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By The Betches on

Last night both the housewives of Beverly Hills and the colonics lodged up their respective assholes finally loosened up and they had a little fun. I mean, they all went to Ojai to celebrate Kim's sobriety and all proceeded to get fucking wasted. That's definitely what we call fun. For those of you who watch these shows for producer-driven drama you must have felt gypped because literally nothing happened, except for that one conversation about Brandi telling Mandrienne to shut the fuck up was repeated 54 times. That aside, last night's ep was pretty fucking funny so let's all take a moment to thank the one thing responsible for entertaining us: alcohol.

Kim: "Life is a journey and I keep finding myself realizing that rehab was a huge mistake." -2

-2: It's official. You're like, really weird.

Brandi: "Money doesn't give you class, shut the fuck up." +13

-2: Glad we got a head count of vaginal and C-section births. Truly, it was a lovely visual. There's def nothing I want to picture more than a 4-pound slimy fetus emerging from between Adrienne's legs. Thx.

+15: For this list of quotes because they're all about Adrienne and simply, amazing:

On Adrienne's book deal: "Adrienne isn't super smart, is it going to be a children's book?"

On something we don't remember but it was funny: "Guess what, I'm not your puppet, bitch."

To Adrienne convincing her to arm wrestle: "You definitely want to arm wrestle, you're a guy!"

On Adrienne in general: "Adrienne doesn't understand the concept of a lot of things."

On Adrienne and somersaulting: "I was surprised to see Adrienne take her weave out and do some work."

Lisa: "Life isn't all diamonds and rose, it's also about getting wasted on rose at Bravo's staged dinner parties." +6

+3: Lisa: apologize... Brandi: No! I'm not sorry.... Lisa: Well then fake it I'm sure you've done that before.

+1: You're seriously so wise, "Saying shut the fuck up is a gift to these women." You're like the yoda of Beverly Hills.

+2: We would give you negative points for wearing those sneakers with that pajama sundress but it was just too funny. It's like Lisa, little Vanderpump on the Praire.

Kyle: "I was born and raised in Beverly Hills, it's my town, and I think it's time for me to get a new opening line because it's stupid as fuck." +1

+2: For talking shit about Brandi, the person who was defending your sister, instead of actually going to see if your hysterically crying sister was ok.

+1: To Lisa in her badminton-chic gettup: "You look like a bee keeper."

-2: Your horrible Chanel iPhone case was horribly horrible and made my eyes bleed and my head hurt I would hit that phone out of your hand if I could but I can't so I'm over it.

Taylor: "I fought too hard for this zip code to let Brandi one-up me with her little "divorce." Hello, suicide, ever heard of it?" -5

+1: "They don't call me Arm-Strong for nothing."

-4: So like your ass was unblurred, what was that about?

+1: If Taylor is so good at arm wrestling, how could Russell beat the shit out of her so easily? You were all thinking it.

-1: For fighting Brandi about your respective book deals, it was like an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm:

Brandi: I'm a survivor.
Taylor: No I'm a survivor!
Yolanda: Somebody get a sponge.

Adrienne: "Know your friends, and realize that it's not just your enemies that say you look like a man." -8

-3: "I'm a dude." Okay she didn't say this, but we're all wishing she would.

-1: For the way you arm wrestle - your hand was like a dead fish. Ugh I can't watch this anymore it's like a Battle of the Botox...and testosterone.

-4: For the way she kept repeating phrases like, "very inappropriate very inappropriate" "I didn't mean it like that I didn't mean it like that" ...you'd think she was a furby. You actually look like a furby. And like a furby, I will hit you with my brother's baseball bat.

Yolanda: "I like to have fun but can only drink once a week because I have actual baby lambs growing inside of me and they get angry when I feed them alcohol" -4

-1: Yolanda constantly criticizing everyone for being "real Beverly Hills" girls ... Have you met yourself? Your fridge is color coordinated.

+2: (positive points for talking shit) List of things Yolanda has commented about "these women" They don't:

1. Know how to act at dinner parties.
2. Know how to act at group dinners.
3. Know how to drive golf carts.
4. Know how to play badminton (or any sports)
5. Have you seen my house? I designed it. It's exquisite.

+1: "These women clearly have never played a sport in their life. I mean I've seen better badminton playing in a Tampax commercial."

-3: Yolanda really knows how to have a good time, throw a couple of towels at her besties in a mud sauna, a little competitive golf cart racing, and for the evening a little tea and bed by 9! They should change her name to YOLO.

-1: "What they do is they take fresh cells of the unborn fetus of the baby lamb".... you sound like an upscale Hannibal. IT RUBS THE LA MER LOTION ON ITS SKIN...

-1: "Clearly I'm the better driver because I look back and I see driving Miss Daisy unable to drive." Actually Yolanda, first off Morgan Freeman was a very good chauffeur in that movie. Secondly I know you're from like the Netherlands or some shit but being brunette doesn't make someone black.

-3: "There's nothing uglier to me than a bunch of drunk women".... Kyle said it best: She may want to find a new crowd.

Last week's recap>>

 

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12 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. smartbetch says:

    Adrienne is like Tommy Two Times, Two Times. Just as manly.

    Posted on Reply
  2. chanel says:

    great shout out to kyle’s putride chanel iphone case… i got embarassed for her when the camera got a glimpse of that….and lisa’s outfit funniest thing ever on any housewives show and adriennes voice is legit the most annoying thing ever good call with the furby connection

    Posted on Reply
  3. Your Name says:

    great shout out to kyles putride gold chanel iphone case….i was embarassed for her when the camera got a glimpse

    Posted on Reply
  4. Your Name says:

    Officially declaring this the best rhobh post yet-so fucking funny. “They should change her name to YOLO.”

    Posted on Reply
  5. stiffy says:

    what about, “I haven’t said anything but I got aa book deal too” -adrienne and then the shot of her lonely glass up in the air.  awk

    Posted on Reply
  6. Your Name says:

    HAHAHA BEST REVIEW YET “And like a furby, I will hit you with my brother’s baseball bat.”

    Posted on Reply
  7. omg. says:

    “If Taylor is so good at arm wrestling, how could Russell beat the shit out of her so easily?” .....I know I shouldn’t have laughed, but I did. For like five minutes straight

    Posted on Reply
  8. M says:

    I DIED when Lisa impersonated the girls. Love her American accent!

    Posted on Reply
    • Cam says:

      hahaha seriously how did she not get points for that?? She was even mimicking Kim’s weird ass face and it was too much to handle

      Posted on Reply
  9. S says:

    jesus kim how many xanys did you pop before the spa? “we’re all naked…and reaching…up!”

    Posted on Reply
  10. Britt says:

    Upscale Hannibal…. I died. best recap yet for one of the worst eps yet… way to go betches!

    Posted on Reply
  11. Katherine says:

    IT RUBS THE LA MER LOTION ON ITS SKIN…

    haha best line ever

    Posted on Reply
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