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By The Head Pro on

As you can probably guess, I get a lot of emails. Girls asking me for advice, marriage proposals, sending me explicit (but always welcome) pictures of their private areas - it’s insane. In most cases, these emails get deleted. Some wind up in Ask a Pro or Sexts and Subtext, but for the most part the emails I get end up trashed because they’re either a) too long or b) trite and repetitive. I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised/annoyed because lots of girls want a male perspective on a lot of the same subjects. One particularly annoying recurring theme goes a little like this:

Dear Head Pro,

You rock! I’m having this one problem that is totally a real problem and one that I’m sure no one else has ever had. I’m incredibly popular and attractive, but I also do a good job of pretending to be completely oblivious. As it happens, I hang out with what I call a mixed group but is mostly guys because I crave attention, and I love it. The problem is that one of the bros I hang out with recently expressed interest in me, and by that I mean his hints and advances have gotten too obvious to ignore. I don’t like him that way, because I could barely be considered a shell of a human being and thus am incapable of genuine emotion, but he’s a really cool guy! How can I let him down easy but still maintain our friendship?

Hugs,

Terrible Pseudonym with the Word “Betch” in it

Four Attachments:
Vulva.jpeg
Left_Boob.jpeg
Right_Boob.jpeg
Boobs_and_Vulva.jpeg

Or something like that, anyway. I don’t know how it’s possible that 50% of my readers are living inside 80s high school romcoms, but apparently they do. It’s always some variation of “this guy who is my friend likes me, and I want him to know I don’t like him without losing his friendship.” If you, dear reader, ever find yourself in this situation, simply remind yourself of one thing:

That guy was never your fucking friend to begin with. Ever.

We can all agree that the trope of the platonic male-female friendship is more or less a myth, but speaking as real people we can also admit that yes, sometimes men are friends with women and nothing more. Maybe they’re both attractive but not to each other, or maybe they share one or two interests but have nothing else in common. It’s rare, but it happens sometimes. And that’s great! Bros love having a girl around who is neither trying too hard/being a WGG nor trying to fuck them. It’s nice, on occasion, to be able to talk to someone who has a perspective different from that of your bros, especially when making important, complicated decisions. The problem is that it doesn’t happen very often.

Despite what a lot of the people who email me think, life doesn’t work like a movie. The former brofriend who’s now hitting on you didn’t magically evolve feelings for you, unless you made such a terrible first impression that it took him a while to come around. Otherwise, odds are that this bro wanted to fuck you from the start and just had zero game. Think about it, what makes him such a good “friend”? Does he try to make you laugh? Does he compliment you/go out of his way to make you feel good about yourself? Does he offer to do a lot of favors for you? Does he try to build a connection by sussing out common interests and ideologies? If that sounds like your brofriend, congratulations: you’ve been hanging out with a guy who’s been trying to fuck you but isn’t very good at it.

If there’s someone in your circle of friends who wants to fuck you, that person is not your friend. Think about the guy you’re crushing on - do you refer to him as “my brofriend I want to fuck”? No, he’s just the guy you want to go out with. Whenever you find yourself dealing with a former friend who now wants to be more, you’ll finally know what it feels like for a guy to be on the receiving end of a delusional dater. It’s the same thing. Every benign act of normal friendship gets interpreted as affection. Telling them how nice they are or how good of a friend they are only leads them to believe they’re making progress but aren’t quite there yet. It’s the most frustrating thing in the world, because while you were dumb enough to believe that this guy was somehow extra nice to without wanting anything in return, he was dumb enough to believe he was slowly summiting fuck mountain.

When you say you don’t want to “lose his friendship,” what is it you’re afraid of losing, exactly? Attention? A servant? I know that getting other people to do shit for you is a tenet of betchiness, but I don’t recall reading anything about being a needy attention whore. Think about it, you wouldn’t tolerate a “boyfriend” who only wanted to fuck you and not do anything else, so why would you tolerate a “friend” who does what you want a friend to do but insists on fucking you? You wouldn’t, or at least shouldn’t. You don’t have to stress over letting him down in a way that maintains the friendship, because he didn’t become your friend for the sake of friendship to begin with.

If you want a guy friend, get a fucking dog.

Have a pressing and/or stupid question for the Head Pro? Email him at headpro@betcheslovethis.com or follow him on Twitter @BetchesHeadPro.

14 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. jackie says:

    did she send an attachment called “boobs and vulva” with the email?? wtf

    Posted on Reply
    • Um says:

      Did you not read the joke he made before that? Come on.

      Posted on Reply
  2. Love it but says:

    But what about your bf’s friends? The ones you have a relationship with and talk to even when your bf is not around? Aren’t those obvious platonic friends?

    Posted on Reply
    • please says:

      just because they’re your boyfriend’s friends doesn’t mean they aren’t waiting in line to do you. While it may be obviously platonic on your side, it doesn’t mean things are on theirs.

      Posted on Reply
  3. Your Name says:

    Yes yes and YES! I have had one legitimate guy friend my whole life. You know how you know it’s legitimate? When they’re “there for you” the same way they would be for their guy friends. If your “guy friend” is going “oh your bf is an asshole you’re so beautiful and great and any guy would be lucky to have you” well guess what? Not your guy friend. Also, there’s no such thing as “platonic cuddling” with a guy friend. Do guys platonically cuddle with eachother? No. So why would he platonically cuddle with you if your relationship has nothing to do with gender?

    Posted on Reply
  4. BAHA says:

    Summiting fuck mountain. YES. Hilarious, thank you.

    Posted on Reply
  5. Ivy says:

    Whoa! So those are just DDs with testosterone! Wild shit Head Pro. Cool post.

    Posted on Reply
  6. Ivy says:

    Whoa! So they’re just delusional daters with testosterone. Mind-blowing shit. Cool post Head Pro (except now I’m busy thinking about all my ex I-thought-they-were-friends now, so gross).

    Posted on Reply
  7. ... says:

    calm down, Ivy

    Posted on Reply
  8. KimyeFetus says:

    this article has caused me to have an awakening and now i realize that all of my inter-sex friendships are a lie

    Posted on Reply
    • BendNSnap says:

      Okay. Mind blown.

      Posted on Reply
  9. Dan says:

    You are absolutely, 100% wrong. You don’t know what you’re talking about. I have two girls who are among my best friends. I literally don’t know what I’d do without them. They are amazing people. They are also attractive people, and I’d love to fuck them. But they aren’t into me that way, and I’m fine with that. I am not hanging around because I think they will change their minds about being attracted to me. I’m not delusional. I value them as friends. A man can be attracted to a woman and still have a platonic relationship with her and value her for more than sex. I’m not saying this happens all the time or even most of the time, but it definitely exists. So ladies, I would advise that you judge your men on a case by case basis, instead of listening to someone who thinks they know what they don’t.

    Posted on Reply
  10. Nope says:

    That’s a really jaded view of us guys. I will freely admit that I would gladly fuck any one of my female friends. And they all know that. Why? Because I’ve straight up told them. That doesn’t mean that that’s the only reason I hang out with them. There was a girl I liked who sent a lot of mixed signals (not like the ones you mentioned… Like getting naked and jumping on top of me, then getting mad when I made a move.. Dafuq?) and I was a little pissed about it. But I decided that she meant too much to me as a friend to lose her over a bit of sexual tension. So I went and fucked some one else and she and I got to stay friends. Problem solved. So my point is that while, yes ladies, your guy friends do want to fuck you, that DOES NOT mean that we don’t also want to be friends. We’re not all idiots. We know a lost cause when we see one. It is possible to settle for friendship, even if we want more, because its still better than nothing.

    Posted on Reply
  11. John says:

    This could not be less accurate. I can think of two girls in particular whom I am very good friends with, and whom, I admit, I have definitely considered sexual relationships with, but I didn’t become friends with them solely for their physical attractiveness. In fact, when I first became friends with them, the idea of dating them, much less having sex with them, seemed absurd. But then, gradually, I realized that a relationship, either sexual or romantic, would be great. Who would make a better partner than someone who already knows you well and is one of your best friends, as well as incredibly attractive? But since neither of these girls has indicated that they would be similarly attracted to me, I just leave it alone, because even though I would enjoy a sexual or romantic relationship, the one we have now is equally enjoyable, and I’m perfectly fine with it staying that way. I’m not waiting around hoping that they’ll suddenly want to have sex with me, I’m staying friends with people I’ve been friends with for years.

    Posted on Reply
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