho jackets happen, Germany. Check it out>>
Did I miss a memo or something that says every uniform should look like cast-asides from Pan-Am? It’s the fucking Olympics, not continental breakfast orientation at the Delta Airlines flight conference. Check it out>>
So Ralph Lauren is the official designer of the US Olympic team. First of all, are you really fucking surprised? Ralph is basically taking a break from poorly styling American Idol contestants and designing Americana tennis dresses to…doing the same for Olympians. Except apparently everyone has their panties in a twist, because Ralph outsourced the Chinese to make the uniforms and they’re not made in the USA. Fucking duh. It’s called #36 not doing work. Check it out>>
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