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By The Betches on

If last night's Real Housewives of Bev Hills taught us anything it's that perfecting your fake cry is an extremely important thing to do, that Bravo has a very fucking large asterisk next to the word "real," and lastly that you don't ever have to look for "funny" as an attribute in your future husband, all you need to do is hire Taylor's medium. FATHER! NO FATHER! YES FATHER! SETTLEMENT! I was crying-laughing so hard during that scene that my computer trackpad now has water damage. "Later I'll tell you the truth about Princess Diana." Someone please get me this bitch's number.

Back to the fake cry that was Taylor having minor convulsions while on the phone with her lawyer. Speaking of her lawyer, is it necessary to invite him to all dinner dates? More importantly, what will she do without TWO of her Birkins? I mean, this woman may as well hang herself now. Too soon Just in time? When the lawyer was like "these people want your wedding ring and one more thing... I don't know how to put this…." I thought he was going to say "your daughter." Now that my frenemies, would make for good TV.

And finally, Bravo pulled the shadiest fucking move last night with that casual segue into Lisa's spinoff. They lied to you, to me, and to my DVR. I mean I didn't NOT watch Vanderpump Rules, and I didn't not squirm while slut Scheana compared herself to Britney / moaned into a mic, and I didn't not spend an hour trying to figure out whom Stassi reminds me of. I still haven't figured it out by the way so if anyone has any idea please let me know, my brain hurts, fuck.

TAYLOR +8

"I worked too hard for this zip code to give up my Birkins that are probably fake now!"

-2: The morning you got the tortured phone call about the bad man stealing your wedding ring, was I the only one to notice this or did you look really weird? You kind of looked like you have been practicing crying for the past 20 minutes…

+10: That medium. I mean she's no Allison DuBois, but fuck if I wasn't laughing just as hard. She kind of reminds me of the freak Persian Priestess Shah, Asa. Minus the hairy brows.

BRANDI +6

"Money doesn't give you class, but Lisa gave me money to have this talk with Scheana"

+7: "Faye…chick with a dick." Touché.

+1: Alright, stop calling Scheana a starfucker, Eddie Cibrian is not a star.

-2: I love you but it's become apparent that you've fallen victim to the syndrome plaguing the vast community of botoxed women commonly known as "Hot woman, Ugly crier."

KYLE -1

"I was born and raised in Beverly Hills, this is my town, and you all fucked up the unveiling of my beautiful dining room, because that's REALLY why we had this dinner party"

+1: Sorry but I really love your pant-situation. Let's call it a pantuation.

+2: Loving the move to invite your friend with the commendable botox to do "yoga" as a means of talking shit aka piss off your yoga instructor. "Let's forget about all the bullshit you're talking about and go into warrior 2."

-4: Okay so I don't get it, did you like, tell Faye she was on this show? That bitch has a serious stick up her ass, or maybe she tucked a little too deep.

LISA +2

"Life isn't all diamonds and rose, it's also forcing my employees to wear loin cloths as their uniform"

+2: Ugh LISA, you're boring me. Do you do anything anymore other than facilitate other people's fights and make sex jokes? No? Okay we're fine with that.

ADRIENNE +1

"I'm a man hehe"

+1: While sitting in Paul's office testing exfoliants, Adrienne talks about how Brandi destroyed her marriage. "Paul and I are testing a skincare line….it's called Le Divorce."

YOLANDA -10 

"I like to have fun, and to me fun means talking shit about my children to their faces, telling them I thought they were lesbians when they wanted to play volleyball, and cooking pasta for my family of course!"

-10: I seriously hate you. Your husband hates you, your kids hate you and your horses definitely hate you. You're one of those scary sneaky bitches who would make poison from your flowers in your garden to kill people. Kids, I wouldn't eat that Bolognese if I were you.

And finally, Kim:

...Been going to cigar clubs. hahahha, +2000 for the laugh.

Last episode's recap >>

 

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30 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. kb says:

    Stassi = that girl that played super annoying Juliet on Gossip Girl (Katie Cassidy)

    Posted on Reply
    • B says:

      Yes, I was just going to say - Katie Cassidy for sure! Weird mouth situation going on there.

      Posted on Reply
  2. reality tv addict says:

    Stassi was on the amazing race family addition as well as a show on the-n called “queen bees” about spoiled girls whose friends an families send them “away” for a reality check

    Posted on Reply
  3. Your Name says:

    a more put together Tara Reid

    Posted on Reply
  4. Maddy says:

    Stassi looks like Chelsea Clinton !!

    Posted on Reply
    • danica says:

      YES. oh jesus thank you i was going crazy trying to get it.

      Posted on Reply
  5. ali says:

    worst written recap thus far, was it a comedic attempt to find the least betchy intern to write the betchiest recap? yeah attempt failed.

    Posted on Reply
  6. Gruel says:

    Hmm, I was wondering about Stassi that night too. Maybe half Chelsea Clinton, half Julianne Hough, and a touch of Topanga from BMW?

    Posted on Reply
  7. andd says:

    love how brandi flat out tells scheana that she “won”

    Posted on Reply
  8. Also... says:

    Also worth noting is that Taylor’s beloved Birkins did not have any paperwork…I smell a FAKE

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    I’m not sure who Stassi looks like but her voice is literally identical to Georgina’s from gossip girl

    Posted on Reply
  10. StonerBetch says:

    Stassi looks like whoever plays Char on The Lying Game.

    Posted on Reply
  11. anon says:

    loved the reference to dexter with the poison from flowers bit. maybe not betchy but an awesome show

    Posted on Reply
  12. K says:

    Stassi is the love child of Chelsea Clinton and Amanda Seyfried. Boom.

    Posted on Reply
  13. betch says:

    stassi = kristin cavallari

    Posted on Reply
  14. Lberdy44 says:

    Ugh I was totally hoping you would have said who stassi reminds you if, I was soooooo counting on you belches because its been pissing me the fuck off. So frustrating.

    Posted on Reply
  15. stonebaby says:

    Its definitely Georgina from Gossip Girl!

    Posted on Reply
    • BetchPlease says:

      Definitely a mix between the bitchiness that is Georgina Sparks and the semi-retarded look of Chelsea Clinton

      Posted on Reply
  16. Your Name says:

    Stassi is identical to Hannah from Americas Next Top Model cycle 11…The resemblance is uncanny.

    Posted on Reply
  17. Your Name says:

    Stassi is Chelsea Clinton’s sucky long lost twin

    Posted on Reply
  18. Your Name says:

    this recap was unbetchy—original betches need to stop biz-dev-ing and start writing again

    Posted on Reply
  19. fax says:

    stassi IS alexis from real housewives of orange county

    Posted on Reply
  20. duh says:

    you guys are all so wrong…..


    stassi reminds you of tara reid

    Posted on Reply
  21. AunaLee says:

    georgina sparks / karen smith

    Posted on Reply
  22. says:

    BRITTANY SNOW

    Posted on Reply
  23. Psyche says:

    Stassi is an ugly version of chelsea clinton - so needy, so ugly

    Posted on Reply
  24. your name says:

    From new orleans: Stassi like totally used to have dark red hair and was a pale overweight (for our standards) drama nerd. She tries to make herself sound classy with her new orleans “private girls school” comment - okay, catholic all girls schol, yes. Fancy private prep school? Dream on. 5g/year tuition = NBD , get over ya self.

    Posted on Reply
  25. kitty says:

    no one’s going to mention the fact that yolanda was in her backyard making FUCKING HONEY?

    Posted on Reply
  26. cavalier betch says:

    impressed that you sat all through it, and only bc i don’t understand how. i love Lisa as much as the next betch, really. she’s like the only woman in the illustrious (jk) history of bravo tv that is probs not completely tedious in person. (...whereas Taylor is like a tragic psych patient whose mere presence gives you bad vibes for the rest of the day, and Adrienne is the scary post-op, closeted drag mess that remains of the doubtless thick-limbed, little-bodied Danny Devito type man she was born…) and i even like ken. if you can’t be bothered to fuck your husband, for whatever weird personal reasons you may have, you might as well have a permanent sidekick whose primary occupation is catering to your whims. pushing you in the pink swing he built in your garden, moving you and all your shit from one big house to another one down the street, paying an army of gays who knows what to create your fat daughter’s storybook wedding day. but i’m not watching another reality show set in california, this time focusing on…the fucking waiters? really? the sorta young, kinda good-looking group of poor people who weren’t bright enough to cut it in college with their peers. we’re supposed to want to watch that?

    Posted on Reply
  27. Uwilllose says:

    Omfg
    U little fuckers r so incredibly delusional
    This is a fucking joke site like the onion
    I love how judgement and jealous u r and your snobbery is disgusting
    One day your brain will develop and
    U will hate yourself
    U won’t ever be on a reality show
    Gossip girl is a fucking tv show
    Which u covet so much
    U will remember how lame your sorority
    Is and half of u btw r secret lesbians
    U r racist vapid monsters

     

    Posted on Reply
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