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By The Betches on

Soooo like...this show is back. It was okay. Turns out Revenge is a dish best served on a day when we're not this hungover because our ADD was raging hard and like, what even happened? Seriously it's impossible to keep up with all these plot twists because everyone's always fucking whispering and I can't hear shit.

A few things: We think they replaced Mr. Miyagi but we're really bad at telling the difference between Asians so not really sure. Ashley now has her own Ashley. White Haired Man is back and remains nameless. Nolan is the same, except now he's trying to turn Revenge into Will and Grace by asking to shack up with Emanda. Jack looks like Captain Hook...still.

Also, we called it last season and last Friday that Victoria's alive, fucking duh, ABC knows better than to let that bitch's contract expire. How's life without your Parisian print chair Vic? We hear she's getting a spin-off, The Secret Life of the American Terrorist.

Finally, it appears that the ABCMT is creating a pattern where they "kill" someone off in a flash forward in the pilot and then later we will find out how they didn't actually die (probably)... though if they really decided to sink the Amanda and take the Porters with it we wouldn't cry about it, unlike Jack when his dog died.

Call Outs

Why did the first five minutes of the show consist of a waterboarding and a deep sea dive? Has Emanda been taking lessons from Mr. Miyagi or perhaps the Steven Spielberg's shark swimmers in Jaws? Is there anything this woman can't do? Like next week will we see her flying through outer space after being given lessons from the late Neil Armstrong after a surprising twist that he is in fact still alive?

Suddenly Emanda has memories of her random mom that no one thought twice about for all of season 1? Shit I was THIS close to unlocking a memory of my mother...and burning off the calories from those cheese fries!

Of course there's an infinity symbol etched into the leather restraints at the loony bin!

Victoria's "memorial" had the festive air of a fucking bar mitzvah. They probably reused the same decorations from last year's tacky party on a boat. At least Daniel properly honors his mother's memory by staring wistfully off of her balcony and getting wasted. 

When did Declan suddenly get the nickname 'Deck'? Wouldn't it be weird to constantly be called a deck, it's like whats up, Porch!?

Ugh fake Amanda is fake pregnant. So grossed out by her fames fearse. Pregnant people don't stand up that fast, they just don't.

LOL Moments

That sounds revengey - Nolan

Holy moley - Nolan

Cray cray - Nolan

Declan, go fetch some lobsters would you?

Ahhh clam cam is the new whale cam. It's like they're speaking to us.

The revenge writers are clearly stepping their shit up with this Emmy winning dialogue: 

Emanda: It seems as though your suspicions are correct
Victoria: They almost always are
Emanda: exactly
Victoria: I know
Emanda: of course
Victoria: yes

Emanda to Jack: "Don't hate me for saying this. But are you absolutely sure the baby is yours and do you have any leftover chowder from dinner?"

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16 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. NolanObviLoveJack says:

    what the hell happened to takeda’s hair!? gross

    Posted on Reply
    • DyingObvi says:

      Takeda is obviously dying or something, they also made his makeup look like his sick. Im willing to bet he has like some terminal disease and that other guy is supposed to take his place along with Emanda in some grander scheme to take down some bigger baddie corp in season 3.

      Posted on Reply
  2. emj says:

    I know this show is full of holes, but how the hell did she carve the infinity symbol into the restraints if she was restrained at the time?!

    Posted on Reply
    • betch says:

      they said Emanda’s dad visited, he probably did it

      Posted on Reply
  3. betch says:

    When Nolan said “clam cam”, I about died. #RIPwhalecam.

    I don’t know if anyone watched 666 Park Avenue after Revenge, but it seems pretty legit. The Betches should consider recapping that as well!

    Posted on Reply
  4. Meesh says:

    That break between seasons gave Nolan time to sculpt his boxing bod….

    Posted on Reply
  5. RML says:

    Obsessed with Emanda’s line “Lunch sometime?” to Ash & Daniel. It’s like saying, “Ask me to lunch and there’s a 105% chance I’ll turn you down because I’m too busy not caring about your relationship/getting revenge on you/I’ll probably be in Japan anyways half drowning in the ocean while two men watch me!!!!!!” Byeeeeeeeee!!!!!!

    Posted on Reply
    • Katie says:

      OMG I know I loved that line!!!!! I died, she is so smooth I want to be Emanda. Anyway HILARIOUS post Betches, I was cracking up the whole way through….

      Posted on Reply
  6. love it says:

    “The Secret Life of the American Terrorist” dyinggg
    also wasn’t Declan always called Dec, at least by Jack??
    also did Nolan shadily look hotttt???

    Posted on Reply
    • NolHot says:

      Obvi, hes always been hot, hes a model. Didnt you see those 2 brief seconds when they showed his abs when he filmed himself with the crazy ginger

      Posted on Reply
  7. weeds says:

    why is no one discussing that emanda’s mom is nancys crazy slut sister from weeds

    Posted on Reply
    • yea says:

      yea i about freaked out i hate her sister so much in weeds she is so unfortunate but shes EVERYWHERE like you peaked in fast times at ridgemont high stop trying to make your career happen

      Posted on Reply
    • Nancy says:

      God I miss Weeds. I rather see Mary-Louise Parker playing Emanda’s mom. Then Nancy and Vic have a season-long bitch fight.

      Posted on Reply
  8. nolan says:

    did anyone else notices nolans haircut…

    Posted on Reply
  9. Nolan says:

    “Seance anyone?” -Nolan
    I DIE

    Posted on Reply
  10. cray cray says:

    made me cringe to my stomach

    Posted on Reply
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