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By The Head Pro on

 

Surprisingly enough (to me at least), I don’t get a whole lot in the way of questions about body types or what bros consider “perfect.” Maybe it’s because asking the question means taking stock of your own shortcomings (which no one wants to do), or maybe it’s because girls assume that every guy has the same fantasy: 5’8”, tan, blonde, with huge boobs, a drum-tight ass, and a BMI that somehow hovers around 15%. And in one sense that’s correct, no bro is going to willfully turn that down. But it’s also incomplete. Bros have a complicated relationship with your body and attractiveness in general, and rather than answer directly the few questions on the subject that I do get, I’ve elected to tackle the broader issue in a format that will hopefully make me some fucking money in the future (Are you reading, Simon & Schuster? I know you are.)

RATING SCALES

The problem with asking what bros "look for" is that we operate on a few different scales that are at odds with one another. The first, most primitive, and most often implemented measure is what I call the binary scale. It’s simple – would you fuck her, yes or no? It has a kind of elegance to it because it's simple. This is the kind of evaluation system you see applied at 3AM as a party is closing down and you’re looking to get your D wet. It’s not ideal, but it’s effective. Look at that girl. Would you fuck her? Cool, go lay some pipe.

The 1-10 Scale: If we drill down another layer, we get to the much-publicized but massively overrated 1-10 system. Basically, a 1 is someone Patrick Bateman wouldn’t fuck with an actual jackhammer, and a 10 is someone for whom you’d sell your mother into sexual slavery if it meant having a conversation about licking her armpit. It’s great, and all guys use it, but it has its faults, one being that it’s not linear. The difference between a 1 and a 2 is negligible, but the difference between an 8 and a 10 is bigger than the difference between a 1 and a 7. That makes it subjective and therefore flawed. As a bro, you may have a girl in your econ class who is, relative to everyone you know, perfect. Does that make her a 10? If so, what about Candice Swanepoel? Candice, in addition to being a Victoria’s Secret model and a person who will not stop fucking texting me, is built like a female comic book character specifically designed to make nerds compulsively choke their chickens. She is about as close to objectively perfect as it gets. So if that girl in your econ class is a 10, where does that leave Candice? There’s no such thing as an 11. That’s the problem with the 1-10 scale. It’s usually only applied to women whom you admire from afar. Ask a bro to give his girlfriend a number and see how that goes.

WHAT BROS THINK IS HOT

The problem I think a lot of girls have when evaluating their own bodies is that they look to the media for a measuring stick. Any professionally produced still image of a model or actress is going to be edited to the point of un-reality. Considering there’s money involved, why wouldn’t they? Everyone knows that the camera really does add a good 10 lbs (except on instagram where girls can look misleadingly hot).

In real life, actresses who look great on film are actually way skinnier than you think, often to the point of being unattractive. For example, Jennifer Lawrence, Hollywood’s “it” girl of the moment, gets a lot of attention for her body. Some people say she’s “too fat” to play certain roles, while others applaud her for making it as an actress with a “real woman’s body.” Please. In real life, Jennifer Lawrence is hot as fuck. She’s hotter than you or anyone you know, and the only thing “real” about her is how passionately I’d hump her if she’d just lift the fucking restraining order and give me a chance.

Physical beauty has always been the manifestation of what we consider healthy. There was a time when it was hot to be pale and chubby because it meant you had money for food and didn’t work outside as a field hand. Now things are a little different in that thin is considered the true ideal, but not without its fair share of backlash against the Vogue models who promote "an unhealthy body image by being too thin." Maybe, but that's your own insecurity to handle, because in reality, bros' expectations are not so skeletal.

In real life, as cheesy as it sounds, a girl is hottest when she’s the best, healthiest version of herself, the same way everyone looks best with their natural hair color. Guys aren’t complete retards, and we intrinsically know when a girl is at odds with her body. If a girl’s a little "heavier" but it looks “right” (i.e., Jennifer Lawrence) that’s better than someone who’s starved themselves to an unnatural weight. It’s the same for someone who is what others might call “too skinny” but is just naturally that way.

Now look at Candice and her clingy VS model friends - sure they’re skinny as shit, but they still have boobs, asses, and muscles. The problem with walking that razor-thin line in the middle of course is that it’s much easier to go to either extreme, which no one wants. Let’s explore those.

TOO SKINNY

I know Kate Moss holds a high position in betch mythology, but no one wants to fuck a walking clothes hanger. No one wants to see your spinal column. It’s bad enough that you all owe us a rib, so walking around with them on display is just rubbing it in. The appearance of fertility is a hard-wired measure of attractiveness, and a girl with her hip bones poking out doesn’t look like she could have a solid bowel movement, let alone a fucking baby.

Then of course there’s the phenomenon known as “skinny fat”, when girls forget that when you lose a bunch of body fat, something should take its place. There’s nothing grosser than a girl who’s 5’8” and 115 lbs but has a droopy old man ass. I know it’s easy to just not eat, but it’s no good if you eat so little that you’re too weak to pick up a weight every once in a while.

TOO FAT

If you call yourself “curvy” but are really just one big curve, yeah you’re probably too fat, both from an attractiveness and a health standpoint. The mistake most girls make is that there’s probably a lot more leeway here than you think. Most guys are pretty into hips and boobs and butts, and if you have those things by virtue of a little extra padding that’s fine. I’ll let you in on a little secret: squishy things feel good. Most guys would rather sleep next to something soft than cower in fear because they worry your elbows might give them puncture wounds. Curves create a figure, which is sexy. That’s why VS models are hot and couture runway models are not. Still, that’s not an invitation to go apeshit at Five Guys. Stomach squishes in a little when you poke it with your finger? Fine. Stomach hangs over any time you try to wear something below your belly button? Hit the gym.

HOW DOES ATTRACTIVENESS MATTER FOR DATING?

Um, a lot, weird omnipotent voice asking questions in the headers. It’s just that being hot doesn’t necessarily lead to attraction. Think about just about every love song you’ve ever heard sung by a man, or the girls you hear guys talking about in your class or office. What do they have in common? In most cases men aren’t singing about or gawking over their wives or girlfriends, but women they don’t know, ones they think they want but can’t have. That’s because while there’s such a thing as being too ugly to love, there’s no such thing as a woman who’s too hot to be annoying or eventually intolerable. That’s why we fantasize over models/actresses/girls we don't know, because they may as well not be real, since we'll never get to see how high maintenance and annoying they really are. We’ll never have to deal with them bitching about their skin breaking out, agonizing over what to wear, or whining about their weight. As long as they remain at a distance, they’re as perfect as we want them to be.

In real life attractiveness is huge, but no one’s going around assigning numeric values to girls and ranking them like a sorority hopeful on pref night. Instead, people tend to date those they view as at least equal to themselves in terms of physical beauty. Everyone knows or has at least seen a couple where one person is a total smokeshow while the other looks like they hide under bridges and lick the bottom of peoples’ feet when they walk by. You wonder how, but it’s simple. The hot one has terrible self esteem, and the ugly one thinks they’re hot shit. And you know what? As long as their personalities agree with one another, the two of them can be perfectly happy that way.

When it comes down to it, hotness takes a backseat to agreeableness. Every guy I know would rather spend a lifetime with an attractive enough girl who’s awesome to be around than 20 minutes with a physically stunning girl who’s an insufferable bitch. Beauty also fades. Unless you grew up fat, you’ll never look as good at 25 as you did at 18. Bros know that. That’s why when you send me an email saying you’re sooooo hot but no guys will talk to you, I laugh. You may be hot, but above all you’re oblivious. A hot girl with no personality is like a Ferrari with no engine: Beautiful but useless. Also like a Ferrari with no engine, a bro might stick his dick in your tailpipe, but he’s not going to want to stick around for very long. Maybe this wasn’t the best metaphor to use.

There’s nothing wrong with being hot and owning it. In fact, that just adds to the seven-layer dip of sexiness. But again, the hottest (and not inconsequently) coolest girls are the ones who know who they are, know what they’ve got, and present it in the best way possible. Unlike Candice, who’s so insecure I’m considering changing my phone number.

63 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. i think says:

    this is the first intelligent article I have read on this website.

    Posted on Reply
    • ugh says:

      shut the fuck up betch

      Posted on Reply
    • ha says:

      sooo you’ve just been wasting your time reading unintelligent articles for the fun of it until you finallyyyy came across an intelligent one?? obviously not. the other articles are hilarious and satirical while this one is informative and meant to be taken seriously. stop trying to flirt with the PRO

      Posted on Reply
      • good god says:

        why are you so obsessed with him? chill the fuck out both of you she’s right (and so are you to a point so don’t have a coronary). the other ones are hysterical, and this one is also funny but at the same time proves that head pro is actually a good writer and (wow weird to say this) but actually a good, intelligent guy. interesting.

        Posted on Reply
  2. CV says:

    Love all of this except for the natural hair color comment. I’ve been coloring my hair since high school because it’s the color of dried mud, and every color I’ve dyed it looks at least 20 times better.

    Posted on Reply
    • hey it's ok says:

      candice swanepoel dyes her hair too

      Posted on Reply
  3. Kristen says:

    “It’s bad enough that you all owe us a rib, so walking around with them on display is just rubbing it in.”

    I laughed so hard I spit out my coffee.

    Thoroughly enjoyed this post I have to say, well done. But I’ll fight you for Jennifer Lawrence. I’d turn for that girl, seriously.

    Posted on Reply
  4. i'm in love with head pro says:

    your propinion pieces are spot on (along with everything else you wrote on this site).

    Posted on Reply
  5. curvy betch says:

    love the Adam and Eve reference!
    Jennifer Lawrence is stunning!

    Posted on Reply
  6. E says:

    Strong words, just what teenagers need to read! Passing it on to my daughters and friends. And yes, Jennifer Lawrence is stunning!

    Posted on Reply
    • KJ says:

      Thank you!  That bothered me too haha.

      Posted on Reply
  7. Your Name says:

    “Unless you grew up fat, you’ll never look as good at 25 as you did at 18.”

    what the fuck? you should look BETTER

    and lol @ you saying VS models are curvy… like that’s the standard for a nice curvy girl you used. jennifer lawrence- okay. VS models- hot but don’t fool yourself. they are WAY thin.

    Posted on Reply
    • VS BETCH says:

      victoria secret models are the epitome of perfection…. they ARE curvy, not fat…

      Posted on Reply
      • ? says:

        nobody said they were fat…they obvs arent retard

        Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      agreeeeeed thats the part I died at

      Posted on Reply
  8. Your Name says:

    a lot of the prettiest girls i know have gotten better looking the older they’ve gotten though…. you get to know yourself, your style and your strengths better.

    Posted on Reply
    • X says:

      guys too!!

      Posted on Reply
  9. Betchin says:

    This was really well thought-out, and accurate according to most of the guys I’ve spoken to about what they look for in body type. Dumb or annoying bitches seem to take a definite hit in value after 20 minutes even if they’re beyond sexy.

    That said, and this doesn’t have to do with her body weight (though she is a bit heavy for my taste) I do not think Jennifer Lawrence is hot! Is this just me?? I honestly don’t get what all the fuss is about- she just doesn’t seem that pretty to me, and that’s WITH the assistance of a stylist, hair and makeup artists. If she was a normal girl and I saw her in a mall, I literally wouldn’t look at her twice. Am I blind or something?

    Posted on Reply
  10. wait wait says:

    the 18 to 25 comment is frightening.. surely the downhill process doesn’t start that soon.

    Posted on Reply
      • Your Name says:

        its not even necessarily about wrinkles…sometimes the structure of your face changes or you lose baby fat and your face will get more angular and have less of the the expected softness. I’m 21 and even though my body looks better than it ever has and I have my hair/make-up shit completely figured out I don’t think I’m as pretty as I was a few years ago.

        Posted on Reply
  11. R says:

    ugh, really? jennifer lawrence is not “heavier”...well, heavier than a tissue, maybe, but not “heavier” compared to the average woman. it’s annoying to hear celebs who are thin referred to as “curvy” or “full-figured” just because their ribs aren’t sticking out. she’s def THIN and probably wears a size 6 at most! sorry, but size 6 is not “full-figured”—it’s slender.

    Posted on Reply
    • Sizes says:

      No one should compare themselves to the “average woman,” because the average woman in America is about a size 14 and around 5"4. Sorry, but that is not the healthiest and best for 99% of women, and let’s stop pretending it is. Excuses, excuses.

      Aiming for average should never be the goal in most things, anyway.

      Posted on Reply
      • TXbetch says:

        Amen.  “Real women”, meaning “regular” or “average”, is not ideal!  I agree that rail thin is not good (I had a childhood friend who died of anorexia last year), but we’re literally killing ourselves by getting to lenient and accepting about heavy weight.  It might boost self esteem and happiness in the short term, but it doesn’t do any favors to people who will inevitably have health problems down the road.  See a doctor.  That’s the only person who should tell you whether you’re the “right” size or not!!

        Posted on Reply
      • addie says:

        Exactly, and 42% of Americans are overweight or obese. The BMI scale is also fucked up and doesn’t take into account body frame (hence why it essentially says I am starving at a 17)

        Posted on Reply
  12. Betch says:

    Candice really is the most perfectly constructed human being alive.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Basically says:

    Curvy is the new skinny according to everyone. Girls who enjoy food and don’t give a fuck what a guy thinks will be the one who gets the guy. Why? Cause that means the girl has confidence and a appetite. What guy can resist that?  Every guy including my current boyfriend always tells me how great I am for that. I pick the best restaurants in the city and get wined and dined like its my job.

    Disclamer: I work out and have a killer personality. Work on it.

    Posted on Reply
    • No says:

      If you have to say you have a ‘killer personality’, you don’t.

      Posted on Reply
    • no one cares says:

      like honestly though. why do you feel like you have to tell a bunch of strangers that even though you’re curvy it’s okay because your bf thinks you’re hot? Sorry I don’t buy it but hey, have fun with that killer personality.

      Posted on Reply
  14. wait says:

    I didn’t realize jennifer lawrence was considered too curvy. I’m skinny but I would totally trade with her cause she actually has boobs!

    Posted on Reply
  15. carlyheh says:

    Love the pro for telling it like it is! Hilarious as usual but also genuine insight

    Posted on Reply
  16. katie says:

    I loved this. thank you for making me feel like I’m not horrendously fat for a few minutes today.

    Posted on Reply
  17. petite says:

    what about petite more athletic looking girls?

    Posted on Reply
  18. N says:

    The 18 to 25 comment definitely isn’t true. So many actresses/etc look so much better at 30 than in their 20’s.

    Posted on Reply
  19. Come on says:

    Kinda pathetic that pro wrote this piece and the only thing people are talking about is whether Jennifer is fat and how they don’t think they will age at 25. Honestly there’s a bigger point here and thats that girls should aim to look the best they can and not aim to be model-thin for guys. Stop freaking out about petty shit. Please.

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      ^^^^^ truth right here

      Posted on Reply
  20. petitebetch says:

    what about girls more athletic looking who are shorter?

    Posted on Reply
  21. Anon says:

    Best PROpinion piece yet

    Posted on Reply
  22. Ivy says:

    If I was with Simon & Schuster I’d totally hire you (as long as you changed your author photo, lol).

    Posted on Reply
    • 80s movies says:

      if you don’t understand head pro’s author photo, watch pretty in pink. steff is the epitome of a comical brat betch but in man form

      Posted on Reply
  23. ivy betch says:

    this was fantastic, thank you

    Posted on Reply
  24. Maya says:

    This is really valuable advice. And I know how you feel Candace; Francisco Lachowski is being sooo clingy

    Posted on Reply
  25. fantastic says:

    wow! one of the best articles I have read on this site. Love it.

    Posted on Reply
  26. betchasketch says:

    this is stupid. when did betch stop being funny and become so serious? if i wanted to read about healthy body images, i’d read a fitness magazine. fire this writer.

    Posted on Reply
  27. fi says:

    Been meaning to ask you about this for ages HP. Your answer was exactly what i thought it would be… because it’s right. But thank for verifying exactly how perfect I am for me wink Such a smart man. xoxox

    Posted on Reply
  28. Dontthinkso. says:

    Enjoyable post. The 18 vs 25 y/o comment is troubling as I have recently departed the coveted 18-24 age bracket. I’d disagree if I wasn’t considering how horrendous I look after a hangover these days compared to waking up fresh as a fucking daisy on a strangers couch after a Dave Matthews/maroon 5 concert summer after hs graduation.

    Also *cringe* at the “in the old days you were a babe if you were fat because that meant Poppa was so rich you could stuff yourself with all the turkey legs you can handle” reference…. Almost as annoying as when people try to tell you if you were in Hitlers Germany that you totally would be a nazi too.

    Posted on Reply
  29. wait, what? says:

    Is Jennifer Lawrence curvy?  Then what the hell is normal?

    Posted on Reply
  30. Noel says:

    “Unless you grew up fat, you’ll never look as good at 25 as you did at 18.”

    I beg to differ…

    Posted on Reply
  31. Am says:

    I really liked this piece!

    Posted on Reply
  32. so true says:

    So true with the photoshop. When I read Vogue I’m like, fuck, I think I want some plastic surgery. But then when I am walking around in like, life… I’m like, fuck. I am the hottest girl I have seen for miles.

    Posted on Reply
  33. Doll says:

    This is a great article, honest (Candice is hot as fuck) and also realistic. And nice to know someone on site is educated, cultured and intelligent.

    Posted on Reply
  34. Ivy says:

    Okay, that weird picture has been haunting me all week. It looks like somebody totally detached Candice’s torso and stuck it like 6 inches lower than it should be.

    Posted on Reply
  35. heather1 says:

    “A BMI that somehow hovers around 15%” : I had no idea that the body mass INDEX was a percentage! Thank you body expert for your insights!

    Posted on Reply
  36. btw says:

    the picture of the too skinny girl all the way on the right (magdalena frackowiak)is a victoria secret model.

    Posted on Reply
  37. carm says:

    i know everyone is freaking out about the 18 to 25 comment, because it is one of women’s 2 weak spots: their age and their weight. while this article may have made you feel better about your body, im so sorry it doesnt give you a false sense of security about your face. you might “beg to differ” but think about every kegger you have ever been to in college as well as high school: which girls did the hottest athletes/frat boys/preppies go for? yeah, the freshman, not the juniors or seniors. men tend to think younger is better, get used to it. but on a positive note, the older you get the more secure you should become to the point that you stop giving a fuck about what guys think.

    Posted on Reply
  38. Your Name says:

    i’ve been working with girls who have eating disorders and even suffered from one myself and for the most part i can say this is a really good article. it’s brutally honest which is sometimes what we need to hear. but people need to understand that there’s not one body type for everyone and as long as you exercise and eat healthily (for the most part) you’ll look hot as fuck

    Posted on Reply
  39. 44444 says:

    these articles keep me going in life.
    they’re hilarious

    Posted on Reply
  40. Wow says:

    What. The. Fuck. Am I the only one on here that sees the contradictions here? This is the dumbest shit I’ve ever read…ever. It’s like “Guys like women who are natural and cool and body type isn’t everything….as long as you’re like a VS model or Jennifer Lawrence!” not too skinny, not too fat, perfect muscle mass and you have to have boobs AND an ass! The article starts out with promise, like hey there are varying degrees of attraction and not everyone has to look a certain way…but then it ends up telling us there’s really just one hot body type… Does nobody see the problem with the women pictured under “Too Fat”? THOSE ARE NORMAL WOMEN. THAT IS WHAT NORMAL WOMEN LOOK LIKE!!! You want a woman with curves? I’m sorry but that’s what they look like. The VS models and the “curvier” ( I laugh) celebrities are famous because of their bodies. You want a woman who’s not too skinny and not too fat and healthy and glowing and muscular? Unless you are a fucking celebrity yourself, look at the women pictured under “Too Fat”. That’s how a healthy woman with curves in real life looks. Fuck you Head Pro for trying to define beauty for women and ending up putting us in the same tiny box as every other single media source. Way to go.

    Posted on Reply
    • The Head Pro says:

      I feel like I was pretty clear that VS models represent a platonic ideal for female beauty, but aren’t necessarily the standard to which normal people should hold themselves. Saying that some women are as close as possible to objectively perfect isn’t the same as saying there’s only “one hot body type.”

      I don’t pick the images they use for the articles, but the women pictured under the “too fat” header? Guess what - they’re too fucking fat. Just because something is “average” doesn’t make it a good thing. I’m not picking on women, people in general are too fucking fat. Something like two-thirds of the country is clinically overweight, as in not at a weight that’s healthy or optimal. Is that the kind of “normal” or “average” we should strive for? I’m not saying that there aren’t lots of people with weight issues that are beyond their control, or that people who aren’t their ideal weight should feel less than human.

      You, nor anyone else, gets to decide what defines “curvy” to the rest of the world (thereby making any interpretation that isn’t yours incorrect) in order to suit your own personal narrative. All I’m trying to do here is, as best I can, convey how men typically think about the subject.

      If you look like, and identify with, the women in that picture and that’s where your body lives with a reasonable diet and activity level, then great - own it. Just don’t rationalize having that extra doughnut because you can say “fuck it, this is what a ‘normal’ woman looks like, anyway.”

      Posted on Reply
  41. T says:

    Sorry but a VS model isn’t curvy, not even close! Sofia Vergara is curvy, Beyonce is curvy, Scarlett Johansson is curvy! A VS model, although they have some nice figures, are not curvy! You know how you talk about how bigger girls shouldn’t call themselves curvy when they are not, skinny girls shouldn’t either…..

    Posted on Reply
  42. hc says:

    Why is Jennifer Lawrence the standard for a “heavier” girl??? That is ridiculous

    Posted on Reply
  43. wow says:

    you truly think those models are too fat? haha come on, that’s bullshit. they have amazing proportions and are hot as shit. i would call a few of those models fat, but i’m not scared of that word like you seem to be. i think people can be hot and fat.

    don’t tell yourself you’re getting sensitive bro points for conceding that WOW jennifer lawrence is like on the LESS skinny side of SKINNY and OMG WEIRD you’d still totally fuck her. you don’t get a special nice bro cookie for wanting to fuck jennifer lawrence and saying kate moss is gross. pieces of plywood are pretty skinny too, why don’t you go fuck them.

    those women who you said were “too fat” are hot as shit. dudes who seem so militantly focused on ideal body types for women usually have issues with their own masculinity.

    whatever, anyway, this isn’t worth more of my time, you write an advice column for a fading web site that makes pretense of being satire, but clearly doesn’t have a fucking clue what “satire” actually means. i bet you’ve been in a harlem shake video, lol.

    like nicki minaj says “i got a big fat ass, big dicks follow.” sorry yr dick is scared bruh :(

    Posted on Reply
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