This week on Sexts and Subtext: Beastiality and Br*s in Paris
Dear Head Pro,
Okay so last summer I met this guy at a party at home through a mutual friend. He was totally hot. Six months later, he got my info and started chatting/texting me. Then he studied abroad for an entire semester but we ended up texting/talking/Skyping every day while he was in another country, which is totally weird but obviously we got real close. Then I came home for the summer, and so did he, so the first time we hung out, one thing led to another, and there was only so much restraint I could have with this hot piece of ass lying in my bed so I did what any betch would, and fucked him. Switching to doggy style, however, we both accidentally made eye contact with my creepy ass toddler-like dog and I wigged out because she was making direct eye-contact with both of us 2 feet away and he lost his boner, stayed a while, then went home.
This is the conversation we had the next day and he texts me for the most part but ever since that incident two weeks ago, our conversations have gotten shorter and less frequent and I just feel like the whole scenario is awkward now. He hasn't asked me to hang out again either. The whole situation is weird too because technically it wasn't really a one-night stand, since we'd been talking for so long, but it feels like one at the same time. I haven't contacted him in the past week though because I don't want to bother with someone who may not be interested. What are your thoughts?
Xo, Throw Me a Friggin' Bone
Dear Throw Me a Friggin’ Bone,
HAHAHAHAHA! My thoughts are 1) that this is fucking hilarious, and 2) I might as well throw you a bone, because it doesn’t sound like this guy is going to any time soon. Before I explain though, what the fuck were you doing trying to get laid with your dog in the room? I guess if you’re in a studio apartment or something there’s only so much you can do, but come on. Even though guys don’t have as much trouble staying “in the zone” as girls do while laying the pipe, there are still plenty of things that can distract us, and performing in front of a fucking petting zoo is definitely one of them.
Yes, this is technically not a one-night stand the same way women’s basketball is technically a sport, but I don’t think that has much to do with it. For whatever reason, it just didn’t click for him when you guys hung out IRL. Anyone who’s tried online dating can tell you that when the bulk of your communication is online, shit gets weird in person. All of your communication is heartfelt and brilliant, because you can take as long as you need to find the right words when composing a text or email. Skype is better, but there’s no eye contact (people look at the person on their screen, not at the camera). It’s easy for plans, ideas, and fantasies to build up in your mind, because your relationship with the other person is so far removed from real life.
This went on for the better part of a year, which is plenty of time for both of you to build up unrealistic expectations. The reason I don’t think this was a classic bro “tag and release” situation is obvious: He was fucking nice to you in those texts. When a guy just bangs some trash he picked up outside of a bar, he wouldn’t even bother responding let alone responding nicely. This guy wanted sparks to fly, and when they didn’t he was more sensitive to letting you down easy because he had something invested in it too. Shockingly, not every weird online sex thing ends with a fairy tale wedding.
Invest in a dog kennel,
Dear Pro, My casual hook up is in Vegas and he's texting me about going to Paris? What. The. Fuck. He always talks about what a great boyfriend he is; I suddenly develop a hearing problem. I need to run far, far away right?
Kisses, Afraid of Paris
Dear Afraid of Paris,
Come on, give me a fucking break. Contrary to popular belief, alcohol is not some kind of miraculous truth serum. At best, it brings out or amplifies thoughts or feelings that you’re having in that moment and shuts down the part of your brain that tells you that probably shouldn’t say them. So in the moment, while shitfaced in Vegas with his friends, your bang buddy wanted to go to Paris with you. Wow, what a horrifying sentiment. As a side note, bro points to this guy for a) trying to get you to foot the bill not just for a trip, but for the entire fucking city and b) managing to use an emoticon in a way that says “I’m not gay, just drunk as shit.”
Something to keep in mind about “casual hookups”: The two of you didn’t start taking trips to the boneyard because someone had a gun to your head. The relationship started because you found each other attractive and affable, and it continues because you have a good time together. It makes sense for more complex feelings to develop, because if they don’t that makes you a fucking psychopath. A relationship based on good sex and convenience works for a couple of weeks at best, so if you’ve been hooking up with a guy for a month or more one or both of you need to stop bullshitting yourselves. You can call it casual if it helps you cry yourself to sleep at night, but if you’ve been hooking up for a while and you’re texting each other while one of you is on vacation, you’re fucking dating. Chill out, it doesn’t have to be as bad as it sounds.
When you're texting with guys (or your frenemies), do you ever rack your brain over the difference between "hey" and "what's up"? Is he trying to play it cool, or is he just not that into me? Does using emoticons make him gay (hint: yes)? Head Pro is here to help.
Take a screenshot of your text convo and send it with your burning questions to email@example.com
Please include a little context, and get ready for some sextual healing.
PS. If your phone's too fucking old to take screenshots, you need more help than we can provide.
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