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By The Betches on

Raise your hand if you've ever been personally victimized by the White Haired Man.

The finale was so ridiculous that it actually made fun of itself. Firstly, the ep was called Reckoning, as in, I reckon youz fucking pregnant. Seriously though when Jack finds out Emanda is the real Amanda he's going to be like, then who's this whore I knocked up!? But couldn't Jack at least have told Emanda that Amanda was prego like, over the phone as to avoid that awkward confrontation. Once again, this information might have been helpful YESTERDAY.

And secondly, aside from Amanda's uterus occupancy and Emaniel's breakup and Charlotte's overdose and Victoria's "death", there was the major Connie vs. Vic showdown. Shit got crazier than Step Up 4 Bring It On: Revolution. Oh and the casual kidnapping of Nolan who could've avoided all this trouble if he'd just go to work like all the other CEOs, instead he chooses to just chill at his extremely OC-chic pool house. Bi-annual beatings by random hitmen are just some of the many perks!

Speaking of said hitmen, Emanda went straight up American Psycho on the WHM. What we mean is, the bitch knows her way around an axe. Try getting a reservation at Dorsia now, White Haired Man!

 

revenge reckoningThis is NOT how my usual tie-up sessions go.

 

Call Outs:

We know it's a little late in the season to be asking, but what exactly does Jack do all day? Like no one comes to the Stowaway, he just like juggles his fucking billiard balls, and maybe his own if he had them. Not only is he stupid enough to want to donate 1 million dollars, but he'd actually keep the check in the cash register in the most private place ever, a bar!

Victoria uses an actual Rolodex? That's inconvenient. Does she also churn her own butter?

Seriously Revenge, you're going to use the lines, My name is Amanda Clarke. You killed my father, prepare to die and As you wish, in the same five minute span? So what Director, you a big fan of The Princess Bride?

"I know something about Jack Porter...but it's not just about him it's also about Emily...but I'm not going to tell you what it is" ...Ashley always had a way with subtlety.

Dan and Ash definitely didn't hook up last night, but they totally will next season.

Daniel: Thanks for having my back Ashley: I always have Daniel: No seriously, can you please shave my back?

Why would Emanda ever dump Daniel for Jack!? I've found Sammy's collar. I'm going to bring it by. Then you can get out your strap on and we can fuck.

That fight scene with WHM was wild. Whatever Emanda paid for Miyagi's self defense training was worth every last Yen.

Also, why is it like the Grayson's 'thing' that when they want to get rid of someone they fuck with their jet? You know what, I've had it with these motherfucking terrorists on this motherfucking plane.

Okay Charlotte, like before you go and kill yourself after hearing your mom's dead on the news...wouldn't your immediate reaction be to like, double check?

LOL Moments:

CALL MY CELL OR I DIE. I mean...this reads like a midnight text from a drunk desperate girl. Perhaps the note should have read "Call my cell if you have a minute to chat, or use Skype if you don't want to use your minutes. I know you're off the family plan, my b. "

You know what I'm going to do this afternoon? Chloroform myself in the back of a van and see where my night goes.

Emanda: Amanda's back, and she's pregnant. Nolan: OH EM GEE.

 

revenge reckoningWe understand symbolism, but this was just retarded. How many pics did he have to sift through to find this one in black and white?

 

It's not my fault your new crush is a tramp! Really, where did Charlotte even get these pictures for Jamie Cardaci dot com? More importantly, why was a 15-year-old fucking an old teacher? I guess that's how they roll in Yonkers.

Charlotte: Has getting retribution ever made you feel bad about yourself? She must be listening to big sis' monologues on tape.

About the empty engagement gift...Wouldn't Emanda have realized that there was nothing in that box when she received the present? Like nothing that weighs that little would ever need a box that big...

Quotes of the Night:

Conrad to Daniel: The White Haired Man sent me this footage of you fucking Emily. I sent it to TMZ.

Nolan: Surprise! Your mom's alive, and she's sitting right next to you on this couch. ::smiles while pointing to self::

Next Season Predictions:

Victoria's not dead. In the column of rational reasons we have the fact that ABC is definitely keeping her character around because she has high ratings and the show's only Golden Globe nom. In the less rational column we have the fact that we're clairvoyant. But seriously, if this plot were wearing a sign on its head it would read WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM. Or possibly LOST 2: IN THE HAMPTONS ...who can really say?

And who could Emanda's real mother be? Lydia? Miss Frizzle? GOD ABC, you can't just give Emanda a mom! You just gave Nolan an aunt but one fortnight ago! Everyone knows the chances of two people in the same bestie group getting new relatives in the same month are like, slim.

PS. We're totes getting revenge on Revenge, can't believe they didn't bring back the world's favorite marker or the marine mammal security system.

Last weeks recap>>

 

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17 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Smelling The Farts says:

    When Victoria learned her husband had her lover murdered she was doing some serious Smelling the Farts acting . . . She definitely deserves that Golden Globe nom.

    Posted on Reply
  2. bitchstolemyremote says:

    Oh man - your recap is hilarious (and vulgar…hilariously vulgar). P.S. How much would I pay to see Victoria mother-effing Grayson churning her own butter? Preferably in a pencil skirt, if possible.

    Posted on Reply
  3. BetchesBCray says:

    Didn’t Charlotte call a PI? That’s how she got the weirdo pix of a 15yo fucking her history teacher….right?

    Posted on Reply
  4. Rolahdex says:

    Yeah, duh. Get with it, betches. You even mentioned the rolodex…ya know, WHERE SHE GOT THE PI’s NUMBER?

    Posted on Reply
  5. Bomb says:

    did anyone else hear Nolan Use the term “revengy” I about died after that..

    Posted on Reply
  6. betchy bach Follower says:

    clearly you shouldn’t be reading these recaps if you’re going to take shit so literal, it’s supposed to be funny..not picked apart.

    Posted on Reply
  7. Ashley says:

    “That fight scene with WHM was wild. Whatever Emanda paid for Miyagi’s self defense training was worth every last Yen.” funniest line yet.

    And btw how did Victoria not already know that M. Grayson killed David Clarke she can be so dense, maybe her overly done eyebrow lifting and facial expressions clogged her brain

    Posted on Reply
  8. J'aime King says:

    hahaha i died at the “revengy” reference also

    Posted on Reply
  9. cbizzle says:

    Victoria is clearly alive. Not for 1 second should anyone think her or Lydia are dead. Emily’s mom is clearly Nolan’s “aunt”. You heard it here first.

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    i hope to god that lydia’s dead

    Posted on Reply
  11. Louis E. says:

    The woman to whom our heroine talked about memories of her mother in the previous episode,IS her mother?...no chance.

    Posted on Reply
  12. A says:

    now the whm knows emily is AC. why when the whm was in grayson’s office and grayson referred to the picture of em & dan did the whm not say she is AC?

    Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    I’m surprised there was no discussion of the nice girl move to spare the WHM.

    Plus, when did she start listening to her father via memory/ journal about anything he wanted for her life? Pretty sure he was against the Mr. Miyagi death training to begin with, not to mention destroying half the Hamptons… though no complaints here.

    And did she not consider that allowing the WHM to live might come back to bite her in the ass? C’mon Emanda, impractical time to grow a conscience.

    And did the airport really think it was normal for a 70 -year-old man to be doing plane maintenance on a government jet in the middle of the night before take-off? Could have been solved if Emanda had stuck to her own plan and killed the bastard.

    love the Wedding Singer reference, love the rolodex call-out, love it all.

    I hope Ashley and Declan somehow die next season.

    Posted on Reply
  14. Gbetch says:

    best line all season!! i guffaw

    Posted on Reply
  15. Anonymous says:

    Love the American Psycho reference.  Would def love to see more of that.  Patrick Bateman is such a pro.. “you can always be skinnier.. look better.” How betchy

    Posted on Reply
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