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By The Head Pro on

Dear Head Pro,

So I met this really great guy about two weeks before going home for Winter Break.  We're both sophomores in college and we're both involved in Greek life, aka we'd be the perfect couple.  We made out at a party but then he actually took me out on a couple of dates.  And by dates I mean he paid for my dinner both times and kissed me goodnight outside of my sorority house.  He mentioned how our timing was pretty awful considering we would be on opposite sides of the country for the whole month of break, but he made it clear he wanted this to go somewhere.

We have texted and snap chatted every single day of break and he has said some very cute, flirty things hinting that he has actual feelings for me.  Our text convos are funny and go on for hours and we never get sick of each other or run out of things to say.  Sounds perfect, right?

Well, we both go back to school in a few days and my only concern is that it might be weird seeing each other again. I mean, most of our pseudo-relationship has happened by text and without us physically seeing one another. We did get in those few dates before break, but I don't know how to get it back to that without things feeling awkward because so much of our "getting to know you" stage happened over text, not in person.  What can/should I do to help transition this thing into a real relationship? I know that we both want a relationship and he's told me that he likes me, so where do I go from here?

Sincerely,
True Love or Textual Chemistry

Dear True Love or Textual Chemistry,

Ah, the burgeoning pre-break romance. Nothing brings back fond college memories like the image of kissing girls in front of their sorority houses. Your fears, while a little overblown, are real. There’s nothing worse than talking to someone so much over text or chat that you don’t have anything left to talk about when you see each other in real life. Talk about awkward. Nothing fans the flames of romance quite like sitting in a dorm room and staring at each other for three hours.

In general, you need to chill out. He liked you then, he likes texting with you, and unless you got fat or something he’ll like you when he sees you again. While most of your bonding has happened through communication (which is great for girls), you’re still lacking in terms of shared experiences (which is how guys form bonds). If he’s still into you, chances are he’ll be eager to get together and go out and do things. Presumably you’re down for that too, but let him take the lead. If he gets in touch, don’t automatically jump on his first invitation. Instead, decline and suggest an alternate time so he doesn’t get the impression that you’ve been sitting in your room with your vibrator in one hand and your phone in the other since school reconvened. It’s a big turn on for guys when a girl who’s otherwise busy makes time to do something with us.

If he’s floundering for ideas, don’t be afraid to offer up some of your own if you have activities you’d like to do. Most importantly, just relax. You two are essentially starting from scratch, so focus more on what’s new and not on tired jokes from your text romance.

I thought SnapChat was just for sending nudie pics,

Head Pro


 

Dear Head Pro,

So I did something incredibly stupid. Wanting to try something new, I picked up a guy on Instagram. The power of a hashtag. Seriously. After a few months of some rando liking all my pics, I discovered he's actually attractive. A date and a few chill seshs later, we're fucking. And like the betch I am, I went over to his place for a quickie before an end of the world party. When this quickie turned into an hour long sexcapade, I got off and told him I was going out to celebrate the apocalypse. Totes betch move, whatever. And then I got this text. Ok, not to be rude, but any time someone starts a statement with that, it's gonna be fucking rude. He still continues to text me and even asked me on another date. Needless to say, I will never see him again. What is this guy's deal? Please put this idiot on blast.

Thanks,
#FuckingHashtags

P.S. Why does he watch Bravo?

 
Dear #FuckingHashtags,

Wow, and people gave me shit for suggesting that match.com wasn’t the lamest way to get dates. As usual, I was right. This. This is the lamest fucking way I’ve ever heard of someone getting a date. While I’m a little jealous you managed to convert your online following into sex and while I’ve yet to figure that out, this story is almost too ridiculous to be true. And PS, what’s wrong with Bravo? Are you telling me you’re too good for a little “Top Chef”? I live for that shit. You know what I watched last night? QV fucking C, and guess what? My kitchen’s going to be fucking state of the art when all the shit I ordered gets here. Take your TV snobbery elsewhere, because it won't fly here. I’m sure there’s some really cool indie flick on IFC you could be watching instead of fucking guys you met on instagram.

I have a hard time believing he’s calling for no more sex just because you left before he hit his crescendo. Like, as a fully licensed penis owner, I know how to operate it solo just as well as I do with a woman’s assistance. Instead, I’m betting it had more to do with the fact that you cancelled an intimate salami hiding sesh to attend an “end of the world party” which, by the way, omg kill yourself. Was it at least an orgy? While I doubt he was under the impression that your coitus was the physical manifestation of two loving souls becoming one, having your partner leave in the middle of sex for a party is pretty hard on the ego. In this case, his feelings are bluer than his balls are, which is why he brushed you off.

He texted you the nonsense about flipping houses because he wanted to end things without sounding like a dick or completely pushing you away. You, instead of apologizing or at least demanding clarification, demonstrated the emotional IQ of a pipe wrench and blamed his anger on his dick. Classic. If your plans were so important (which it turns out they weren’t since, hi, we’re still here), why did you agree to stop in for sex to begin with? Your sex partner doesn’t have to be the most important person in your life by any means, but it’s nice to at least pretend they are while they're inside you.

I’d drink beers and flip houses with that guy,

Head Pro

17 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. mel says:

    “I’d drink beer and flip houses with that guy” LOVE!  This was great!

    Posted on Reply
  2. Meg says:

    Wow, meeting a guy through instagram may be more pathetic than twitter hook ups…and then she was a bitch about it, umm did she really expect it to be great!?

    Posted on Reply
  3. Lizzy says:

    So proud of head pros second response. I’m glad someone told this betch how to show respect to who she’s fucking. The guy was clearly breaking the ice by saying that & continued to compliment her because he’s a somewhat decent dude.

    Posted on Reply
  4. MB says:

    i fucking hate people who use ‘twas in sentences, we arent in the time of god damn shakespeare

    Posted on Reply
    • grammar betch says:

      isn’t “it ‘twas” redundant anyways??

      Posted on Reply
  5. BW says:

    The second guy is actually kind of hilarious.

    Posted on Reply
  6. JB says:

    I read everything head pro writes in Ryan Gosling’s voice and it makes it even more perf than it already is.

    Posted on Reply
  7. Your Name says:

    Head pro, you are the best part of this site. My husband and I read your articles religiously and die every time. Thanks for the no-bullshit-common-sense hilarity every few days, keep up the good work!

    Posted on Reply
  8. nick says:

    i haven’t laughed this hard in a really long time.. but honestly who leaves during the middle of sex? Was the sex that intolerable that you couldn’t wait for him to finish? or was this done because maybe you didn’t reach your peak?

    Posted on Reply
  9. lbourgo says:

    OHHMYYGOOODD i dieeeeeeeeed in part two. #hashtag #beerfliphouseguy #yesplease

    Posted on Reply
  10. vic says:

    girl #1 sounds like a dumb fucking cunt and I would enjoy making her cry

    Posted on Reply
  11. um says:

    The 2nd girl is def not a betch, just a bitch. Get over yourself and stop trying so hard to prove how cool you are to yourself and others.

    Posted on Reply
  12. Your Name says:

    ““end of the world party” which, by the way, omg kill yourself. ” hahahahaha

    Posted on Reply
  13. basically says:

    girl number 1 is annoying as fuck. girl number 2 i can sadly relate to.  moral of the story is instarelationships get instafucked in about 2 seconds.

    Posted on Reply
  14. PINKBetch says:

    “which it turns out they weren’t since, hi, we’re still here”
    Gold.

    anyways when you hit rock bottom and you’re fucking guys you meet on instagram, it’s time to face the fact that you’ve lost the right to bitch-dom

    Posted on Reply
  15. Nice girl says:

    Head Pro loves Bravo and QVC? My heart is melting…

    Posted on Reply
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