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By The Betches on

Hey,

So this kid was at my house buying weed from my roommate (both boys) and I fell in love. We had never met but we know who each other are. I live with four other boys, two fifth years. They are all in the same fraternity (it's at Georgetown so it's a co-ed one). I didn't go to Georgetown, but I spent every weekend there and know all my friends friends. So I got his number and the following is what happened. Does he love me?

xoxo,

[Redacted in her best interest]

ps- you can keep the name, and the 6th image is a joke because my friend (who is my year but in the fraternity with him) invited him to brunch with us the next day
pps- i'm drunk for all of these, like day drinking white girl wasted

Dear [Redacted in her best interest],

Wow, what a prize you must be! A Georgetown townie (my favorite part of living in DC) who asks guys they hardly know for sex with the subtlety of a closeted gay senator in an airport bathroom. Tell me, does your bedroom door have a glory hole installed? You might want to look into that, just to cut out that pesky middle man known as “flirting”.  Look, it’s true that guys appreciate a girl they can bring around their buddies who won’t fuck up the mood by being too prissy or bitching about the available alcohol options. It’s also true that we appreciate it when girls (especially ones we don’t know that well) act like, I don’t know, girls. I’ve seen enough pornography in my lifetime to probably automatically qualify as a sex offender in some jurisdictions, and I still cringe when I see the euphemism for male ejaculate spelled “cum”. It’s just gross, and for a girl to use it it’s a really, really big fucking turnoff.

So does he “love you”? That’s a clown question, betch.  He hardly knows who you are (at least that’s how I interpreted “who the fuck is this?”) and you’re making it so obvious you want to fuck that people who don’t even speak English could see those texts and be offended. When you come on that strong and take away our ability to play the game, it’s off-putting and we don’t know what to do. Pump the brakes a little next time you want to bang one of your super-senior drug dealer roommate’s “customers”.

Also, I don’t even know what a “co-ed fraternity” is so I left that the fuck alone.

Keep it classy,

Head Pro

 


 

Dear Head Pro,

So I started “talking” to this guy a couple months ago. We went to a lot of each others’ date functions and call me a tease or whatever, but we never really went much past making out. Fast forward to Cinco de Drinko, where somehow after a few too many tequila shots I blacked out and apparently forgot to mention the minor detail that was my virginity to him before we had sex. I have no recollection of the night, but I guess he had an inkling and kindly reminded me of said event a week later. My heart dropped. I tried to play it cool, but I had always planned on losing my virginity to someone I was in love with in some sort of romantic setting; instead I lost it to a frat guy in a sombrero. I had a minor freak out (see attached paragraph) and attempted to set the record straight by letting this bro know that he should not be expecting sex the next time I came into town. I expected that this guy would’ve run away as fast as humanly possible, never to be heard from again. Instead, he’s been texting me every day. I do have feelings for this guy, and I’m pretty sure he likes me too. I would like to be on the relationship track when I get back into town in the fall, but I am obviously clueless in how to keep this guy interested now that I’ve already given the milk away for free. So my first question is, what’s the best way to let this dude know that he is the proud owner of my v card? Second is, how can I regain control and get on the relationship path?

Sincerely,
I’m Not That Innocent (Anymore)

 

Dear I’m Not That Innocent (Anymore),

Yeesh, sorry things turned out that way. I want to know though, was he just wearing the sombrero throughout the day, or during sex too? It’d be a lot cooler if he was. So, the bad news is you lost your v-card in a way that failed to meet your expectations. You know who else that happened to? Every fucking girl on the planet who’s had sex. Sure, sex is the best thing ever besides Chick Fil A sandwiches and boat shoes, but it’s often less a romantic, magical act and more an athletic endeavor involving bodily fluids and cramped muscles. So yes, you’re bummed you don’t remember your first time. That’s understandable, but in reality you might be better off because it probably wasn’t pretty, and wouldn’t be regardless of the circumstances. The good news? No one fucking cares. Sex doesn’t have to be for the first time for it to be good, and in fact the more you do it the better it gets. If it sucks, you can always try again or find someone else.

Regarding your actual questions:

1) Wait as long as you can, preferably until you’re in a stable relationship with him. If that doesn’t happen, then he never fucking needs to know. Telling him now might freak him out, and the explanation you gave him was more than sufficient.

2) What I get from his texts is that a) he seems like a decent guy who does appear to like you and b) based on his last text, he doesn’t believe for a minute that he’s not taking you for a ride on the bonercycle when you come back. I don’t blame him for having the expectation, and I don’t blame you for having your reservations. I think you gave him a decent explanation and made your feelings pretty clear, so all you can do is see what happens.

I don’t think you need to worry about this being a hit and run. It doesn’t seem as though he “counts” the first time and may even feel a little bad about it since you were so shitfaced. See how he proceeds once you get back, and remember that you can’t get your virginity back. If you’re holding out, make sure it’s because of your gut feeling and not some moral stance you’re futilely trying to uphold. It’s like George W. said: If it feels good, have sex with him.

Tequila Kisses,

Head Pro

 

Last weeks Sexts and Subtext


When you're texting with guys (or your frenemies), do you ever rack your brain over the difference between "hey" and "what's up"? Is he trying to play it cool, or is he just not that into me? Does using emoticons make him gay (hint: yes)? Head Pro is here to help.

Take a screenshot of your text convo and send it with your burning questions to betcheslovethisbro@gmail.com . He'll interpret the s(ext) conversation, tell you what he thinks is REALLY going on, and out you for probably sounding desperate and clingy.

Please include a little context, and get ready for some sextual healing.

PS. If your phone's too fucking old to take screenshots, you need more help than we can provide.

Don't forget to follow @BetchesHeadPro on Twitter!

23 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Awk says:

    I think we can all agree that girl #1 is actually B-Rad from Malibu’s Most Wanted.

    Posted on Reply
  2. Uhmm says:

    Girl number two: you might want to consider the fact that he had sex with you when you were to blacked out to remember (hence, consent) some thought before you go wife-ing it up. That should set off some red flags right away.

    Posted on Reply
  3. Aah! says:

    Ok, first off, Girl #1 is disgusting. Who are you? Jess from New Girl?? Like, seriously, living with four boys is a total WGG skank alert.

    But Girl #2 I love you!!! I’m not even done reading but I’ve totes been there (awkward/confusing post-virginity-losing texts AND blacking out after multiple rounds of tequila shots). Although those two didn’t happen in the same night…

    Posted on Reply
  4. lol says:

    i feel thoroughly uncomfortable after reading the first one

    Posted on Reply
  5. umm says:

    why is no one commenting on the potential sexual assault imposed on girl #2… are you okay?!?!?!

    Posted on Reply
  6. What the FUCK says:

    Umm….pretty sure that text number 1 is some sort of a sick fucking joke. That was probably the least betchy things I’ve ever seen.

    Posted on Reply
  7. Kells says:

    Girl #1 is NOT a betch. Who the fuck spells it “cum” unless they are a complete fucking slut. Does he love me??? Betch, please. Get off this site and try plentyoffish where you fucking belong. Ps. Only desperate fatties live in a coed frat house with 4 boys. I can’t imagine how terrible that place smells. Talk about pathetic.

    Posted on Reply
  8. To: Girl #1 says:

    Hahahaha “but my roommate’s brother is here and I can’t bail on him” if he wanted you he would bail on his own brother, let alone his roommate’s! Good luck with life gurrrrrrrrl.

    Posted on Reply
  9. hmmm says:

    He may be going out of his way to make sure she remembers so she remembers to take her f*ing birth control. My guess is he didn’t use protection and is hoping she’s not preggers.

    Posted on Reply
  10. Britt says:

    Can’t give consent when you’re blacked out so text #2 is sexual assault. Honestly any guy who preys on girls that are that drunk is a fucking creep no matter how nice he is after

    Posted on Reply
  11. Chelsea says:

    Girl #1 - Considering how terrible her grammar is, and how half of that entry didn’t even make sense, I think it’s a safe bet to say she doesn’t go to Georgetown.
    Girl #2 - She clearly likes the guy. Take it from me, if you’ve already lost your virginity to this guy, then milk it for all its worth. Have sex with him all the time, because you aren’t getting your virginity back, and your number is staying the same.

    Posted on Reply
  12. michelle says:

    #1 not betchy at all seriously living with 4 guys? aghh
    and girl #2 im so proud you made yourself clear with that guy even if he believes its gonna happen again you have now the right to accept or not!

    Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    Any chick who says “gah” is an embarrassment and hardly a betch. Get a life and stop being so desperate #1. Oh, and #2 that’s borderline rape so I’d recommend keeping your distance instead of trying to read into his texts as if you’re actually interested in some dude who completely took advantage of you.

    Posted on Reply
  14. ummmmm... says:

    no yeaaa, pretty sure that’s rape girl #12
    ...seriously, you’re chasing a rapist. that’s NOT okay.

    Posted on Reply
  15. betch says:

    girl 1: no fucking way you go to georgetown… if you do im embarrassed to call you a fellow hoya

    girl 2: you were sexually assaulted… you need to value yourself enough to get help

    Posted on Reply
  16. Let's Be Honest says:

    The whole drunken consent thing gets pretty grey when you’re both drunk and you both want it (in the moment)

    Posted on Reply
    • Sis says:

      Thank you!! As a sister to a straight, non-megadouche college bro, it scares me to think that his life could be ruined if on any given night out, he got super drunk and slept with a girl when they’re both fucked up, only to then have her accuse him of rape when she regrets it in the morning.  I’ve done a million things I regret when I’m drunk but I’ve taken responsibility for 100% of them.  Yes.  There are creepers out there who do prey on and take advantage of drunk girls, but that’s not the rule.  I’m not defending the guys (and girls) out there who commit sexual assault aided by alcohol, but when you start willingly ripping shots of tequila you have to be aware that you might do something stupid.

      Posted on Reply
  17. emj says:

    The fact that girl #1 lives with 4 dudes is what makes you people uncomfortable about her?! Have you read her texts?? Is she 12?

    Posted on Reply
  18. notabetch? says:

    Re-reading the response to #2 in light of the recent Chik-fil-A scandal is… ironic.

    Posted on Reply
  19. L says:

    Betch let me tell you something: you were raped.

    Posted on Reply
  20. jusan says:

    Ew did #1 call him “biddy?”  Also she’s a total WGG.

    Posted on Reply
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