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By The Betches on

Season 2, episode 16: You're not invited, but your Ciroc is

This episode... just no. We felt like there was going to be drama the whole time but there wasn't really until the last 5 minutes. It was a classic case of 'great trailer/dece episode' because we were so pumped to see Kyle kick Russell out of the party. Obviously this didn't happen until the very end and we didn't even get to see a resolution. Stop breaking up 3 hour parties into 2 hour-long episodes, like I'd rather sit and clip my dogs toe nails than watch Kim in inebriation-limbo with her stupid pointer finger.

The only time we consciously think during is this is when Andy comes on during commercials. Who is he dating right now? Does he pitch or catch? Well that and like, can a housewife have fun at a fucking party without getting slapped with a lawsuit? Let a housewife live.

But more importantly, why is the issue in this episode, 'Russell, stop sending threatening emails to Camille' and not, 'Russell, stop beating the shit out of your wife?'

Finally, regarding Pandora, can she wear anything that isn't a floral fucking sundress? Though we did notice her see through cheetah bra under her dress, you little slut.


rhobhThis is from J.Crew anyway


Kyle: "I may not be the richest girl in Beverly Hills but at some point I have to learn how to pull it the fuck together." 4 points

+1: "What was I thinking to have this white party?" - You were thinking, I want everyone to see my new house. -1: Your party planner looks like he ate your party guests. +3: "I'm so stressed right now, Mauricio touch my boob" -2: Cry me a fucking river Kyle. This is how you deliver moderately bad news? Hope you never have to tell your kids the tooth fairy isn't real. -1: "Taylor...Taylor.... don't go yet!!" - You just kicked her out of your party. What did you want her to do, leave in like 5? "Let me cry in your limo for like just a few more secs" +3: Haha Mauricio, "please leave my house but lemme get that vodka first." +1: The hairdresser (who looks like the result if Alex from Lost and Mufasa had a kid and like moved to Jersey) asks her "what's your sisters boyfriend like?" ....Ugly.

Camille: "Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, but Paul is apparently my new bestie with testes" 3 points

+3: While all this dramz goes down you have no idea whats happening. Points for fighting above the influence, let your lawyers take care of it.

Adrienne: "I may have everything, including a husband whose middle name might as well be Regina George" 2 points

+1: Paul so betchy, only thinking about number 1... "but like I get that Taylor's husband beats the shit out of her but like, aren't we all supposed to go to Hawaii?" +1: Real Housewives mantra: "Friends don't sue friends"

Lisa: "Life in Beverly Hills is a game and let's play, 'Who kills the Asian first?!'" 1 point

+2: Lisa wiping her tears on Pandy's cardigan but not Giggy's cardigan. Points for picking the little dog as the favorite. -1: The wedding music. Wtf am I in a bloody Spanish discoteca, a mariachi band? Real fucking classy Vanderpump.


fightWoof Brandi Woof


Dana "Pam"

is a joke

Brandi: "My nipples are proportionate to my height" -2 points

-1: Brandi and Kim fighting is like a great dane bullying a pomeranian. -1: At the party with a woman...again...Lez be honest, just come out of the closet already.

Kim: "People try to figure me out but I think they may have all given up" - 4 points

-1: All we have to say is that all of Kim's jewlery is circa 1982...acutally scratch that. Kim is circa 1982. -1: Kim's daugter Whitney looks like Paris with Rumer willis' jaw. Dunnnun...dunnun..dununununn... -1: Kim's other daughter...Kimberly...looks like Kyle's dauther. This is like the Robinsons, but like, not really. +1: Kim you're so fucked up at this party right now you just called Ken "Kim" -1: Chill out, the Brandi Scandy was so 5 weeks ago. -1: To her kids: "I find the best way to be a mother is to tell you please hide your feelings".

Taylor: "I definitely got beaten the shit out of directly after this episode was shot" -5 points

-1: Since when can Russell afford a trip to Hawaii? -2: To Russell: "You look great too" - kk he actually looks he flew out of the cuckoo's nest. -2: Also she's like baseee jerking him off in the limo. Whatever it takes to avoid the belt.

Last week's recap>>


28 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. BetchPlease says:

    I think it goes without saying the true winner of this episode was Kevin, Lisa/Pandora’s Gaysian wedding planner. +15 for being Frank from the Father of the Bride reincarnated in real life. From his lip liner, to shield glasses, he makes me want to get engaged so I can have him plan my wedding and make all kinds of fab-boo-us decisions. Obvi, he needs to be added as the next housewife onto the show, I can only imagine how much shit talking he would talk about everyone and what his confessional interviews would be like.

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  2. Anonymous says:

    my question was… why the f*ck didn’t they kick camille and fucking deedee out???

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  3. GBFF says:

    Don’t we think Kyle deserves some neg points for the lump of arm fat that the strap of her white party dress was giving her?  It looked REAL bad and gave her a weird tri-boob effect…not cute.

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  4. Anonymous says:

    I had a hard time focusing on the big dramatic climax due to Maurcio’s fucking sexiness. Ugh jel.

    That being said, Lisa playing captain-save-a-hoe this ep was totes lame & Uncharacteristic. Russell threatening to sue everyone is not conducive to my entertainment.

    & Norms I don’t even notice Pam, but holy fucking HAIR. If Kim is circa 1982, Pam decided to jump on the bandwagon & naturally take it way too far. Wtf was that? And what was she wearing.. Please just go back to the trailer.

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  5. Anonymous says:

    What kind of question is that? Are you living on planet dumb ass betch? Yes, let’s invite the wife-beating psychopath into our event so he can sue us all royally up the ass.

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  6. Anonymous says:

    Whatever it takes to avoid the belt.


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  7. mama to be betch says:

    best episode recap of any Housewives episode. ev. any franchise. I cracked the fuck up while reading the majority of this. I really hope you’re getting paid for this shit, cause it’s brilliant. EVERY thing you said was something I, too, thought during this cosmic episode but am far too lazy to write down.

    Hope you’ll cover the Orange County broads as well.

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  8. Anonymous says:

    Was anyone else nervous for brandy at this party? I mean it being an all white party and that fact she wasn’t wearing a bra?  I smelled an “accidental spill” of champagne on her dress waiting to happen…

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  9. lola says:

    While the fight was going down, ‘we r who we r’ was playing in the back ground lol!

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  10. Anonymous says:

    Cover the Orange County housewives?  Um, fuck that.  Those women are so incredibly basic.  Why would I want to watch them?  They’re like, upper middle class (at best) and all look the same except for that Vicki bitch who is plain old fug.

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  11. i love this show says:

    I think Paul was the true winner in this episode. Kyle was so fucking irritating.

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  12. Anonymous says:

    the betchiest of them all without a doubt is Paul. When Kyle was bawling her eyes out and everyone was scared to tell the wife beater to get the fuck out Paul told it like it was and let Russell know that his letter was inappropriate & that he had to go. The only thing that would have outbetched Paul would be if the wedding planner told Russell toodaloooo mothafucka

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  13. Anonymous says:

    the episode would have been a lot more interesting…. camille is boring as shit!

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  14. BB says:

    Betches don’t get “jel”.

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  15. Anonymous says:

    “my daughter has something to say to you too”

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  16. Amanda says:

    Kim: “Look I’m wearing Pants!”
    Yes Kimmie, those are pants. I think you may be ready to move on to learning your colors next! God she’s so pathetic. Why is she on this show again?

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  17. Chrissypoo says:

    Normally I worship everything Lisa wears, but dear god the white dress was atrocious. An for real Kyle, buy a dress that covers those arms. Camille, flawless as always.  And don’t judge, but I totes want to fuck Paul now. After he injects my cheeks with filler. He was dead sexy going ham on Trailer and Hubs.

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  18. anon says:

    word on the street is kevin is/was the actual real-life inspiration for the character in father of the bride… he’s been a well-known larger than life character in the bev hills scene for years

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  19. Ohhaayybetch says:

    -5 points…#kim’sboyfriendlookslikeMr.Bean

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  20. Anonymous says:

    hahahaha stop. this was funny as fuck.

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  21. minkbetch says:

    agreed, pam looks like she got stuck in a fucking wind tunnel

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  22. Anonymous says:

    Ahh I was thinking the same thing about Paul. I hope Adrienne gave it up that night (because you know they never bone).

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  23. Anonymous says:

    HAHAHAHAH omg i just died reading this! it was so on point.  Prob one of the funniest posts i have read in a long time.  xoxo betchessss

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  24. Lex says:


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  25. tall betch says:

    Agreed. Props to whoever referred Vicki to Voldemort’s plastic surgeon, cause those two def have the same nose. And the Bev Hills housewives are so much better at keeping their husbands fucking whipped.

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    • Guest says:

      She totally looks like voldemort!

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  26. tall betch says:

    Good God did anyone else notice Quasi-Ken’s atrocious ensemble?? A white Polo button down with a NORTH FACE shirt underneath? REALLY?? It looked like he raided a frat guy’s closet, then got hit by a car and became horribly mangled. I would say he should consider plastic surgery, but we all know that’s not going to happen since Paul fucking hates his pill popping girlfriend.

    Oh and +5 Kimberly: “I took two Nyquil last night and this morning I fell asleep in the shower” Like mother, like daughter. What a proud moment for both of them.

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