It’s been a while (hate that song) since I did a sports recap, and I’ll keep them infrequent since some of you don’t give a shit. But a lot of you do, so I won’t leave you hanging, and since so many of you bitched about the lack of college ball in the last one I nutted up and included some. I hate college football because I didn’t go to a big football school and there are like 849 games on every weekend, but I picked out the important ones.
Here’s what’s happening this week that the bros in your life will be talking about:
Ohio State vs. Penn State: “The” Ohio State Buckeyes take on the Penn State
Apologists Nittany Lions in what’s actually a pretty important Big 10 matchup. Important if you’re dumb enough to have to attend a Big 10 school (minus Michigan and Northwestern) and/or have money riding on it, at least. Both teams are undefeated in the conference, so whoever wins walks away with some serious bragging rights. Just kidding, any team that plays Penn State wins bragging rights by virtue of never having employed Jerry Sandusky. Still, Penn is looking good this year at 5-2 and working to establish a new legacy apart from the Paterno years. Ohio might be without their starting QB, and Penn State have the best rushing defense in the conference. Will either be a really exciting game, or a shitty one.
Notre Dame vs. Oklahoma: The Fighting Irish and the Sooners (whatever the fuck that is) compete to see who can grow the most corn. Notre Dame is notable because they’re one of those schools who always gets a lot of football attention despite not having been good for like 30 years. This year, however, they’re not only good, but ranked 5th. Oklahoma’s lost a game, but is still considered one of the more dominant teams in the country. The Notre Dame’s success comes mostly off the back of their strong defense (meaning their games are boring), while Oklahoma puts up points the way I put up with girls - too frequently and without compassion.
Georgia vs. Florida: In the only matchup completely devoid of stupid fucking team names, the Bulldogs head to Jacksonville to throw down against the Gators in continuing their long-standing SEC East rivalry. Florida is the better team this year, undefeated and coming off a win against a very good South Carolina team that beat Georgia three weeks ago. But because ESPN thinks all sports fans love to talk shit, we’ll call it a rivalry anyway. Note - this is probably the only time you’ll see 50,000 people from Florida and Georgia cheering (favorably) for a group of black guys. Unless there’s a Darius Rucker concert, and I bet most of them don’t even know he’s black.
Detroit vs. San Francisco, Game 2: It’s World Series time, otherwise referred to as the “Fall Classic” by people over 50. The only way this series could be less interesting is if the SF Giants hadn’t managed to pull it out against the St. Louis Cardinals in game 7 of the NLCS. A Detroit-St. Louis series sounds like something you’d slit your wrists to, but thankfully that didn’t happen. The Tigers have the best pitcher (Justin Verlander) and hitter (Miguel Cabrera) in baseball, but that didn’t stop the Giants from destroying them (8-3) in game 1. Though to be fair, Verlander is rumored to be dating Kate Upton, and if I was worrying about how saggy her tits would be by the time she’s 25, I probably wouldn’t pitch very well either.
Carolina Pathers vs. Chicago Bears: Bla bla bla, you don’t care about the NFL, but consider this - Jay Cutler (the QB for my beloved Chicago Bears) and his fiancee Kristin Cavallari are like bro and betch royalty. Jay went to Vanderbilt, likes to party (despite having diabetes), and is generally an asshole who doesn’t give a fuck. Kristin is pretty and adept at not doing work, plus with Jay she’s found herself squarely in the lucky sperm club.
And how about this for a betchy love story? Jay and Kristin were engaged, and everything was in place. Hell, she was even doing wedding photoshoots for magazines and shit. Then two weeks before the wedding Jay, realizing he was a pro, said “fuck it” and called it off. Sucks for KCav, right? Not so fast. Fast forward a few months and Jay (I assume) gets a text that says “Hey Im preggers, LOL”. They worked some shit out, got the engagement back on, and had a baby boy named Camden. Camden. If that’s not a bro name, I don’t know what is.
And you thought romance was dead. Anyway, the Bears play the Panthers this weekend. The Panthers are awful this year; the Bears are not.
[Note from the Betches: We have no idea what any of this means]