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By The Betches on

Season 2, Episode 8: The Opposite of Relaxation...because Kim stole all the xanys

We can't say that this episode was the most exciting one recently, but we'll still watch the reruns 10 times anyway. Camille showed us how it's indeed possible to both marry a celebrity and be incapable of conversing with men. Taylor showed us that she's achieved a weight that's made her practically invisible to the camera crew. We were nearly speechless on trampoline scene except Kim, your front flip is a 6.5

As usual we were left wondering about a few things, like who were those 2 randos at spa day, Adrienne's ugly down-to-earth friends? Aren't getting a facial and wearing makeup kind of like, mutually exclusive? Do they think we have time to google who the fuck Mohamed is? Is Mohamed's castle going to be Pam's wedding venue?? Why doesn't Bernie have an accent? Doesn't anyone notice this I feel like I'm taking crazy pills

 

fatal attraction"Like A Virgin" - Brandi

 

Serious points to Bravo for the irony of having the housewives work out an argument on a spa day. But really, it was a joke, because the only thing we resolved is that Taylor still has enough money for lip injections.

Further points to Bravo for the appearance of Brandi and Pam on Watch What Happens Live, the two of them have zero filter and therefore are comedic fucking gold...

 

Quote of the Night:

Bravo Andy: Pam, what's the most common misconception about you? Brandi: That she's rich. Pam: You bitch!

 

Finally, congrats to Adri for going from 0 points last week to winning. Truly a great American 'riches to betchy-with-riches' tale.

(Also, take our quotes loosely, we can't pay attention long enough to write down the lines verbatim.)

 

Adrienne:

"Having it all is easy... what, you don't eat golden whole wheat crackers and have your own hydrofacial laser light therapy thing?" 10 points

 

+1: There's nothing more necessary than 3 refrigerators. +2: For being so over cooking before it even started. +2: "So once I take it out, I physically stand the chicken up?" - Okay Amelia Bedelia, chill with that. +1: Finally you took those dirty jerz tinsels out of your hair +3: "I built a spa in my house so like, why go anywhere else?" - Soooo betchy. So glad you decided to participate in the series, has your publicist been reading our recaps? -1: Why are there 55 red velvet cakes? Let's count how many of the housewives eat. Um, 2, Lisa and Kyle. Incidentally the two with the happiest lives. Perhaps we've got it all wrong about not eating..... Nah. +2: We find it odd that Adrienne always plays the peacemaker considering her relationship with her husband, which basically exists on a foundation of his Stockholm Syndrome and her abuse. We wonder how many fights that spray tan machine causes between Adri and Paul. "ADRIENNE YOU TANNED MY DOG!"

 

camilleWe found the Zodiac killer

 

 

Lisa:

"Life in Beverly Hills is a game. Game over." 8 points

 

+3: Cooking isn't betchy but making fun of your bestie while teaching her how to is: "You might as well put the chicken in the dishwasher." - Then Lisa asked to see Adrienne's penis. +3: "It's funny that he sees Pandora as his goddaughter when she's the same age as his girlfriend. I guess they can play together." - You top yourself in every episode. +1: When you say "sort it out" you actually say "sawtitout" +1: You should've mentioned to Mohamed that the pillow-to-bed ratio in the orgy room was fucking poor. Not gonna fly at a Vanderpump shindig. Sort it out, Mohamed, sawtitout.

 

Kyle:

"I may not be the richest girl in Beverly Hills but I DGAF because you're jealous of me" 7 points

 

+3: How many times did you want to scream "Stop fucking standing over me, does no one realize I'm getting a massage...It's so hard being me." +3: No but seriously WHERE did you find Mauricio? +1: "Where were the diamonds? So cheap."

 

Kim:

"People try to figure me out, but I'm like a crossword puzzle with clues... Impossible." 3 points

 

+2: "Kyle thought we were being 'bad' by jumping on the trampoline, but me? I'm always jumping on the trampoline!" - Our first thought was obviously, when where and with whom does Kim do all this alleged trampolining. But we get it now. Kim's life is just one everlasting trampoline jumping sesh. With like, the ups and downs, highs and lows, whatever. +1: "I don't like her, I don't think she's got a pretty mouth. Dirty, dirty, ugly mouth. Like a sewer." ...Clean it with Orbit.

 

Taylor:

"I finally found my voice... oh wait fuck where'd it go." 1 point

 

+1: What you really wanted to say about your lunch with Brandi was how weird it was that she ordered fries when everyone knows "lunch" just means a latte.

 

Camille:

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, but did you know that I was married to Kelsey Grammer?" -2 points

 

-3: She totally wanted to fuck the guy with the champagne, but shame on her for that attempt at flirting with the waiter. Yeah Camille, telling guys how much weight we want to gain has worked for us in the past too. +1: She's a completely changed person since last season. Apparently divorce turns betches into nice girls and um, Brandi Glanville into a pir-unuh...in the words of Kim RichardsConfucius.

 

kyle and lisaKyle, I love when you whisper sweet nothings in my ear

 

 

Pam:

"I can barely walk in these thunder thighs" -3 points

 

-1: For wasting oxygen. Go green, go the fuck away. -2: How come so little screen time this ep? We're dying to know which famous designer is your gynecologist.

 

Brandi:

"Bravo put me on suicide watch." -6 points

 

-1: Sick pants suit. Totes goes with your crutches. -3: We're so over your tears and your face not moving. Ugh, go gimp elsewhere. +1: Hahahah. "I know I'm a nice person but if you can't see it then FUCK OFF." Way to show and not tell! The betchiest thing you've said to date. WWHL -3: We died when you screamed FUCK on national cable. What's next, a wardrobe malfunction? One of your huge national geographic breasts gonna pop? Can they tell when it's fucking raining?

 

Final scores, for betches who can't read good:

 

Adrienne: 10 Lisa: 8 Kyle: 7 Kim: 3 Taylor: 1 Camille: -2 Pam: -3 Brandi: -6

Last week's recap>>

 

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18 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Wrong says:

    Kim is the second least betchy housewife and even though Dana is worse, that doesn’t mean Kim is one. She’s pretty pathetic and doesn’t take care of herself (she needs Botox… like yesterday.) The fact that she is related to superbetch Kyle really just emphasizes how sad and unbetchy Kim is in comparison.

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  2. betchintraining13 says:

    can we please talk about how great it is that the betches call her PAM instead of DANAAAA… both names suck anyways

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  3. Christine says:

    Brandi’s camel toe in the god awful jump suit

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  4. yohevad says:

    Oh em gee. How does Kim not win betch of the year every fucking episode? They ALWAYS revolve around her. Adrienne still did nothing and is too fucking nice to ever earn a point. Kim IS on crystal meth though. Let’s not kid ourselves. Brandi was right and after watching WWHO, I kinda like her. She’s fucking honest! Dana…ehhhh no.

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  5. Anonymous says:

    Brandi was pretty good on WWHL though. Telling andy she wants leann rimes to play her in a movie was hilar.

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  6. Anonymous says:

    Also, the fact that pam wants demi moore to play her in a movie? Hahaha talk about delusional. Or, more likely, she just wants to be kyle. Patheticcccc

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  7. kristen22 says:

    I am so happy that you referred to Pam and not her real name. I hope the whole season goes on like this.  Kim does some really dumb things, but this is def in her top 3 greatest.

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  8. judge me says:

    It seems like she might have it in her with the pam thing, apology refusal, and the fact that it’s in her DNA (Kyle, Paris, etc.) it’s just hidden under her recreational use of whatever.

    They forgot to give points to Kyle’s amazing daughters for being examples of betch-hood. “Daddy I’m a mermaid! Ew, you got water in my eye…” Priceless.

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  9. Housebetch says:

    Kim is too a betch you whore bag! She does whatever she wants and doesnt give a fuck. Come on girls.

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  10. krissy says:

    how do i say this nicely?
    no one fucking cares about the housewives.

    instead of doing recaps, keep coming up with new posts.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    We all know Brandi’s not afraid to hide one thing… that camel toe.. yikes -3 points more for that betch. As for Kim she is hilarious love that betch how can you not just laugh when she talks about everything. I’m all for team betches KIM/KYLE

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  12. K says:

    Just sayin’, Maloof Manor is god awful. It’s better suited for the real betches of New Jersey.

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  13. grammar says:

    speaking of “bitches who can’t read good” how about bitches who can’t write well? good is an adjective, real betches know how to speak!

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  14. Housewifey says:

    It’s from Zoolander fucking duh

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  15. whoah says:

    The fact that you don’t know thats from Zoolander makes you NOT really really ridiculously good looking and therefore, not a betch.

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  16. Zoolander says:

    You’re an idiot.

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anonymous says:

    Don’t even call yourself a betch if you don’t watch this show. These betches are/did exactly what we all want to do in life; be rich,fucking sit around all day talking shit, spend money, drink and take whatever drugs kim is on. These posts just help us all keep track of who’s winning. love these keep them coming

    Posted on Reply
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