Tracker Pixel for Entry
By The Betches on

It all started in middle school when one of our more mature besties suggested we try this new amazing thing called a frappucino. She said it's like coffee but for like, teenagers! From that moment we were hooked on this new cool place called Starbucks and we couldn't stay away; we'd go after school, try all the new flavors (Orange Mocha Frappucinos!), talk shit about how Mrs. Peters the social studies teacher totally chain smokes in the bathroom during lunch, all while extremely hyped up on caffeine in our So-Lows.

But like these things usually go, the high calorie drinks fad faded faster than Nokia cell phones and braces and so we moved on, but one thing stayed the same and that was Starbucks. That's the thing with Sbux, it's a place betches can always trust: a safe haven that happens to be located on every block of any city, even the ones that don't matter. You can always count on it for a clean bathroom, an overpriced drink, and the reassurance that you won't leave smelling like a thick Indian curry or poor people.

Don't get us wrong, we don't love Starbucks for its superior coffee beans; an americano actually tastes like a turd dipped in a third world river. It's because Starbucks, other than its seven-dollar holiday pumpkin spice specials and seasonal cups, is a place that never changes - celebs are often seen sporting their teas and coffee, it's zen, it's well-lit. They'll always have Sade or an indie cover of Rage Against the Machine to complement our xanax or adderall.

We also love Starbucks because it's our ally in the war against the overweight. They'll always have the calorie count placed next to the salted caramel mochas for those who need to be reminded that a cinnamon scone is the equivalent of 10 meals. And the baristas will never ask us to repeat ourselves when we mumble "sugar free hazelnut soy iced coffee" while we furiously text our group chat. Unlike being at a state school or like, Old Navy, betches feel at home at Starbucks.

So go order your trenta iced coffees, ask for a sleeve because it's snowing, and don't even think about going near those cake pops. Every betch knows they totally got it wrong: fat Americans (don't) run on Dunkin, chic betches leisurely stroll on Starbucks.

<< #187 Homeland

#185 Giving Dirty Looks >>

34 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. cool says:

    can you recap NASHVILLE?

    Posted on Reply
    • sdew says:


      Posted on Reply
    • yessss says:


      Posted on Reply
  2. Brittany says:

    So good. And that picture….I died.

    Posted on Reply
  3. C says:

    Literally LOLed at the last line - perfect, betches.

    Posted on Reply
  4. um says:

    ....Sbux? Really?

    Posted on Reply
    • NYSE says:

      SBUX is the official ticker on the NYSE. A betch would know that since her father was probably an initial investor when the IPO was released.

      Posted on Reply
  5. L says:

    Um yes. Oh are you a wannabe hipster that only drinks from obscure coffee shops where every single customer is wearing shitty thick framed glasses?

    Posted on Reply
  6. G says:

    In love with everything about this post

    Posted on Reply
  7. Kate says:

    I voted for iced coffee. And I won.

    Posted on Reply
  8. starbucks sucks says:

    everyone knows that The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf is better than Starbucks.  california betches only drink coffee bean.

    Posted on Reply
  9. K says:

    youre only a true starbucks betch if youre a gold member, fucking duh

    Posted on Reply
  10. topbetch says:

    literally all we drink is SF hazelnut iced coffees with soy. spot on betches

    Posted on Reply
  11. splendabetch says:

    starbucks needs sugar-free plain sweetener like coffee bean does. i want my iced tea sweetened but without getting obese and splenda doesn’t always dissolve nicely.

    Posted on Reply
  12. Help says:

    you betches are in desperate need of a copy editor

    Posted on Reply
  13. Wrong says:

    starbucks is gross and much cheaper then any deli/bagel boss… only new york girls know this

    Posted on Reply
  14. Drunk Bitch says:

    Chicago Starbucks have wine!

    Posted on Reply
  15. Bucks Betch says:

    nice post. when all others need their “dunks”, I know they are not a true betch. only fake betches can sit there say her pumpkin donut isn’t going straight to her ass. sticking to my blonde roast

    Posted on Reply
  16. Haley says:

    Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes.

    Posted on Reply
  17. Dirty Money says:

    The money you pay for a shitty Starbucks coffee goes straight to the Israeli government so that they can supply weapons to attack the crap out of Palestinian civilians. I’ll pass.

    Posted on Reply
  18. Sbux is for fat people says:

    Starbucks is embarrassing. Wouldn’t be caught dead walking down the street holding one of their cups.

    Posted on Reply
  19. jess says:

    this article is my life. starts in middle school ends with an addiction

    Posted on Reply
  20. BellaMarie424 says:

    Starbucks black iced coffees every day. Those who “run on Dunkin” should try running on a treadmill

    Posted on Reply
  21. duh says:

    These comments suck. Who cares where you get your coffee from and where their money goes as long as its cal free and kick starting your addi. Jesus people are A) trying WAY to hard here or B) fucking dumb as shit. Venti red eye sugar free hazelnut and I mean now. Done

    Posted on Reply
  22. duh says:

    These comments suck. A) who the fuck cares how much your coffee costs as long as it kick starts your morning addi pop and B) who the fuck cares where your COFFEE’S money goes it’s COFFEE. Apparently these comments are trying way too hard/ fat/ or retarded. Venti red eye with sugar-free hazelnut twice a day everyday for 8 years. Bite me

    Posted on Reply
    • itsfuckingduh says:

      you look so lamzies writing two comments nearly identical to eachother, both equally not hilar.

      Posted on Reply
  23. annon says:

    Le Pain Quotidien

    Posted on Reply
  24. n1234 says:

    I beg to differ; Starbucks bathrooms in NY (not the one in the Westchester mall, or whatever) are absolutely vile.

    Posted on Reply
  25. queenbetch says:

    coffee bean and tea leaf.  fucking duh

    Posted on Reply
  26. thebetch says:

    an americano sooo tastes like a turd dipped in a third world river. don’t all good overpriced calorie filled betch drinks taste like that?

    Posted on Reply
  27. hkatmeow says:

    it’s called fucking Starbs not Sbux.

    Posted on Reply
Post your comment: