Remember back in 2006 when Proenza Schouler, Rodarte, and other designers thought it would be a fucking swell idea to collaborate with Target? Gone were the days when Jason Wu or Missoni meant the paragon of betchiness and exclusivity. Now, the morbidly obese and coupon clippers can wrangle themselves into a sad excuse for high fashion. I don’t care that Target is like, top-tier compared to Kmart, Kohl’s, and Walmart. Don’t fucking dip my high couture into a vat of deep-fried fugliness.
Peter Pilotto & Lisa Marie Fernandez
Apparently, there’s this trend of wearing neoprene—i.e. the rubbery material in scuba diving suits. I’m all for getting aquatic and sipping a mojito at your rooftop pool, but there is no need to prance around like you’re just coming from Carribbean Night at AEPi. The only upside of the material is that it will soak up any potential spillages of vodka sodas and such, and is probably like, The Little Mermaid version of Spanx.
Richard Nicholl & Topshop
This collection is called “Tie the Knot,” and is like ‘bride on a budget’ or whatever. Really the only knot I want to tie is the one to my noose if I was ever subjected to wearing this. Are you getting married under the Coachella ferris wheel, trying to look like a fucking jellyfish, or orchestrating a reenactment of Kate Moss’s nuptials? Didn’t fucking think so.
Louis Vuitton & Yayoi Kusama
Get this fucking Harajuku Lovers shit away from our Louis Vuitton. Yayoi Kusama is totally the fucking Yoko Ono to Louie. She’s a life ruiner. She ruins people’s lives. Put your Minnie Mouse/Big Parking Spot shuttle bus patterns in the fucking zoo, where they belong.
Hermes & Pierre Hardy
This is “equestrian-inspired jewelry,” but really it looks like Christian Grey’s “Down on the Ranch” themed prop set. If you’re a fucking horse freak, you can pay $23,000 to wear what appears to be a bejeweled Bolo necktie. I’ll stick with my Birkin, thank you.
Trina Turk & Banana Republic
Sometimes I wonder if Banana Republic is secretly run by Marnie from Girls. First, the Mad Men costume-y shit, now Trina Turk’s getting in on the fucking fun. Who exactly are they catering to? A Delta Nu Rho Gamma en route to the mixer, or a fucking septuagenarian on vaca in Palm Desert? Fucking mixed signals. Love how Coca Rocha is pretending she loves wearing this shit in the advertisements.
Versace & H&M
Idk if Donatella is living out her Memoirs of a Geisha tennis/country club fantasy through this look, but this shit just needs to be purged.
Joseph Altuzarra & J. Crew
“My inspiration for this collection was Brigitte Bardot in Saint Tropez and French preppy style.” Really? Because it looks like you got wastey-face at the family picnic and whipped up some designs with the tablecloths.
Mary Katrantzou & Topshop
It’s really unfortunate when you slip into a dress that looks like a fucking floral blimp or a stolen vase from the Ndebele tribe. Even ano Poppy Delevigne looked as pear-shaped as a Kardashian when she slipped into this number.
The Row & Tom’s
So even though Tom’s is like, supposed to shoe poor children and be socially aware, that doesn’t mean that you can’t buy your Row cashmere and Italian wool slip-ons. Doesn’t that fucking defeat the purpose? We imagine that the conversation went something like this:
Mary Kate & Ash: Hmmm, let’s pretend we’re socially conscious.
Blake Mozikowsi or whatever: Dolla dolla bill, y’all.
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