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By The Betches on

Season 2, episode 19: I'll take some Xanax with a side of Lorazepam, please

Holy scandal, the drama of last night's episode of RHOBH was insane, literally I wasn't sure whether I should have been laughing or covering my eyes 90 percent of the time. There were probably enough tears last night to fill a moderately sized children's pool. However I can definitely say, with extreme confidence, that the general absurdity of tonight's ep wasn't even close to being on par with whatever the fuck Lisa wore to SUR's opening party. That looked like a frock you'd order out of a My Size Barbie catalog.

On a semi serious note, we're going to go out on a limb and say that half of these people should not be on a reality TV show. They're going through like, actual issues that are evidently being heavily exploited via Bravo. Taylor having a black eye? Kim being one Vicodin away from performing SUR's first ladies' room abortion? Being well versed in the fine lines of appropriate, it's clear that this shit is doing more than just straddling it.

Hands down Kim stole the show tonight. Between rummaging the trash for empty coke baggies and pulling out vibrators disguised as lip gloss, she truly showed us that life in Beverly Hills is quite rough, and the only way to get through it all is with a prescription for Prozac.

 

Kim RichardsWe commend you on your collar bone

 

 

Kim: "People try to figure me out, but even I usually can't remember my own last name." 14 points

+1: You are constantly packing and unpacking because you are a hot mess and always searching for your drugs. +1: But like, you finally moved in and now you've announced you're moving out of Ken's? I would seriously consider hiring a bodyguard or like, Lord Farquaad before you let Shrek in on this news. +1: Ken sounds like a total psycho, "He wants to know what I'm wearing... where I'm going ....what I'm eating....how long I'm planning to pee for..." +1: Your entire night is one big party foul. Kimmy, do you know where you are, like physically? +2: I love buttons...! +2: I don't want a kid.. I want to travel! +2: Kim: I think I'm gonna take my bra off! Ken: NO. Kim: Yes...Oooh I'm really loving these buttons. +1: "I'm a virgo. I have to just stop" Oh you crazy virgos, always making treasure out of trash! literally. -1: I mean what's with these old fucking housewives who think they're pregnant? You're either going through menopause or obviously malnourished. +1: Casually giving herself an abortion in the bathroom while Ken knocks on the door. +1: Your makeup artist is very witty. On the topic of the 'lip gloss': "That's for the lips...but not the right kind" +2: You told Kyle you spend all your days crying like you did in the clothes store? What about that magical brunch in Hawaii you had with Ken overlooking the lobby!?

 

 

Lisa: "Life in Beverly Hills is a game and there were too many unwanted playing pieces at my party." 9 points

-1: Your embrace with Ken was totally kward. What, you only show PDA with Giggy? +1: SUR stands for Sexy Unique Restaurant. So much for the elegance of subtlety. +3: For not recognizing 'the help' out of uniform. lol. +3: For kicking out 2 people out of your party. That waitress was totes thrilled she didn't have to work that night. Having sex with married Beverly Hills pros really has its benefits. +2: You really fucked up with monitoring your invitations. First Brandi's ex husband's mistress, then Paul's ex girlfriend, then Bernie....we smell Bravo's producers. +1: Tonight Ken looks especially like a 70's porn star, just missing the 'stache.

 

 

Brandi: "If I were any taller I definitely would not fit on screen." 3 points

+2: Way to bring along your extremely unattractive friend to make you appear that much more attractive. +1: For telling Ken he looks like a homosexual hound.

 

 

Adrienne: "Having it all is easy if you don't give a shit about anyone but yourself." 3 points

+3: "Taylor, I care about you, I really do. If I didn't I would wait until they stop filming to make dirty looks after hearing your sob story, but for you, I saved them for the cameras."

 

 

Lisa and CedricThis was awk but Lisa's over it, and so are we

 

 

Camille: "Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, shutting the fuck up and smiling is." 2 points

+2: She's been so chill lately, it's great. When the producers ask her what she's doing that she's not involved in the drama anymore, she's probably like: nm, jc. u?

 

 

Taylor: "I've finally found my voice, and turns out it was underneath my black eye." -2 points

+1: Life for Kennedy is really unstable right now so I figure in order to give her a sense of stability and purpose I will give her something any child would want, a list of chores. -2: Whats going on here? You're seriously taking your therapist as your date? Isn't this some sort of breach of the doctor/patient relationship? Is he billing you for this? -1: "I just want to know that you're all there for me." It's like the sisterhood of the traveling botoxed alcoholics.

 

 

Kyle: "I may not be the richest girl of Beverly Hills but this Turbo Tax commercial is gonna make me fucking millions." -9 points

-1: I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the last fight that I wasn't really involved in. -2: Can you just like stoppppp fucking crying already, your emotions are about as unstable as Kim's sobriety. -1: Seriously, if you cried and spoke less you would be able to hear what Kim has to say slur -5: A Turbo Tax commercial Kyle, REALLY? What's next? Herpecin?

 

Last week's recap>>

 

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22 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. charlestonbetch says:

    Adrienne needs to be dinged a point for using the phrase “no,no,no,no” in her tranny smoker voice every 3 seconds

    Posted on Reply
  2. Anonymous says:

    not to be anal but did someone miscalculate on the taylor math? also, you should have given lisa a +1, not a minus, for running away from ken’s touch. who wouldn’t?

    Posted on Reply
  3. ughh says:

    whos the new chick doing the recaps? is this one of those interns?  it used to be sooo much funnier.

    Posted on Reply
  4. gay betch says:

    I’m sorry but what do you betches see in Kim? There’s a difference between having a line or two before dinner to avoid eating, or having a good stash of pharmaceuticals and being a walking disaster like Kim. No self respecting betch would have arrived at a party with that ratty hair, ill-fitting dress, or Payless shoes. Scrounging for coke in empty plastic bags means your too poor to call up your damn dealer and get resupplied. PATHETIC.

    Posted on Reply
  5. Lawyer Betch says:

    um….clearly YOU have miscalculated on the Taylor math.  Basic addition and subtraction, anyone?

    Posted on Reply
  6. Sarah says:

    I literally cried laughing at the skrek comment and the comment about Kim and Ken having brunch over looking the Lobby. Im laughing outloud right now. This blog is so funny. I almost look forward to it more than I look forward to the actual show. This week you really nailed it on Kim. Thanks!!!

    Posted on Reply
  7. LKC says:

    Kyle is dropping off…no one wants to confide in her (probably because she’ll start crying) - like Taylor calling Lisa about leaving Russel, and Kim telling Adrienne first that she’s moving out/away from Ken.
    Kim looked like a mess at SUR and when she asked Lisa if she looked pretty enough or something, Lisa’s response, “You look okay.” She’s great at calling it as she sees it.

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonymous says:

    OMG, this ep was so cringe worthy I think I have early onset crows feet from watching

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    If it was one of the interns who wrote it, +3 to the betches for making the unpaid intern do the work for them.

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    Um, Kim was def. The biggest loser this episode. She was a train wreck. Just because the drama mostly centered around her doesn’t give her the most points. Vanderpump always comes first.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    seriously but i mean if ken is trying to control how kim looks…well what kind of fashion choices can we expect from the gay mastiff?

    Posted on Reply
  12. SeriousBetch says:

    Don’t think I’ve ever laughed at anything she has ever said- but this was an exception. The look psycho Ken threw Brandi and Paul was priceless. Brandi didn’t even try to hold back the laughter, she was so betching. Paul also gets plus points for breaking out in a fit of laughter after a second of attempting to be serious. Seriously, what is wrong with Ken? He is literally a psycho. I know that Kim has some sobriety issues, but she could still be pretty hot considering she is literally Paris Hilton with an extra twenty years on her belt and she could DEFINITELY do better than a gay bull mastiff.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    betches! especially after your post on abbrevs, you should know its “awk” and not “kward” ... come onnnn

    Posted on Reply
  14. Cam says:

    Def concur. Brandi was a late bloomer this season. She basically became the betchy version of Kim, Xanax and all.

    Posted on Reply
  15. Anonymous says:

    Nope
    1-2= -1
    -1-1=-2
    Fucking duh

    Posted on Reply
  16. Anonymous says:

    wait hold up, did no one care to acknowledge Kim pulling out her fucking giant ass monster-sized candy bar while her betchy make-up artist filled all the cracks on her face?

    that’s probably the only thing she ate that week. well, that and a shitload of cocaine. 

    maj kisses to kim and her train wreck of a life

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anonymous says:

    Adrienne needs to be dinged a million points for that disgusting weave.

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    yeah this one sucked. the photo captions were especially boring.

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    how is kim’s “i want a f**king flower!... you ruined my flower” not in there?!

    Posted on Reply
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