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By The Betches on

When we realized Revenge was new this week, aka 50 minutes before it aired, we were like shit, can someone remind us what happened last week? Naturally, we got distracted before even having a chance to re-read our own recaps and all of a sudden there we were sitting in front of our TVs listening to Emanada speak very seriously about the episode's theme while doing some early morning kara-tay. Unagi.

It's not easy for us to detail the happenings of last night's episode simply because one minute Emanda is having lemonade with Victoria plotting her seduction of Daniel, world's cutest moron, and then the next she's googling some random bitches X-rays -- excuse me, GoQuestGo'ing X-rays. It's hard to keep up with all the revenge however one thing has remained consistent and that's my inability to watch Declan and Charlotte touch each other.

Call outs

But seriously though, why's there always a thick fog during an early morning karatay fight?

This Marco guy needs to chill. Stop badgering Nolan, he's just not that into you. It's bad enough you guys were in the Hamptons on Thanksgiving, you definitely don't need to remind us of it now. On another note, I wonder how fast 'Marco Polo' jokes get old to people named Marco.

What the fuck was up with that fugly red dress Emanda? The neckline looked like the handle of some bag while the dress looked like it was cut from some drapes. What are you trying to pull here? Are we being punked? You're pretty but that dress doesn't make you any more attractive. Actually I know someone whom that dress would make prettier… Declan.

Baby Carl needs a larger role. 

The signature chair looks a little dirty. Vic, I know you've been busy fake smiling and making sure Daniel doesn't realize he's mentally challenged but now is not the time to let your cleaning lady go rogue.

Emanda whores herself out for revenge so easily. Whatever I'm glad she's back with Daniel. I am not glad however that she is still wearing that dress.

Nolan speaking French makes me want to vom. Quel surprise indeed.

Speaking of the Deckmister, even though I care very little about the French Roast problem he has on his hands, Declan is about as good at spying on these shady brothers as he is pretending to be straight.

LOL Moments

I don't really understand this whole Initiative group and what they're all about, but I do love how ABC was like, oh hell, might as well call this one the Initiative as well. Maybe no one will notice.

Nolan's weird sailor outfit. I can't decide if he looks like the Skipper or Gwyneth Paltrow in View from the Top.

During the part where the Judge's wife is making her speech…. "And more power would mean for more chance for abuse" … imagine if someone in the crowd screamed TAKE IT OFF!

Despite my inevitable confusion, I'd say it was a pretty good episode. But probably because Red Sharpie made its return from sabbatical. Hope it got a pay raise because from now it's going to go back to the golden days of kicking ass and circling faces.

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8 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Your Name says:

    terrible review betches—your new writer didnt even note # 41 fake smiling

    Posted on Reply
  2. Agreed says:

    This review was definitely the weakest I’ve ever read. It’s a new year betches. I expect better from you in 2013.

    Posted on Reply
  3. stiffy says:

    i kind of liked her dress

    Posted on Reply
  4. da fux says:

    the random switch from first person plural to singular mid-article was strange and unexpected…get your shit together betches

    Posted on Reply
    • ew says:

      ew stop paying so much attention. you’re not a betch

      Posted on Reply
  5. elle says:

    literally didn’t mention a single one of the amazing Nolan lines

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anyone says:

    Realize the initiative lady is the mom from The Santa Clause? Mind Blown

    Posted on Reply
  7. Excuse me? says:

    Did you type this in like, 5 minutes? It was ‘opportunity’ not ‘chance’ (for abuse) and no Nolan lines? Seriously? I mean . . .

    Posted on Reply
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