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By The Betches on

Based on the amount of times they mentioned the White Haired Man last night, you'd think Christmas was coming early. Nolan and Emanda are the Hampton's Cheech and Chong yet they can't figure out this elderly man's name? What about just calling him 'the old dude'?

Nolan: What are you gonna do next Em? Emanda: I'm gonna create a reason for them to meet again, then I'm gonna track the White Haired Man to where he's hiding Nolan: And then? Emanda: You know what...I'm going to dye his hair...brown.


white haired menThese men also have...white hair


So with everything that happened last night, including the big Emanda/Jack kiss and the dead dog, the thing that shocked us most was the noticeable decline in Daniel's hotness. Can he please go back to being the adorable dumbfounded alcoholic with a really great tan whose biggest problem was a gay killer ginger/BFF on the loose? Now he's all "I'M A GRAYSON" and sucking his dad's corporate teet. In your case Danny, stupidity is cute, responsibility isn't.

Call Outs:

Why are Nolan and Emanda besties all of a sudden? Last week Emanda was choking Nolan and now he's calling her Ems and brushing her hair. Sorry ABC but you can't just randomly choose an episode to put these two on a nickname basis. Doesn't everyone know that Ems is OUR nickname!? If Nole starts calling her Emanda I'm going to start looking around my room for the whale cam.

Lydia? How many times does that woman have to be thrown off a roof onto a car windshield before she fucking dies? Is she a vampire? Maybe season 3.

Declan is rebounding with Miss Frizzle. Bitch came all the way from Yonkers, apparently on the Magic School Bus.

The Graysons are considered American royalty? YOU WINTER IN THE HAMPTONS!!!! On another note why would they be going to private school in the Hamptons!? IT'S CALLED DALTON, ABC. LOOK IT UP!

Daniel would be stupid enough to think it doesn't look suspicious at all to write a one million dollar check to a witness in his former trial of 2 weeks ago. And Jack would be stupid enough to pretend he's going to start a charity with it. What are you gonna start the world's smallest charity? For what, old dogs?

Also, Nolan sneaking into Santa's house was like the least smooth thing ever. The guy didn't even call for cable repair. We're talking about the man who killed THE David Clarke, you think he'll be deceived with a penciled in mustache and a custodian costume? This bro fooled everyone in jail and you're just casually fucking with his cable wires? ...But uh, sick stache Burt Simmons, second cousin of Richard.

Charlotte the addict has advanced from buying pills from her prep school ex-boyf to buying wholesale pills from a sketchy black man in a shitty car. But where will she pick her spot to hustle, the corner with Starbucks or Van Cleef and Arpels!? You're a pusher Charlotte, you're a pusher.

We would talk about Sammy's death here, but that shit goes straight to LOL moments.


cable guy white haired man nolanFree cable is the ultimate aphrodisiac, White Haired Man...


LOL Moments:

When Mandy prepares for the covert White Haired Man op, she sticks a knife in her boot. Like where do you think you're going, Q-Zar?

Or how about Nolan's text message play-by-plays: 5:01 He's here 5:02 They're sitting down 5:04 WHM is picking nose

During Lydia and Victoria's late night art destruction rendez-vous: "We used to be besties, what happened!? Why can't we just get along like we did at the Christmas party in 2002 where we killed that guy? I wish we could bake a cake filled with whale cams and sharpies." ...Lydia, I'm sorry for throwing you off a balcony and holding you hostage in my house. And I'm sorry for repeating it now.

Emanda's closing monologue: "Grief is a merciless master" ...uhhh, what?

And how about everyone freaking out about Sammy's disappearance. God forbid someone should let Sammy the 900 year old dog out to wander the wilderness without food, water, or toilet. However his death scene alone deserves a standing O. Why the fuck was Jack sobbing so hard? Like pull yourself together bro, your dog is a million years old. Thanks for being such a good listener. Thanks for teaching me about loyalty and friendship. Thanks for teaching me how to love. Thanks for losing your virginity to me.

No but really, how many xanax did they give this actor dog?

So like, you're really a huge loser Jack. After blowing your nose on Emanda's sleeve, don't forget to wipe your vagina. Like you have balls, CUP THEM. Just a warning Mandy, don't be so quick to start dating Jack, you might be committing yourself to life with a strap-on.

Last week's recap>>


22 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Anonymous says:

    Anne Hathaway from Princess Diaries how did you get invited to The Hamptons?!?!?!

    Posted on Reply
  2. Anonymous says:

    As soon as I heard them start referring to him as the White Haired Man, I knew you guys would have a field day. And with Sammy’s death, they definitely have been whale camming you and realized that dog is way too old to still be around. Love this recap!

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  3. Mikey M says:

    For anyone who has lost a Dog or had to put them Down, the scene last night was true to form and not an overreaction on his part.

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  4. M says:

    Seriously, have a heart. I semi-dreaded reading this recap because I knew it’d be filled with cracks about Sammy. There’s a difference in being a heartless bItch and a betch. Don’t pretend it wouldn’t break your heart to have to bury your childhood dog.

    Posted on Reply
  5. harlie says:

    funniest revenge recap yet! “After blowing your nose on Emanda’s sleeve, don’t forget to wipe your vagina. Like you have balls, CUP THEM. ” AHAHAHAH too good. at it again betches

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  6. Anonymous says:

    pretty sure in real life, he would’ve buried his childhood dog like 10-15 years ago, so that reality check is what makes this LOL worthy

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  7. Natalie says:

    anyone else find it dumb/unrealistic how when jack and emanda kissed that reporter betch was casually strolling through the neighborhood at midnight alone at that exact time and creeping at them from a crack in the window

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  8. Anonymous says:

    Anyone wonder why Jack was infinitely more upset when his dog died than when his dad died?

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  9. Anonymous says:

    AGREED i was thinking the same thing. like what jack

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  10. Anonymous says:

    that was ashley. and i hope emanda gets rid of her next. she’s getting to be very annoying lately.

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  11. Anonymous says:

    was anyone else really pissed about the kiss between jack and emanda? if they start dating, i might throw up

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  12. nic says:

    LOL you’ve got to be kidding me.. take a joke the dog was way past due to be dead. it probably should have died on the 30 mile trek it miraculously took from montauk to southhampton.. again

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  13. Anonymous says:

    That betch has a new car, she’s taking it for a midnight drive!

    Posted on Reply
  14. Brittany says:

    Pretty sure he’s called her that before, in previous episodes…

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  15. Anonymous says:

    but really, that’s so fucked up. you can’t just dig a ditch on a public beach and put your dog in it? What happens when the tide comes up or his collar sets off a metal detector?

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  16. Kevin says:


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  17. Anonymous says:

    Wait, lets talk about how the sickly dog got from Montauk to Southampton… Not even possible

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  18. Your Name says:

    The man’s fucking dog was dying, if my dog was dying I’d be bawling my eyes out, not trying to act like a stoic cardboard cutout of gender role. Hate all these macho bullshit expectations.

    Posted on Reply
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