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By The Betches on

Yay, The Bachelor season 389562837428 has finally begun and we're just so happy we don't have to look at Ben's ugly face and be reminded he looks like Francine from Arthur for like a million more episodes. Instead we have Sean who's actually so hot, minus his invisible eyelashes which are really creepy to think about. Sean really gave it to Chris B. Harrison and the producers by giving out roses as whimsically as he fucking pleased, sending the bachelorettes into drunken panics over who got an early rose and who didn't. Leave it to Sean to mix shit up in the most boring way possible. Not that he doesn't already make it extremely obvious when he's not into a girl (Am I going to have to blow my rape whistle?) since he's literally the worst actor since Honey Boo Boo.

So why was tonight different than every other first night of the Bachelor? Maybe because this time we have some seriously careerist bachelorettes, like the poker dealer, cruise ship entertainer, or jumbotron operator.

SEAN

"I'm Sean Lowe I'm from Dallas and I'm more blonde than an SS Officer."

Cut to 5 shots of Sean working out so we can see that he's got a sick body and his skin tone is darker than his hair. I seriously need sunglasses to watch this with the strong glare off of Sean's head. Sean, so Aryan right now, Sean.

Sean is the best uncle ever. You can tell because he chills in the hammock with his nephews. I can picture Sean's talk with his sister about whoring out her kids on TV. "Look I just need a shot of your kids running into my arms. ABC will give you like 45 bucks."

RANDOM ARIE CAMEO

Ah, Arie taking a break from his busy racecar driving career to give Sean a metaphorical blow job and continue his 6 months of fame by giving Sean kissing lessons.

“I can’t use ‘it’s not you it’s me’, because it’s obviously gonna be them.”

“It was really good to see Arie, he had a lot of good advice for me. I’m pretty sure I won’t use any of it.”

THE BACHELORETTES

“There’s 26 gorgeous women out here.” False Sean. There’s like 6. And the rest have no fucking clue how to dress.

Tierra - Wants to have a family. Loves God and Sean Lowe. For these reasons plus the little empty heart she drew on her finger, she got the first first impression rose. Listen Tierra this isn't Jet Blue, don't enter with your baggage.

Desiree - "Finding the perfect wedding dress is like finding the perfect man... the more money it's worth the better it is." This bitch has clearly seen Bride Wars way too many times.

Sarah - Compliments on the skinny arm. First of all, give yourself some credit, you have 1.5 arms...you do however have one HAND. I mean, she deserves a chance to explain how she doesn't want him to assume that her arm situation "stumps" her personality, which is actually quite disarming.

I feel like they put the nub girl on simply for the blogs. Just wait, she'll end up being the only normal one on the show.

Robin - She's sick of being single, possibly owing to her proclivity towards spontaneous handstands. Chill out Gabby Douglas.

Diana - Classic story of a divorcee mom who leaves her children and busy life to traipse around the world and “find love” for 3 months. Don't get your hopes up Diana that was a one-time thing.

Ashley P - Hair stylist who chills with her cat. What a catch. 2011 called. They want their excessive 50 Shades of Grey references back.

“Ashley P. That girl’s a trip.” - Sean's diplomatic way of saying “she's a fucking crazy bitch.”

Lesley M - The political girl with the football. Awkward having to go to Kinkos and ask them to print you a Leslie/Sean 2012 sign. Hello, it's 2013.

Lauren - Italian mafia girl. I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse Sean, pick me choose me love me or else my father might snap your neck...love ya!

AshLee - Professional organizer yet can't seem to organize her dating life or figure out how to spell her name right. You went through many adoptive homes? Maybe because you kept voluntarily organizing everyones shit.

Selma - Short, pretty, and seemingly normal.

Catherine - IDK. Says weird shit. 

Jackie - Has to physically mark Sean because her personality isn't memorable enough. Like a dog peeing on a hydrant.

Leslie - This girl was sort of ugly hot in an ethnic way, so she got an early rose meaning he likes her personality. Deep shit.

Daniella - Girl who taught him the handshake. Kind of looks like she smoked a crack pipe in the limo.

Lindsay - Showed up in a wedding dress because when your job is a substitute teacher you really need to make sure you find someone to marry you stat.

"Honestly, I wish I was more sober."

Kelly - The cruise ship singer. That was the most awkward song I’ve ever heard brought to you by Token Fake Tan Bleached Blonde.

Katie - Yoga teacher. Curly hair has got to go. Somebody get this girl a hair straightener and like a pair of shoes. Namaste.

Lacey - Gave him heart of lace. Unmemorable.

Paige - The one from the Bachelor Pad 3 and all around failure at the Bachelor franchise.

Amanda -  Awkward silence girl. Has huge teeth.

Kerriann - Says she drove like soooo far to get to meet him. Where the fuck are you from, the Arctic Circle? Do you want gas money or something?

Booke - Wow, one potential lawsuit and enter Brooke as the third black castmate. Quota officially filled.

Kristy - Model from Wisconsin. Excuse me, psychotic FORD model from Wisconsin.

Tiana - The model dressed as the Little Mermaid or like Nicki Minaj.

Jesus Christ there are actually 5 black girls. ABC is going hard. We'll call them the Dreamgirls.

Taryn - The girl who cried.

Kacie B - The bulimic girl from Ben's season whose face always looks like she's prairie doggin. She came on the show because "if I didn't come I might miss out on the person I might spend the rest of my life with" aka the bullshit reason I go out 5 nights a week. Does anyone remember when Kacie B stalked Ben and like sprawled herself out on the floor after he rejected her?

ROSE CEREMONY

Is he going to even bother having a rose ceremony at this point? He gave out roses like free Costco samples.

He kept Kacie B, maybe because he didn't want to embarrass her seeing as there's no way she'll win. Can't fucking wait to see that breakdown.

“I got kicked off the Bachelor the first week. Who wants to date that girl??” - The cruise ship singing girl. What a legacy.

We're pissed he kept the crazy wedding dress girl over the crazy 50 Shades Ashley girl. 50 Shades was so much more entertaining, especially the face she made when she pulled the tie out from her dress for the third time. Sean: Oh uh, you still have it? Ashley: ::stares and creepily smiles at him::

25 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Dream Girls says:

    “Wow, one potential lawsuit and enter Brooke as the third black castmate. Quota officially filled.”
    Literally, my thoughts.

    Posted on Reply
  2. Double D says:

    It’s crazy how many people he has to keep on for a few weeks so as not to look like a dick.

    Posted on Reply
  3. Scarlet says:

    “Where the fuck are you from, the Arctic Circle? Do you want gas money or something?”
    Perfect.

    Posted on Reply
  4. Uber Bitch says:

    This could’ve been funnier… More commentary on the “Southern” black girl who once dismissed, realized she actually speaks Ebonics and moonlights as Nikki.

    Posted on Reply
  5. FrenchBetch says:

    No mention of Lauren’s super Italian nose…... disappointing

    Posted on Reply
  6. blackcitybetch. says:

    i’m so super glad that there is some diversity this season. too bad they felt the need to cast the token ratchet minaj twin, the socially awk engineer, and the other boring one who probs won’t make it past next week. maybe next time, lole.

    Posted on Reply
  7. perfectpost says:

    Also pissed I can’t get to see more of 50 Shades of Ashley!

    Posted on Reply
  8. anon says:

    Taryn is honestly the mom from Modern Family…. like 5 years ago. But not funny.

    Posted on Reply
  9. doh. says:

    Good to see Ashley Rickards make a cameo as Desiree this season. “Awkward.”

    Posted on Reply
  10. kc says:

    50 shades dancing was my favorite part of the episode….BY FAR. “Mom, don’t be mad…”

    Posted on Reply
  11. that girl's a trip says:

    How about when 50 Shades of Grey Girl fell and was like never mind I’m just going to sit here like I meant to do that….no shame, gotta love it. Who would choose wedding-dress girl over that? Come on, Sean!

    Posted on Reply
  12. mary says:

    I died at the gabby Douglas reference

    Posted on Reply
  13. JAP says:

    Glad to know at least one of you betches is a member of the tribe

    Posted on Reply
  14. go kacie says:

    am i the only betch who loves kacie b?!

    Posted on Reply
    • Betch says:

      Omg no I love her!

      Posted on Reply
    • Betch1 says:

      I love Kacie B!!!!!!

      Posted on Reply
  15. Team KCB says:

    Lesley’s sign said 2016, so she was “politically correct”.

    I wish this were funnier.

    Posted on Reply
  16. Enaira says:

    I was really confused about Arie’s visit to Sean before the ladies arrived. He gave him tips on kissing and other mundane stuff but something tells me that Sean has never had trouble scoring with the ladies. Besides, he’s the bachelor and the girls are trying to get his attention. My DISH co-worker says that this may just be a way to get him in the spotlight one last time which I think is ridiculous. I told myself that this season will probably be a waste but I’m addicted to this show so of course I’ll keep watching to see what happens. The Bachelor airs when I’m at work so I’ve got my DISH Hopper ready to record the new season. It can record up to 2,000 hours of TV shows and movies so I don’t have to rush through what I’ve already recorded. That way I won’t miss any of the crazy shenanigans.

    Posted on Reply
  17. arizona1 says:

    Pathetic.  Political correctness run amuck.  Ridiculous.  4 black chicks and an amputee.  What a joke. Im sure ABC has ordered this clown Bachelor to “keep” at least one of the blacks and the one armed girl for at least a few episodes.  If he dumps them he will appear he is a racist and /or prejudice.  This is the crap you get on TV in todays world.  I fully expected some chick in a wheelchair to come wheeling out of the limo in order to fill that quota.  Next time one should expect a transgender he/she to make an appearance in order to not offend that group.  Pathetic.

    Posted on Reply
    • emily says:

      The real SS officer… ^

      Posted on Reply
  18. curlygirl says:

    Katie doesn’t need a straightener, she needs to hydrate and take of her curls. Her hair could be so pretty and different than the other girls - get some Deva Curl!

    Posted on Reply
  19. Lindsey says:

    Did anyone else laugh out loud at the comparison of Ben flajksjsneaksmj to Francine from fucking Arthur? Funniest shit ever… Hahahah

    Posted on Reply
  20. Jess says:

    Did anyone else notice that Ashley H (eliminated in the first rose ceremony) sounded exactly like 10 year old Micheal Jackson?? I’m so glad we only had to suffer that for one episode.

    Posted on Reply
  21. rashed says:

    I love your drawings and have been silently following. What kind of ink do you use for your drawings? And do you ink
    before or after you watercolor?

    Posted on Reply
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