Tracker Pixel for Entry
By The Betches on

Dear Head Pro, I've never been good at deciphering any kind of coded message. Those newspaper word scrambles? I'm helpless. I need a Head Pro to give me guidance on this one.

Four months ago my now ex-boyfriend and I ended our three year relationship. Four days after the initial break-up, I get a letter saying that we aren't meant to be right now and that if 'it's meant to be', it will be in the future. Since then, I've received multiple texts every month and a half or so basically saying the same thing. It's the whole, 'thinking about you'. 'hope you're doing okay', 'hope everything is well' crap. Throughout the first few months I just ignored them, choosing to give him the ice-treatment. Then after the third message, I gave a half-ass response. After the most recent one, I finally responded with what you see on my phone screen. But after his response, I was left utterly helpless. Should I have responded with a flirty, 'Well, 'such-and-such' is a big place. You might have to do a little more than hope to run into me wink'? Or should I have taken the friendly, flavorless route and just say, 'Thanks! You too.'

So, what is this? An attempt to start things up again or friendly, just-checking-up-on-you banter?

Help me crack this ridiculous code, Broken at Code Breaking

sexts and subtext

Dear Broken at Code Breaking,

What the fuck is this a picture of? Is this like a screenshot from a phone in a cartoon or something? I’m not sure how to react to this. Wait, is this one of those “Android” phones I hear the IT nerds prattling on about at work? I didn’t think they still sold these in first-world countries. The only “open source” thing I want to see in a girl’s bag is drugs.

Regarding what’s going on with the texts, I guess it all depends on what you want. It sounds like he broke up with you, and since you spent three years together I’m guessing that even four months later you’re probably looking to get some kind of return on that investment. I’d advise against it. If something breaks down after three years, it’s probably dunzo. Statistically, women are more likely to end the relationship than men, so if it was him dumping you after three years I’m confident he was pretty fucking over it.

Because guys hate seeing girls cry or be sad, bros will do like your ex has been doing, sending messages wishing you well and seeing how you’re doing. Mind you, we give way fewer fucks than it seems. It just makes us feel less guilty about dumping you and making you cry. Does that mean he doesn’t want to hook up? Not necessarily. Banging an ex is like slipping on an old pair of jeans in that it’s easy, comfortable, and something you only do when you’re out of other options. It sounds like he’s just assuaging his guilt and trolling a line out to see how game you’d be.

So, if you want to feel horrible about yourself and cry a bunch when you realize that he still doesn’t want to be your boyfriend, by all means flirt. Otherwise, keep strong and carry on.

Love actually,

Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

Ex...boyfriend? Fuckbuddy? This betch is seriously lost. And 6 years later, he finds me on Facebook and starts sexting me up. Says I wasn't his "because he didn't put a flag on it" or some bullshit... but texts me how much he knows I still am into him. I ended the "relationship" so long ago because of this why is he coming back for more..and what for?

Sincerely, Over Fucking with Fuck Buddies.

sexts and subtext

Dear Over Fucking with Fuck Buddies,

Honestly, I don’t know what the fuck this guy is talking about. Is he drunk? What does he mean by “stuck a flag in it”? Were you fucking Buzz Aldrin or something? If so, congrats. Most girls only dream of nailing an astronaut. From what I can gather out of what you provided, I think what you’re looking at is the unfortunate side-effect of making technology available to stupid people. He seems like the kind of guy who says “swag” a lot, wears flat-brimmed hats with the stickers still on them, and has a chinstrap beard. That last sentence goes against every single thing a bro stands for.

I’m wondering what possessed you to even respond to him in the first place. This ended six years ago and you weren’t facebook friends until recently? I mean, how the fuck did you even remember his name? You get sexytime texts from what started as a random number, and now you’re asking him “Yes but was I yours?” What kind of fucked up dysfunctional thing did you guys have? I guess you could just be trying to screw with him, but I doubt it. Bottom line – don’t pretend to get annoyed with someone’s advances and then turn around and encourage them.

Love and lots of drugs,

Head Pro

Last week's Sexts and Subtext>>

When you're texting with guys (or your frenemies), do you ever rack your brain over the difference between "hey" and "what's up"? Is he trying to play it cool, or is he just not that into me? Does using emoticons make him gay (hint: yes)? Head Pro is here to help.

Take a screenshot of your text convo and send it with your burning questions to . He'll interpret the s(ext) conversation, tell you what he thinks is REALLY going on, and out you for probably sounding desperate and clingy.

Please include a little context, and get ready for some sextual healing.

PS. If your phone's too fucking old to take screenshots, you need more help than we can provide.

Don't forget to follow @BetchesHeadPro on Twitter!


17 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. confused betch says:

    what kind of bro gives a shit about the type of phone someone has. guys genuinely don’t care about that.. definitely a gay intern or a betch wrote this

    Posted on Reply
  2. Cara U says:

    Comes in the form of THIS sentence, “Don’t pretend to get annoyed with someone’s advances and then turn around and encourage them.”

    Lovin the Head Pro.

    Posted on Reply
  3. Anonymous says:

    Couldn’t agree more. Most of the bros I know have androids anyway. Something about the large and high def screen makes fapping in the car easier.

    Posted on Reply
  4. Anonymous says:

    Ew, you can tell just by her texts that bitty2 is a fugly slut! Whyyy would you even answer a guy who spoke to/about you like this?

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    Head pro sounds more like a gbff who tth ...just sayin

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    never trust a bro who uses smilies and pretends he isn’t gay

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    Ya…all the guys i know who use iphones are either gay or metro.  Most guys don’t give a shit, so even a windows phone will do.

    Posted on Reply
  8. tth says:

    aha what knd if guy csres if hos phone is ipuone or ajdroid. all i can think of is a merto or gay guy

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    wtf.  are you drunk?

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    Sounds like bro1 is a mgb..deff catch up and see if he’s rockin any accessory scarfs and deep v’‘s

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    if you can’t spell you shouldn’t write

    Posted on Reply
  12. Sass says:

    He’s setting the nice guy groundwork to break it to you later on that he’s actually playing for a different team

    Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    im guessing you dont have an iphone and hes writing for the site, duh.

    Posted on Reply
  14. Anonymous says:

    you clearly do not have an iphone

    Posted on Reply
  15. Betchy says:

    Second post is clearly a fake iMessage convo but nice try. Lawlz.

    Posted on Reply
  16. Yuck says:

    That second lump of texts made me feel violated. What the fuck? Did you really tell him that he ‘lost the best thing he never had?’ Seriously, you and chin-strap-flat-brim deserve each other.

    Posted on Reply
Post your comment: