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By The Head Pro on

As most of you already know and as you've all made me painfully aware, the male mind is apparently a dark, confusing place, and I see why. After all, bros and pros are among the most sought after specimens on the planet, and we didn't get that way by being retarded simpletons. Some people, like your dad and bleeding edge hipsters, turn to the op-ed pages of the New York Times or Wall Street Journal when they want to sound smart. This is better than that. Like, way better.

Propinions is the place for betches who really want to be in the know and find out what the fuck bros are thinking on all sorts of topics. Have a topic you want covered? Email me at headpro@betcheslovethis.com, or post up in We the Betches. You're welcome.


I won’t lie to you betches, more often than not I make a point to go back and read the comments on my posts at least once. Sometimes it’s to apologize for some grammatical or factual fuckup on my part that the Head Betches were too lazy to edit out, but it’s also because in an effort to provide you with genuinely helpful advice, it’s beneficial for me to keep my thumb on the pulse of what you betches are thinking and feeling. Usually, the comments remind me of why I’m paid allowed to write here while most people shouldn’t be allowed should be paid not to write anything. One comment in particular from last week, though, really stuck in my craw: [Note from Head Betches: who the fuck says craw?]

After checking to make sure that my dick was, in fact, properly oriented, I realized that this comment and a couple of others like it were the result of some confusing language on my part (I’d say poor, but nothing about me is poor. Not my eyesight, and certainly not my verbiage). Namely, I was using “casual hookup” and “one-night stand” in the same breath, and I see how that could be kind of misleading. A casual hookup, in my eyes, is when you fuck someone you’re not dating, but it’s someone you definitely know and could conceivably see and/or fuck again. Maybe there’s a guy in your econ class you flirt with all the time, or a guy you always stop and chat with when you’re at the frat house with your besties.Those are casual hookups, and without them, no one in college would have sex, ever.

On the other hand, one-night stands are a completely different story. A one night stand is someone who was a stranger before you fucked, and continues to be a stranger after you fuck. You never see them again, or at least never hang out with them. It’s called a one-night stand because you literally only interact with them for that one night, ever. Those are what I was saying you should avoid if possible, and for a good reason:

Believe it or not, one-night stands kind of suck. For everyone.

I’m reminded of a time some years ago when I was visiting some of my bros who were in law school. A couple of us had ditched the event we were at (the open bar closed, the girls were ugly or some similar atrocity had occurred) for the sanctuary of a nearby bar. We ordered drinks, and within 60 seconds my bro was chatting up the girl next to him. Within five minutes, they were wrapped around each other as though God had tried to create an octopus out of human limbs and tongues. Minutes later, they were gone. I was flabbergasted, not because the idea of a quick pickup was foreign to me, but because shit, I hadn’t even finished my drink yet. Thirty minutes later, he was back.

“I can’t believe that girl wouldn’t have sex with me,” he fumed.

“Well it might have something to do with her meeting you less than half an hour ago.”

“Yeah, but I don’t get it. We were up against her building making out, I had my hand in her pants and shit, and then she just left and wouldn’t let me come with her.”

“Dude, she was never going to have sex with you,” I wisely scolded him. “She got everything she needed from you. She felt hot because you wanted her, she got a thrill from making out with a stranger, and you fulfilled her basic need for human fucking contact.”

At the time, I was saying that in hopes that the girl next to me would overhear and see how well I “got” women at the tender age of 23 or however old I was, but looking back I realize there was a bigger implication afoot. He wasn’t mad that he didn’t have sex that night; in fact he probably did, later. He was mad because that girl didn’t want to have sex with him. It perfectly illustrates the difference between a casual hookup and a one-night stand, and why one is awesome and one usually isn’t.

The thing about guys is that if we want to have an orgasm, we can make that happen ourselves. We’re very, very well-practiced at it. I know the ladies are too, though to be fair, I realize that clicking your mouse isn’t exactly the same as full-blown intercourse. If the alien probe looking vibrators I’ve seen are any indication, creating a device that more accurately simulates sex for girls requires a PhD and a dirty mind. Still, for guys at least, we can get ourselves off just as well as anyone else can. That’s why if I’m looking for a casual hookup with a girl and the night’s going to end in something other than sex, I’d just as soon do it myself. I mean, why bother furthering (and complicating) things with a girl I wasn’t that interested in to begin with?

That’s why hookups, especially casual ones, are maybe only 25% about the sex (for guys at least). The other 75% is about the pursuit, the game; about being able to accomplish a goal or objective. You want to feel something, not necessarily (but maybe) romance or fireworks, but something. As you banter and maneuver throughout the night, you want to feel that progression, that build up. When things come to a head and it’s time to go to the bone zone, you want to feel wanted. You want to know that she’s just as down for the stuff you imagined doing when you flirted with her in econ class as you are. When that happens, boom. You have some hot casual sex. Your bros will high five you. I imagine your fellow betches would do the same, or whatever it is girls do in place of high fiving. You achieved something, you fulfilled a fantasy. If not, the worst thing that happens is you end up like my law school bro, satisfying someone else’s needs.

Contrast that with the one-night stand. It’s not two acquaintances who’ve been eyeing each other for a while; it’s a girl looking to have her holes filled and a guy looking to fill someone’s hole. For either person to fuck a stranger who for all they know is a serial killer, it requires desperation, a sense of having given up, and a ton of booze. And once you’ve slurred your way into each other’s hearts, what kind of sex do you get? You’re talking about two people who are so drunk they can barely stand trying to fuck someone they had zero opportunity to develop chemistry with.

If you can show me a guy who can finish while wearing a condom and drunk enough to be there in the first place, I’ll show you a guy who’s never had sex any other way. And ladies, I don’t know everything there is to know about your lady parts (they’re terrifying, that’s why I stab them with what my youth pastor lovingly called my “Jesus Scepter”), but assuming your clit and vag get desensitized with booze the same way our dicks do, I can’t imagine you’re having a good time of it either. Sure a living, breathing dick (they breathe, that’s what the hole’s for) and another person’s touch are probably more satisfying than rubbing one out while you watch Twilight, but is it worth the risk? The hassle? The shame? Oh, there’s shame involved, for all of us.

I’ve had my share of one-nighters, and the aftermath is never great. In the best cases, the woman (who’s usually a little older than me) has perfected the art of the morning after, which essentially means knowing how to keep the banter going and then parting ways before either of us sober up from the night before. Even then, I leave thinking “Wow, she must do this all the time. I’d better shower.” The alternatives aren’t any better. If I wake up so hungover I want to puke and she seems ok, I wonder how desperate she must have been to fuck someone she just met. If it’s the other way around and she’s the one puking, it’s even worse because now I feel like I had to have been kinda sorta rape-y. Either way, the result is a certain kind of shallow emptiness. As guys, we’re supposed to feel good about putting another notch on our bedpost, and to a degree we do. But I didn’t earn that one. Your bros don’t give you high fives for nailing the stranger who was so blackout she couldn’t remember her own last name. You didn’t play the game. You didn’t make her want you. You were just there.

So when I advise you to avoid one-night stands like the plague or outlet malls, that’s why. No one wants a sizeable chunk of their sexual history to be fuzzy memories of people whose names they can’t remember, especially girls because of the (unfortunate, but real) societal stigma. Most people figure that out sooner rather than later; some never do. Casual hookups make the world go round, but one-night stands usually just mean you have the spins.

68 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. supbetch says:

    this was way too long, but those jon hamm photos made me laugh

    Posted on Reply
    • Bananas says:

      I laughed harder than I should at them.

      Posted on Reply
  2. shutthefucupcakebetch says:

    This is true. And it goes both ways although girls usually end up having the negative stigma attached (unless you hide it well.. undercoverbetch). I have had several casual hookups in college and I think that my current boyfrannn doesn’t really understand (or he’s just insecure that I am more experienced). He was basically a prude during his college years (cleaning up after his bad boy ways in high school) and he has this whole idea that my college years were just a total blur where everyone was a stranger. I think if he understood the lifestyle and that it’s just a time for experimentation, he would understand that there is a distinction between one-nighter and casual. Why can’t you be my boyfriend head pro? lol jk.

    Posted on Reply
  3. betsy says:

    way too long. we read for your humor not your actual brainy thoughts, bro.

    Posted on Reply
    • sarah says:

      i like the “brainy thoughts” it’s something different

      Posted on Reply
  4. Kay says:

    Head Pro,

    What are your thoughts about online dating?

    Posted on Reply
  5. happybetch says:

    This might’ve been one of my favorite reads on here. Go you. (ps. girls high-five too)

    Posted on Reply
  6. Babs says:

    too long :(. no one likes to hear anyone else talk for this long.

    Posted on Reply
  7. Agree says:

    I look forward to your posts every week and I have to say, although this was rather long, it was the most on-point and well done post of yours. Keep this column going!

    Posted on Reply
  8. smarterbetch says:

    listen betches. while lots of this site is for humor, it’s ultimately for covering every aspect of our lifestyle. if it were all short, fluffy pieces it wouldn’t be as good. thumbs up to head pro

    Posted on Reply
  9. justtorespondtothis says:

    Then don’t read it betsy, not all of us can be cut out for reading something longer than a child’s book. Well done Pro.

    Posted on Reply
  10. lex says:

    I love you head pro! Marry me

    Posted on Reply
  11. Lol, read more says:

    To everyone saying this post was too long….....dear god, develop a longer attention span please.

    This was really great, well thought out, and funny. Though, I think you should know that plenty of women are fully capable of getting themselves off as well as or better than they do during sex. And usually hands work just fine.

    Posted on Reply
  12. Thanks! says:

    Everyone saying “too long” is dumb and should take the two minutes it took to read this. This was perfect. The in-depth analysis is so appreciated and I’m looking forward to more Propinion pieces. You’re really the only thing worth reading anymore on this thing.

    Posted on Reply
  13. MC says:

    I am usually a TL;DR kind of girl, but this was fucking fantastic. Wonderful insight into the male mind. Well done.

    Posted on Reply
  14. g says:

    ^that. one of my favorite articles on this site, shows some actual depth. keep posting!

    Posted on Reply
  15. The Queen says:

    Too long?  You bitches are seriously DUMB. Props to head Pro for writing something with depth.

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      Agree! I’m not really sure if the comments saying it’s too long have a grasp of reading…

      Posted on Reply
  16. mermaidhairr says:

    I read this in about a minute. If you think this is too long, I advise you take a long walk off a short pier because you are bringing our society down.

    Posted on Reply
  17. betch says:

    head pro:

    what are your thoughts on if a girl has sex with a guy the first time they met (drunk) but her and the guy continue to talk / text and hook up. would you classify that as a one night stand or a casual hook up..

    Posted on Reply
    • sarah says:

      did you not read the piece? a one night stand is when you meet someone that night, have sex with them, and then never see them again.

      Posted on Reply
  18. so blackout i cant remember my name says:

    head pro,
    great piece. i totally agree. every one night stand ive had is full of shame and regret.
    casual sex is always better.

    definitely not too long.
    betches need to read more.

    Posted on Reply
  19. Ashley says:

    I’ve got to admit it - Pro you have just as much talent as the Betches do. it’s nice to a new variety of articles on this site. So what if it was long. I actually genuinely enjoyed reading a piece less shallow than the majority of ones on this site.

    Posted on Reply
  20. Y says:

    thank you for writing that—great post keep em coming

    Posted on Reply
  21. Storyline says:

    There’s an exception, one night stands for the story (sleeping with the guitarist in the band or the cop who had handcuffs on him that night ) sure the above feelings apply to some extent and you can’t do it all the time…. But the story one night stands are worth it.

    Posted on Reply
  22. m says:

    I never comment on here but this was entertaining and made soo much sense.
    Keep the PROpinions coming!

    Posted on Reply
  23. real betches can read says:

    i only come on here now for this kind of stuff, ask a pro and sexts and subtexts. loved the longer article. head pro, keep doin your thaaang

    Posted on Reply
  24. blonde bitch says:

    well written. wonderful argument. i’m inspired.

    Posted on Reply
  25. princess_erin says:

    Well written. Great argument. I’m inspired.

    Posted on Reply
  26. anon says:

    I really enjoyed this. It has a fresh perspective (and wasn’t too long… have any of you read a book before?) and was surprisingly agreeable. Niiiice work!

    Posted on Reply
  27. mmc says:

    I think this was spot on. It was refreshing to read a piece, while although still funny, actually had some substance that us betches can actually appreciate. Solid work.

    Posted on Reply
  28. Zo says:

    Well said, pro

    Posted on Reply
  29. curious betch says:

    what if you’re in a situation such as visiting a betch bestie at her college and you end up having a hook up with a guy there.. one night stand? casual hook up?? #confused

    Posted on Reply
  30. Anonymous says:

    Thanks for the advice.. I didn’t think it was too long, kept me captivated the whole time.

    Posted on Reply
  31. SpartanBetch says:

    I actually quite appreciated this… well done!

    Posted on Reply
  32. Anonymous says:

    Perfect! Very insightful, Head Pro!

    Posted on Reply
  33. meh says:

    A) you sound like an, idk #685029 possible gay bro. 2) You have to factor in vacation sex. D) sometimes you just want to get fucked

    Posted on Reply
    • jessi says:

      well you sound like a moron so there you are. head pro, nice work. clean, refreshing, and shockingly insightful verbiage. but really, who does say craw? my dad maybe.

      Posted on Reply
  34. betchintraining says:

    This is enlightening Head Pro. Keep up! seriously! Looking forwards to more!!!!

    Posted on Reply
  35. Inspiration for this article says:

    As the person who actually wrote the original comment that inspired this article, I’m glad you made the distinction.  I understand why you would advise betches against casually boning some douche they just met, and I’m glad you clarified.  But I’m totally going to hook up with that guy from my econ class.  Like…yolo.

    Hugz N Kissez,
    Someone who has a lot of sex with randos.  Probably.

    Posted on Reply
  36. biotch says:

    loved this. so true for girls too. on point, bro.

    Posted on Reply
  37. actuallyliterate says:

    To the people actually complaining about the length of this:
    Just because you’re incapable of reading something longer than a fb update doesn’t mean this was overdone.  I’m just really sorry for anyone who needs to pop an addy just to get through a single article.

    Posted on Reply
  38. snaps says:

    I know as a pro they won’t mean as much to you but… Snaps to this. Seriously true and important distinction that makes the whole difference and actually impressive writing. More more more.

    Posted on Reply
  39. ED_notanED says:

    LOLCATZ @ the complaints about this being too long. Betches are not shallow fuckheads that refuse to read anything longer than the “50 Hottest Positions” in Cosmo. Stupid girl.

    Anyways, snaps for Head Pro. Liked this piece almost as much as this week’s Sexts & Subtexts. Wait, scratch that - definitely was a draw.

    Posted on Reply
  40. contrite says:

    This was magnificent. Really. Thank you so much for writing it.

    Posted on Reply
  41. melbetch says:

    ... they breathe, that’s what the hole’s for… greatness.

    Posted on Reply
  42. anon says:

    loved it!

    Posted on Reply
  43. Megara says:

    This piece is fantastic and accurate on almost all terms. Girls can totally get ourselves off. The mutual exchange/experience is what we’re all looking for.

    Posted on Reply
  44. boredofhandsbetch says:

    To those who say masturbation serves the same purpose as sex: you clearly haven’t had good sex yet. (And that includes you, Head Pro… imagine an incredible blowjob vs. your hand. Still say hand is just as good?!)

    Posted on Reply
  45. yes says:

    Head Pro, you are the only reason I come to this site.

    Posted on Reply
  46. Jamie says:

    this was so well done! very intelligent and well-handled.

    Posted on Reply
  47. Prosneedlovetoo says:

    Good to hear that one night stands are awkward for guys just as much as girls. Maybe there are a still some people who actually believe in dating!!

    Posted on Reply
  48. Procrastinating Betch says:

    They don’t call you the Head Pro for nothing.
    Thanks for the good read. Post-finals sex with my fuck buddy sounds even better now.

    Posted on Reply
  49. carless betch says:

    loved it. thats why your the head pro and none of these betches are

    Posted on Reply
  50. lawschoolbetch says:

    nailed it head pro! love it, wish i knew you in real life

    Posted on Reply
  51. lawschool betch says:

    nailed it head pro love it! suprisingly profound, given the topic. you’re awesome wish i knew you in real life b/c you know whatsup

    Posted on Reply
  52. tooreal says:

    on point. for a girl slowly realizing that post break up one night stands probably aren’t the best idea this is exactly what i needed.

    Posted on Reply
  53. lina says:

    Spot on about the shame and regret. I had a one nighter last night and feel disgusting. But still better than a casual hookup. Casual hookups usually send me on an emotional roller coaster because if i know someone well enough that i would have sex with them and then see them again, its damn near impossible not to catch feelings and get that sick feeling when the guy never calls. But when its a one night stand, i might feel like shit after but at least its forgotten the next day, i have no lingering feelings or expectations that it might turn into something more. Id say either have a serious relationship or resort to your flings. Friends with benefits are always complicated.

    Posted on Reply
  54. betchh says:

    spot on! Good going.

    Posted on Reply
  55. That's not a joke? says:

    You have to be joking me if you are commenting on this to complain that is it “too long”... it’s not a fucking novel, nor do you have something more important to be doing for the 3 1/2 minutes it takes to read this “article”... do yourself a favor and learn how to read something longer than a tweet, and then go and make yourself useful, or at least less fucking brain dead.
    Head Pro, I usually think you are just some mid-20’s ex-frat bro trying to sustain his “too cool” lifestyle by pretending to be the savior of all the confused/lonely/drunk “betches” on this site. Side note: I had no idea that straight men use the word “bestie” until i read this.
    Anyway, while I had assumed this article would be filled with the things I hate, such as further instilling the double standard for one night stands, or worse, just some frat bro bragging about all the times he has had one, I appreciated the fact that these assumptions did not actually turn out to be true. The mutual respect and preference of a casual hookup is refreshing… and if someone like you would admit that, then it must be true.

    Posted on Reply
  56. betchesnfries says:

    head pro, i’m really impressed with this thought out answer, especially when you say you feel bad if “I feel like I had to have been kinda sorta rape-y.” that’s some smart shit. my only qualm is that not everyone is so caring. sometimes it’s easier for a betch to fuck a stranger than have that bro avoid her ‘sup nod’ in econ class for the rest of the semester.

    Posted on Reply
  57. perfect says:

    thank you. really though.

    Posted on Reply
  58. el says:

    i think you might be wrong about girls not getting as much out of masturbation as guys do. if you consider the fact that the solely vaginal orgasm is a myth, it’s pretty self-explanatory that girls often enjoy masturbation even more than sex, in terms purely of sexual satisfaction.
    but otherwise, totally agree!

    Posted on Reply
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