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By The Betches on

For the inaugural issue of “Sexts and Subtext”, we hear from a bona fide Casanovawitz and a desperate gypsy jewelry salesman.

Help me, help myself. I am a 20-something year old who just got out of long relationship with a ridiculously nice guy who was just... too nice. So naturally I stumble upon this guy: co-worker, 5'7", Jewish and "cinnamon, not a ginger, because he's... like, way better looking than 'real' gingers." We've gotten together twice outside of work, and by gotten together, I mean we drank wine and he shared his life story, including long-winded anecdotes about every (very short-lived) relationship he's ever had. The nights concluded with some making out and awkwardly groping each other. Considering I had just broken things off with my boyfriend, I had no intention of sleeping with this individual. Out of the blue, as in 4:40ish in the afternoon, he texts me and asks me if I wanted to have sex, and I responded that no, I don't really sleep with random people. In response, he sends me this, followed by texts in the days to come in the wee hours of morning asking me to come over to fuck, despite the fact that I told him we should just be friends. What is his deal? Have I not made it clear that I'm girlfriend material, not some call girl? I've been avoiding him at work, but I can't hide in my cubicle forever.

sexts and subtext

Dear first Sexts and Subtext girl,

Wait, so you found a guy who’s short, Jewish, a ginger, and his idea of romance is drunkenly rehashing past relationships? Well, color me sexy! I bet his milkshake brings all the shiksas to the yard. How you’ve managed to keep from throwing yourself at him is a mystery worthy of a fucking Sherlock Holmes sequel.

What you’re dealing with is a guy who’s probably smart but has zero clue how to deal with women (or “game”, if you’re a time traveler reading this in 2004). For a whole litany of reasons, girls have probably always been nice to him, so he equates kindness with attraction because of the few brief times girls have caved in and dated him. In his mind he’s thinking “She likes me enough to make out with me, so even if we’re just friends we can be friends who fuck, right?” His lack of emotional intelligence means he doesn’t realize that outright asking for a fuck buddy is the worst way to go about getting one. Lots of girls have zero problem with a casual relationship, but no one wants to be told to their face that they have no long-term potential.

So no, you have not made it clear that you’re girlfriend material, and why are you so fucking desperate that you want your shrimpy, ginger coworker to see you as such? The lowest level of delusional dating is to want a guy who’s told you to your face that he doesn’t want to date you. Also, quit with the “kk” bullshit. All that does is say that you want him to keep texting you. Why would you answer his 'sounds good'...clearly it sounds NOT good.  Tell him, in person and firmly, that for the sake of your professional relationship you have no interest in pursuing anything romantic or physical. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Do not date coworkers, or you’ll end up hiding in your cube like this girl.

Kisses, Head Pro

So I dated this SAB for a month last year and ended it after realizing what a douche he is. It's been over a year, and now he's sending me drunken texts even though I've moved across the US... I'm obvi still a bit irritated but nothing good can possibly come out of responding or putting up with his shit. He's a lost cause, but what is his deal? Aside from being pathetic AF.

Signed, Obvi (not) over it

sexts and subtext

Dear Obvi (not) Over It,

Wow, this is some really sad shit, and also on the creepy side. When he says he wants to use your “nice little hands” (*shudder*) for a photo shoot, I don’t get the sense that he needs them to be attached to the rest of your body. And I’m sorry, but what kind of guy fucking sells Jewelry?

Captain Stella & Dot up there, besides being a huge pussy, is having a major existential crisis. Someone or something burned him, so now he’s reaching back into his spank bank to try to regain some sense of control. If he’s as douchey as you say (aka a sweet bro), maybe he had you under his thumb for a while until you betched up and got the fuck out. He’s hoping that by texting you, you’ll respond in a way that makes him feel like he’s got a girl jocking his nuts again. You’ve done a great job not giving him the attention or satisfaction, so he’s freaking out because he doesn’t have control over something he figured would be a sure thing.

Again, great job playing it cool and winning by ignoring him. Keep it up, and if he won’t relent you can always have his number blocked.

Oh, but -5 points for having a Sprint iPhone. Come on sweetheart, you’re better than that.

Kisses, Head Pro

When you're texting with guys (or your frenemies), do you ever rack your brain over the difference between "hey" and "what's up"? Is he trying to play it cool, or is he just not that into me? Does using emoticons make him gay (hint: yes)? Head Pro is here to help.

Take a screenshot of your text convo and send it with your burning questions to . He'll interpret the s(ext) conversation, tell you what he thinks is REALLY going on, and out you for probably sounding desperate and clingy.

Please include a little context, and get ready for some sextual healing.

PS. If your phone's too fucking old to take screenshots, you need more help than we can provide.

Don't forget to follow @BetchesHeadPro on Twitter!


27 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. J says:

    Because Sprint is for poor people.

    Posted on Reply
  2. C says:

    Totally!!! haha

    Posted on Reply
  3. ATLWASHDCbetch says:

    Dude I totally know the first guy, my only question to the first girl that wrote the top comment is if the guy in question went to the University of Georgia, if so, I completely know him. &...girls aren’t nice to him, unless they’re ugly nice girls.

    Posted on Reply
  4. le says:

    Captain Stella & Dot up there, BESIDES BEING A HUGE PUSSY, is having a major existential crisis.

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    This is perfectttt. Was the second guys name aaron?  Sounds exactlyyyy like my loser ez! Haha

    Posted on Reply
  6. L says:

    Weird how all the screen shots are 72%..... Trueeee

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    yeah that’s weird but one is att and the other is sprint so i doubt they’re fake…also I doubt the betches have/ know anyone who has sprint.

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonymous says:

    Hahahahahahaha sprint

    Posted on Reply
    • AT&T says:

      this comment made me laugh harder than the post

      Posted on Reply
  9. Carmen San Diego says:

    Can this be a daily / bi weekly column? It’s hysterical and totally applicable to my every day life.

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    Betch 1, I hope you’re joking.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    you guys are retarded. obvi the screenshots were taken at the same time, she took them of the convo she wanted to send in after she had it (at 3:51)... fucking duh.

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    Omg this is prime. I think that there should be a sext and subtext: GBFF edition. Obvi the gay betch intern could do it. Talk about fab and fucking hilarious… especially late night sexts from MGBs.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    This is so awesome…I need to start taking screenshots of texts from winner ex’s, I said I need to write a book but this is even better. I don’t have the patience to write.

    Posted on Reply
  14. Courtney K says:

    It’s really obvious that “Head pro” is not actually a guy.

    Posted on Reply
  15. Neil Strauss says:

    2004?  admit it head pro, you read The Game.

    Posted on Reply
  16. mecat says:

    ...head pro why do you know about some shitty jewlery brand lame nice girls sell in their $200/mo apartments

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anonymous says:

    .. obviously this is a fucking girl, not a “head-pro”. any guy who writes in such a way is not somebody I would take advice from. you sound like a whining ranting pmsing bitch.

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    what’s wrong with having sprint? nothing.  it actually provides better reception than at&t

    Posted on Reply
  19. Liz says:

    you are homeless.

    Posted on Reply
  20. Anonymous says:

    I always delete texts from douche bags so i dont have to be reminded of them, now i wish i had kept them

    Posted on Reply
  21. Anonymous says:

    Unless you live in Malibu… duh.

    Posted on Reply
  22. Anonymous says:

    LOL I had to google Stella and Dot never heard of that

    Posted on Reply
  23. Anonymous says:

    Nope, does not go to UGA.

    Posted on Reply
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