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By The Betches on

Season 2, Episode 14: Rufied Wine Party From Hell

This episode of Real Housewives was like a scene from the Real World or WWE Diva's. Shit was whack. If in Oklahoma they get drunk and yell pathetic things at their friends then yes, Taylor, you finally went all "Oklahoma" on someone's ass. We're sure that either Brandi or one of Bravo's production crew dropped some Xanax in the girls' wine because tonight was simultaneously hysterical and nauseating. Why do they keep having girls-only parties? They're a recipe for a disaster bigger than if we were to recap Real Housewives of Atlanta.

We really do like it when they all plead for no drama amidst shit talking every other sentence. i.e., the nip-uation. We could've come up with something a little better than "this is wedges and no bra party." Like someone could have at least asked Brandi if they were fake a la Samantha Jones.

But seriously, no wonder they all get into such insane fights with each other. Put 15 starving betches in a room and shit is bound to go down. We may not eat but talking shit will keep us alive.

We're sure about one thing though, vaGina makes some delicious looking spring rolls.

 

Camille:

"Diamonds aren't a girls best friend, drunk DD is" 9 points

 

+7: Camille should technically win betchiest housewife for seeming like the least psychotic woman at the party. Props for whatever meds shes on that stops her from violent outbursts. Or the fact that she doesn't drink...hmmm, that's something to think about. Wait what the fuck are we saying? Sober, baaaad. Black out fighting.. GOOOOOD. +2: "Why is DD speaking? I didnt pay her for this!!!"

taylorWe wish Adri were here to cover our mouths...to prevent us from vomming

 

 

Lisa:

"Life in Beverly Hills is a game, Ken only wins 2 BJs per year" 7 points

 

+2: She loves talking about how she has bills to pay, also pretending like her wedding Pandora's wedding will be less than a million dollars. See: how to seem down to earth. +4: The contractor says "It helps that you look fabulous today." Extremely betchy response: I know that asshole, how do you think I'm on TV now now get your shit together. +1: "Blow job classes? I should've gone." Ken you dirty devil you. No but seriously, we believe you have sex twice a year the same way we believe Kim hasn't had a drink in months.

 

Kyle:

"I may not be the richest girl in Beverly Hills but I'm definitely the most flexible" 0 points

 

+1: "I will never say never" - Who ever thought Justin Bieber was really singing about preventative botox!? -2: Omg Kyle please say something controversial and stop saying stupid shit like "I think Taylor is worried Russell will hurt her" and "I wish my friends would all get along." +1: Stop doing splits and just show us the trapeze in your bedroom and the sex-trained circus midgets hiding in your closet.

 

Brandi:

"My parents were hippies, we were always naked, and ironically danced to Leann Rime's songs" 1 point

 

+1: You looked like Taylor Swift at lunch with Adri, except you can't sing, walk without a gimp, or host a dinner party. +2: Battle of the attention seekers, who will win? Kyle's Arabian belly dance or Brandi's big nips? It's called boob tape. But who cares anyway, the 2 of them were trumped by Taylor's fit of rage and pulling over for a cigarette...And we thought Kim would be the one to cave first. -2: "I just wanted to try to fit in." Is this a scene from Secret Life of the American Teenager? This episode should be called 35 going on 13.

 

Adrienne:

"I may have everything, but holy shit, Paul's actually a dece plastic surgeon" 1 point

 

+1: "This group drives me to drink" - As soon as she said that, Taylor started babbling emotional nonsense that no one wanted to hear. Here's an idea, no one sit with Taylor for long enough for her to start talking about her personal issues. "I can't trust anyone anymore----"...Hold that thought Tay, I gotta go check on Bruce Jenner's ex wife, see what she thinks about how big the ocean is...and then go drown myself in it."

taylor swiftDown to the earring

 

 

Kim:

"People try to figure me out but my housekeeper knows me best" -1 point

 

-2: "Ohhh my blanket's all clean!" - Stop doing housework, you have a housekeeper. +1: "She doesnt exist, why would I go to her party?" - And next week on the Real Housewives, we find out that Kim sees dead people.

 

Taylor:

"EEK" -10 points

 

-3: Your lips are like the King Da Ka of your face. -2: "Normally I'm all like, make it all better, put some icing on the cake, put some cover up on my bruises, move on and shit." -1: "Ooh belly dancing, a perfect time to bring up all of my personal problems" - 1: "I want to talk to her alone" and by alone I mean surrounded by a group of 20 women. -3: Taylor is such an annoying loser - you're really going to pull the 'I'm going to step outside so everyone asks me to step back inside' move. WE INVENTED THAT MOVE and then ditched it once we turned 13.

Last week's recap>>

 

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31 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. HB says:

    Kim casually eating a plate full of Cheetos.

    Posted on Reply
  2. Anonymous says:

    I’m shocked you guys didn’t notice the blatantly disgusting full-length weft of cheap horse hair extensions plastered on Brandi that showed in one scene when she was shot from the back. I was so appalled & revolted. All Taylor Swift look-alike talk should be rescinded as this bitch has no taste.

    Bahahahaha @ Bruce Jenner’s ex wife’s completely irrelevant Gandi-esque phrases AND her gold tank top. Bet the Kdashs were #talking mad shit.

    And did anyone notice the rando old guy that was serving wine staring Kyle down Like a serial rapist as she was doing her crazed Belly dancing. *Sigh* wish Kim had shown up to put more uppers in their drinks. And REALLy glad Pam didn’t because after all, it was a belly dancing party and that would have just been embarrassing.

    Posted on Reply
  3. Amanda says:

    That shit cray!!

    Posted on Reply
  4. emily says:

    uh can we just talk about how linda thompson (aka brody jenner’s mom) is off her rocker ? all that ocean talk & being an evolved species ? ahahaa ! i thought it was hilarious how bananas she is. get down with your wacko self, girl.

    Posted on Reply
  5. Dazy says:

    How could we forget the super betchy moment when Brandi kicked Taylor out mid-rant. Also, more points need to be taken away from Brandi for having that girl off of sober house as her friend…who really likes sober people?

    Posted on Reply
  6. blackbetch says:

    i wouldnt buy those cheap hair extensions even if they were giving them away for free. What the fuck is up with Brandi’s hair?? She needs to take a page out of the Maloof Guide to style… hell even Kim Zolicak knows how to rock fair hair better than Brandi. Thats a shame. She sucks.

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    So are we to take it that Brandi is now povo post-breakup?  “I just moved in and my house is a disaster” AKA “I just downsized so my house has about the square footage of half of Lisa’s shoe closet.  Her friend’s beach house was also extremely basic. 

    Negative points for quality of life.

    Posted on Reply
  8. L says:

    Gotta point out the woman consoling Brandi is on celebrity rehab w dr drew. Also let’s not overlook the fact that her and her nips were wassssted beyond belief—I’m pretty sure her “familiarity with drug dealers” is code for “recent personal experience”

    Kyle sucks.. Camille’s my new fave.

    Oh and DD…HONEY..

    Posted on Reply
  9. Kate says:

    Did anyone notice the girl from VH1 Sober House was there?  WTF?

    Posted on Reply
  10. GBFF says:

    Ok, so DD is like, the all-time worst.  Literally stfu, don’t you realize what you are to these women?  DD, Camille’s Best Friend?  No.  DD, Camille’s Head Minion?  Yes.  She better keep a little quieter or she might find herself off of the Grammar-payroll…

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    ON CHINAAAAAAA. she should at least get 3 betch point for that.

    Posted on Reply
  12. E says:

    Kyle is losing more and more points for trying to figure out Taylors life…she can’t even figure out her own life, leave her alone and get your old BFF Lisa back.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    I think Lisa should lose points because she keeps acting like she’s so “above it all” and ditching all of the parties where she knows shit’s gonna go down. Like either you’re on the show, or you’re not. And frankly I’m sick of Lisa missing prime opportunities to talk shit because we all know she’s the best at it.

    Posted on Reply
  14. GBFF says:

    More like -3.  Are you implying that you’re a ‘betch who eats cheetos’?

    Posted on Reply
  15. LKC says:

    I loved when Kyle showed her talons when referencing how Brandi kept talking about her hot husband.

    Posted on Reply
  16. Betchy says:

    lol! Cant believe no mention of kims cheetos and water (aka vodka on the rocks)

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anonymous says:

    that was dumb, there’s a difference between betchy and a stupid bitch. accept the damn compliment about your husband

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    This show should be renamed the downfall and defamation of taylor armstrong. Betches should have let her jump off the railing, THAT would’ve been good tv

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    Kyle deserves negative points for that safari hat she wore to Paul’s office..

    Also no mention of Brandicap no longer using the crutches?

    Posted on Reply
  20. Meredith says:

    “Why is life so dangerous in the BH…that we have to have each other’s backs?” Good thing she can go “Oklahoma” on everyone’s ass.

    Posted on Reply
  21. Meredith says:

    Purrrfect moment….

    Posted on Reply
  22. bad betch says:

    sad that brandi impersonates a weepy teen girl in the looks and style department.
    i think adri needs more betch points for saying “we all have problems” because she equates her millions of dollars to being abused by russell, and real betches dont give a SHIT about what anyone else is going through.

    Posted on Reply
  23. Kay says:

    is going on?? 1) who is that ugly old woman talking about how old the ocean is?? 2) why is DD actually insane?? 3) why is everyone wearing disgustingly hideous wraps??

    Posted on Reply
  24. Jess says:

    everything out of taylor’s mouth sounds like it’s coming from a shrink. she needs to STOP playing the victim because it’s beyond old and kyle needs to stop giving her meltdowns any attention.

    But seriously, kelly, russell, taylor…do they ask how unhinged a person is at casting?

    Posted on Reply
  25. iloverealitytv says:

    Last season, Lisa and Kyle were my favs. This season, Kyle sucks because I’ve come to realize that I hate Taylor more than I like Kyle. I started the season hatin’ on Brandi, but the fact that she kicked Taylor out of her party made me think she deserves more points.

    Kyle sucks this season. I think Brandi is a nice addition that’s bringing some spice into the season.

    Posted on Reply
  26. BB says:

    If they were free, you wouldn’t be buying them…

    Posted on Reply
  27. coolbuddy54b says:

    Fuck buddies are in a position to be with one another in public. They often bump into each other at the same parties, bars, and clubs. Fuck buddies will seldom make plans with one another. Meetings are usually additional spur with the second or if there may be nothing at all superior occurring. Fuck buddies can meet at the venue where the other fuck buddy is at then go house with each other, whereas, booty calls will normally just meet a sex fuck buddies  in which they may have sex.

    Sentiment:

    Fuck buddies are social play buddies. The romantic relationship is constructed on fun, casualness, and sex. They may be actively dating other men and women and are not considering dating the other fuck buddy. Fuck buddies will generally only hang out if sex will ensue afterwards. Depending around the relationship, sex could possibly be exclusively with one another or open to other individuals. This type of relationship ends if 1 of the members starts to seriously romantically date yet another person. However, if that companion returns to single status, the fuck buddy relationship can be reestablished.

    Posted on Reply
  28. Anonymous says:

    Is DD a lesbian? Her drunken confession of her love towards Camille was creepy. Points to Camille for saying ” I know you love me, I know…” to DD. Also how many times did the ladies have to shoo DD away from the fight outside only to find her sneaking back into the scene like three times. Lastly, Brandi was lit like a Christmas tree - she’s an even bigger idiot when she’s drunk.

    Posted on Reply
  29. dgs says:

    for saying what we’ve all been wanting to say for, like, the past six episodes: “FUCK YOU BRANDI”

    Posted on Reply
  30. Jorge says:

    Taylor:  “I finally found my voice… And my husband dangling from the ceiling.”

    Posted on Reply
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