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By The Betches on

We'll admit to being a little distraught when our weekly philosophy lesson was replaced by a 50 Cent song and Mandy going bat shit on some bro with a toilet seat. Too many vodka sans tonics Mand? But what Emanda lacked in profound monologue she made up in flashbacks, and flashbacks within flashbacks. I really hope we soon get to see a flashback of 2002 Emanda flashing back to 5 year old Emanda flashing back to the womb. I'm gonna get revenge on you uterine wall!

But who cares, it's New Year's Eve in 2002 and 1992 and 2012 and one of these years was apparently the one when that picture was taken with Emanda in the background... you know the one Lydia was looking at when she pulled a magnifying glass out of her ass?

Seriously though, what was this, the reunion episode? It's like, if you didn't plot an evil scheme to help us frame David Clarke then you can't fucking sit with us.

 

lion king revenge

 

Call Outs

I bet if you put together all the titles of the Revenge episodes you could write at least a few paragraphs of the Declaration of Independence.

Dye Conrad's hair brown and suddenly it's 10 years ago. These are some Lord of the Rings caliber makeup artists you've got here, Revenge.

Jack Porter circa 2002 looks like Jim Morrison kind of but also a little like Alanis Morisette. Who knew all that was standing in the way of his potential was the vagina repellent on his face?

"I bought the house because it felt right" ... "Felt...how refreshing." David Clarke had Victoria at feelings? We think not.

How does Jack Porter not remember Amanda? He has several conversations with her in 2002. It's like the bitch has a blowout and grew out her Japanese straightening she didn't get a fucking face lift. Seriously Emanda can get flashbacks to when she was 8 years old from merely glimpsing at all these rando characters but NOT ONE PERSON ON THIS WHOLE FUCKING SERIES remembers seeing Emanda in 2002!?

 

nolan ameilaBut you're like, really a missing female pilot Nolan

 

This show also expects us to buy into some ridiculous shit about the Hamptons. First of all, Mandy (in 2002) shows up at the Stowaway and claims she was just "passin through." Tell us how one passes through a town on the very end of an island. And like, you expect us to believe that the Graysons throw this annual NYE party there?? Rich people are not in the Hamptons on NYE, they're on vacation. If this were real life the only people in the Hamptons on December 31st would be Jack and his everlasting dog.

Holy fook. A suicide? COULD IT BE! WHERE'S THE WHALE CAM WHEN YOU NEED HIM? Probably having an affair with a secret black sharpie.

LOL Moments

Omgggg yes Glen Goolia! Julia Goolia! I bet he wouldn't give David Clarke the window seat...

O NO Conrad you did NOT interrupt Vic's luncheon at Le Bernadin. She was but two bites into her Niçoise!

No but seriously Jack looks like a manscaped Jesus.

Mandy is shadily an unattractive crier. LIKE HELL I WON'T! ...::slams cellphone into snow:: ::cellphone not broken:: ::because snow is soft::

I love Emily's quick memories from her father's journal: Roger Halstead - True Friend, knows I'm innocent. Conrad Grayson - Backstabbing bastard Victoria Grayson - Gives good head.

Last week's recap>>

 

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11 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Emanda Please says:

    Can we please talk about Emanda’s age, like why hasn’t she, Jack or Nolan aged in 10 years? Though Declan of 2012 doesn’t have any more muscle mass than Declan of 2002 . . .

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  2. Anonymous says:

    THIS.  And this means that emanda is like 28 now. Didnt daniel just graduate college? Couger status?

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  3. Jess says:

    Daniel got out of grad schoo, Harvard’s MBA program or whatever.

    Posted on Reply
  4. Anonymous says:

    i think emanda looks a lot better with the brown wig than with the dyed blonde hair. she should have kept it

    Posted on Reply
  5. Annie says:

    Yeah and there’s no way the dog would still be alive….

    Posted on Reply
  6. Shiza says:

    this is the best post EVER!!!!

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anne says:

    How in 2002 Declan is a little kid but Charlotte isn’t even born yet? Probably in the womb? What? Aren’t they the same age?

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  8. bitch says:

    the dogs fucking dead so is everyone happpyyyyy

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  9. Anonymous says:

    charlotte was born in 2002 just not shown…. she wasn’t born yet in the 1992 flashback

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  10. This was hysterical says:

    OMG the juxtaposition of “The Lion King” pic of Scar and Queen Vicky giving her speech to the masses is fucking PRICELESS.  Like seriously, I love how you guys bring things full circle and draw parallels between fave childhood staples.  Also, I died at the Nolan v. Amelia Earhart pics.  You guys are hilarious.  “I’m gonna get revenge on your uterine wall” was the best line. This was seriously LOL-worthy.

    Posted on Reply
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