For the inaugural issue of “Sexts and Subtext”, we hear from a bona fide Casanovawitz and a desperate gypsy jewelry salesman.
Help me, help myself. I am a 20-something year old who just got out of long relationship with a ridiculously nice guy who was just... too nice. So naturally I stumble upon this guy: co-worker, 5'7", Jewish and "cinnamon, not a ginger, because he's... like, way better looking than 'real' gingers." We've gotten together twice outside of work, and by gotten together, I mean we drank wine and he shared his life story, including long-winded anecdotes about every (very short-lived) relationship he's ever had. The nights concluded with some making out and awkwardly groping each other. Considering I had just broken things off with my boyfriend, I had no intention of sleeping with this individual. Out of the blue, as in 4:40ish in the afternoon, he texts me and asks me if I wanted to have sex, and I responded that no, I don't really sleep with random people. In response, he sends me this, followed by texts in the days to come in the wee hours of morning asking me to come over to fuck, despite the fact that I told him we should just be friends. What is his deal? Have I not made it clear that I'm girlfriend material, not some call girl? I've been avoiding him at work, but I can't hide in my cubicle forever.
Dear first Sexts and Subtext girl,
Wait, so you found a guy who’s short, Jewish, a ginger, and his idea of romance is drunkenly rehashing past relationships? Well, color me sexy! I bet his milkshake brings all the shiksas to the yard. How you’ve managed to keep from throwing yourself at him is a mystery worthy of a fucking Sherlock Holmes sequel.
What you’re dealing with is a guy who’s probably smart but has zero clue how to deal with women (or “game”, if you’re a time traveler reading this in 2004). For a whole litany of reasons, girls have probably always been nice to him, so he equates kindness with attraction because of the few brief times girls have caved in and dated him. In his mind he’s thinking “She likes me enough to make out with me, so even if we’re just friends we can be friends who fuck, right?” His lack of emotional intelligence means he doesn’t realize that outright asking for a fuck buddy is the worst way to go about getting one. Lots of girls have zero problem with a casual relationship, but no one wants to be told to their face that they have no long-term potential.
So no, you have not made it clear that you’re girlfriend material, and why are you so fucking desperate that you want your shrimpy, ginger coworker to see you as such? The lowest level of delusional dating is to want a guy who’s told you to your face that he doesn’t want to date you. Also, quit with the “kk” bullshit. All that does is say that you want him to keep texting you. Why would you answer his 'sounds good'...clearly it sounds NOT good. Tell him, in person and firmly, that for the sake of your professional relationship you have no interest in pursuing anything romantic or physical. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Do not date coworkers, or you’ll end up hiding in your cube like this girl.
Kisses, Head Pro
So I dated this SAB for a month last year and ended it after realizing what a douche he is. It's been over a year, and now he's sending me drunken texts even though I've moved across the US... I'm obvi still a bit irritated but nothing good can possibly come out of responding or putting up with his shit. He's a lost cause, but what is his deal? Aside from being pathetic AF.
Signed, Obvi (not) over it
Dear Obvi (not) Over It,
Wow, this is some really sad shit, and also on the creepy side. When he says he wants to use your “nice little hands” (*shudder*) for a photo shoot, I don’t get the sense that he needs them to be attached to the rest of your body. And I’m sorry, but what kind of guy fucking sells Jewelry?
Captain Stella & Dot up there, besides being a huge pussy, is having a major existential crisis. Someone or something burned him, so now he’s reaching back into his spank bank to try to regain some sense of control. If he’s as douchey as you say (aka a sweet bro), maybe he had you under his thumb for a while until you betched up and got the fuck out. He’s hoping that by texting you, you’ll respond in a way that makes him feel like he’s got a girl jocking his nuts again. You’ve done a great job not giving him the attention or satisfaction, so he’s freaking out because he doesn’t have control over something he figured would be a sure thing.
Again, great job playing it cool and winning by ignoring him. Keep it up, and if he won’t relent you can always have his number blocked.
Oh, but -5 points for having a Sprint iPhone. Come on sweetheart, you’re better than that.
Kisses, Head Pro
When you're texting with guys (or your frenemies), do you ever rack your brain over the difference between "hey" and "what's up"? Is he trying to play it cool, or is he just not that into me? Does using emoticons make him gay (hint: yes)? Head Pro is here to help.
Take a screenshot of your text convo and send it with your burning questions to firstname.lastname@example.org
Please include a little context, and get ready for some sextual healing.
PS. If your phone's too fucking old to take screenshots, you need more help than we can provide.
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