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By The Betches on

The Phantom of the Catwalk

We know, we know, how can we seriously recap an event which consisted of nothing besides our personal icons walking a total of 30 feet to the tunes of the most overplayed songs on the radio. The answer is, fucking easily, this shit was great. We just hope they gave the men in the audience some tissues.

So the show opened and it seemed to be some sort of slutty cirque du soleil situation, mostly because of the random Tony the Tiger in the opening, the only notable absences were Sigfried and Roy. Sure many of the costumes may have looked like they were glued together by Miss Lippy during recess but somehow these girls manage to make literal circus costumes look hot. We don't even really care that most of them can barely speak English, who needs grammar when you can fully count 18 of your ribs? Modeling: the only profession where they need affirmative action for American girls. And okay, we have to say it. Candice, if you're from Africa....why are you whiter than coke?

Ri-Ri's performance: She looked like Audrey Hepburn if Audrey was black and didn't know the difference between diamonds and pearls. Seriously, we just know those sunglasses were chosen for the sole purpose of hiding either 1) the fact that you blazed backstage or 2) you're hiding the brighter than a diamond shiner that CB gifted you before showtime.

Bruno Mars' performance: First, next to these models Bruno looked like the Hobbit. Second, it’s not the least bit ironic that Bruno didn't sing “Just the Way You Are.” That's just not the message tonight.

"We'll be like Sam Ronson and Lindsay Lohan"

Bieber's performance: Was dressed like he was about to go jousting, and he still looks like Sam Ronson. There's not much else to report except for the fact that he totally got a boner and subsequently had to be restrained from leering at the models.

One thing we could really do without was the behind-the-scenes "get to know the models" crap. However the interviews are hilarious. "We go all over world. We shoot 10 days for 30 second commercial. Isn't that heelarious? I work with Michael Bay. Who is he? I don't know."

To be honest, backstage at the VSFS looks horribly claustrophobic and anxiety-ridden. Oh no! Erin's pink top hat fell off! The audience is going to see her natural hair! Hat team ASSEMBLE!!....Thank God our lives are not that stressful.

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28 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. bee says:

    the best VS fashion show recap? the worst. were you too lazy to write anything decent? and do i detect a hint of jealousy? not skinny enough, betch? get some lines, go to the gym, and pull yourself together you sad fucking mess.

    Posted on Reply
    • TTH says:

      Oh my god I am personally embarrassed for whoever wrote this comment.

      Posted on Reply
  2. Shira says:

    Lolzy. Lotsa grammar issues though, oof.

    Posted on Reply
  3. Andrea says:

    Oh Jesus Christ, the domestic violence jokes need to stop.

    Posted on Reply
    • No. says:

      Rihanna deserves that joke. Because she’s an idiot for getting back with Chris Brown.

      Posted on Reply
  4. mermaidhairr says:

    how did one person hate this recap…

    Posted on Reply
  5. MeMeMoi says:

    But Rihanna’s last performance was better than the WHOLE show… She’s swagged. And she can’t even sing.

    Bieber looked like a pop princess who lost her wig. Girl better work! Still don’t find him remotely appealing.

    Bruno was good.

    Candice is HEART. Behati is awesome. Doutzen is gorgeous. Miranda is (^_^).

    Posted on Reply
    • Are you kidding? says:

      ‘Swag’ is not in the betch vocab. its ghetto.

      Posted on Reply
  6. Your Name says:

    Can we talk about how awkward that model was trying to look cute with justin

    Posted on Reply
    • Yes. says:

      I was cringing at that

      Posted on Reply
    • Brittany says:

      So happy someone mentioned this!

      Posted on Reply
  7. MEHHHHHH says:

    MEHHHHH—not the best one

    Posted on Reply
  8. san diego says:

    doutzen is def the prettiest

    Posted on Reply
  9. ? says:

    No comment on the editing out of November’s Indian costume? You’ve gone soft on me.

    Posted on Reply
  10. adrianalima says:

    are you seriously not going to talk about how fat adriana lima got this was the major convo at my viewing party she actually looked fucking nasty

    Posted on Reply
    • Um says:

      In all fairness, she did just have a baby 6 weeks ago. Why don’t you give her a full two months after bringing a new human being into the world before you judge her so harshly?

      Posted on Reply
    • dumbass says:

      thats called child birth, dumbass

      Posted on Reply
    • fuckinghell says:

      I genuinely feel bad for how you were raised if you think Adriana is fat. Your parents should be ashamed of themselves. “She looked fucking nasty”? You have serious problems, my friend. She looked fucking hot, just as she always does. God forbid you couldn’t see every single bone in her body less than two months after she GIVES BIRTH. You know what really looks nasty? Ligaments and tendons instead of tits and ass. Hip bones that look like they’re one wrong turn away from slicing through the skin. Being able to count every vertebra in a chick’s back. Shoulder blades that could slit your throat. That is what is “fucking nasty.” This is a lingerie fashion show. If you don’t like tits, ass, hips and thighs you should probably consider watching something else.

      Posted on Reply
      • yell says:

        Damn you wrote what i was thinking by reading that. If Adriana Lima and brazilian models looks less that fucking hot, the world’s definitely ending!

        Posted on Reply
    • sofat says:

      she looked huge in when they all walked out together at the end!!

      Posted on Reply
  11. adrianalima says:

    you should consider watching something else.. Never in the history of the vs fashion show have they let a woman walk that was that out of shape. And ya, i get that she just had a baby, and that that’s hard, but honestly this woman is paid more money than any of us will ever see in our lives to be the image of human perfection. People tune into this show not to see “real beautiful bodies” but to see something so outrageously perfect that your face drops in awe. so like, if she, to quote gisele decided to “get pregnant and turn into a garbage disposal”, then I don’t understand while she would even walk.  of course she’s beautiful, and any regular person id be impressed, but like, i just honestly don’t understand why they would let her walk when she looked like that? It just doesn’t fit the whole message of the fashion show

    Posted on Reply
    • agreed says:

      yes Adrianna is drop dead gorgeous and she looked amazing as usual, especially that she had a baby so recently, however this is the VS fashion show.  To say she looked “fucking nasty” is a bit of an overstatement but we don’t watch this show to see average, healthy women.  This isn’t one of those things where a person can say don’t judge her on her body she looks beautiful just the way she is.  She is a victoria secret angel. No scratch that, she is THE victoria secret angel. I love her and admire, and once again think she is gourgeous but maybe walking in the show 8 weeks after having a baby was not the best idea.

      Posted on Reply
    • haha you are so wrong. says:

      she looked hot; chill the fuck out. I mean you must be, quite frankly, really ugly to use words like “fucking nasty”. I guess not all betches can be hot and pretty… besides the only people i know who use the word “nasty” are disgusting ghetto bitches. NOTHING sounds more off-putting than a girl using the word “nasty”. your comment is appalling. you don’t have to like the way adriana looks but saying she looked “fucking nasty” is not only appalling but immature—what young girls say when they are jealous. lets be real. the girl has a face from GOD, with genetics to die for. i think every woman on the planet would kill to look like her, and it’s only a matter of time until she has her rock hard body back. in the meantime, i STILL think she looks fucking amazing, and i still believe every betch on the planet would trade places with her if presented with the opportunity. until you can see the light, I also genuinely feel bad for you. so do what you need to do—breathing exercises, light a j, take a trip to candyland, WHATEVER, but seriously calm *the fuck* down. xoxo

      Posted on Reply
  12. Tash says:

    Betch, I can’t believe you didn’t mention the awkward moment when Rihanna aimed to slap a VS model’s ass and ended up slapping her vag!!! Not an easy moment to miss!

    Posted on Reply
  13. Shea says:

    I’m dying at how hard this made me laugh. Well done.

    Posted on Reply
  14. Michelle says:

    the line just the way you are just not being the message tonight .. that was amazing such a good point like definitely not.. also another idea or a post you should do if you haven’t already done one… backhanded compliments

    Posted on Reply
  15. This post should have been one word: says:

    “Whatever”

    I have better things to do than rip my self esteem to shreds/talk shit to make myself feel better/gain 10 new girl crushes/have weird dreams about a threesome with Adriana and Orlando Bloom

    Posted on Reply
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