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By The Betches on

We’ve already established that #77 shopping is one of the betchiest pastimes, alongside getting biweekly manicures and classily drinking until you pass out. But in the realm of shopping everyone knows that online shopping is the best. Buying shit virtually may be the laziest, betchiest method of purchase ever, outside of hiring a personal shopper and importing your very own starving African child with your exact measurements to try clothes on for you. Clearly online shopping comes as naturally to betches as underarm hair does to the French.

Shopping via our macbooks means completely eliminating all the #36 work associated with this exhausting activity. You think making money is hard, try spending it. But luckily you have another option literally at your fingertips. It's like, I could actually GO to Intermix and sift through the racks while fake smiling at less attractive fellow shoppers and pretending to care what the short little high-pitched girl at the counter thinks of this multi-strap bodice blouse, or I could buy it in 3 clicks, in my underwear. We may not be able to buy happiness, but we can buy instant gratification.

Online shopping doesn't just save you time and energy, it's also a powerful de-stressor, much like yoga or yelling at your dad. The small challenge of online shopping is that you’re only as good as your taste. Not everyone is cut out for it, but the true betch has a discerning, critical eye that only comes with years of experience. We’re in tune with what works on our bodies and in our wardrobe, and we know the difference between being obsessed with the perfect item and when we’re just overcome by a trend or the model’s skinny collarbone.

true blood recapOh credit card, you are one hilarious motherfucker.

You can spot another seasoned online shopper based on her broad offhand knowledge of sizing. Like Fifty once said pre-Chelsea, we’re a seasoned fit when it comes to this shit. Parker runs big. Order a half size up in Loubs. And if you don’t know what fits you in JBrand, you’re doing life wrong.

That's not to say that this method is entirely anxiety-free. Every younger betch knows the routine of tracking your Shopbop package and racing home to get it before your parents do. At the very least, remember to give your housekeeper a head's up that if she lets any packages within your parents' lines of sight, she will be on the first Carnival cruise back to Trinidad.

As for the seasoned betch, we've been perfecting splitting shit on 4 different cards since we were tall enough to be able to reach into our dad's pocket for his wallet.

So betches, shop without dropping by cutting out the work and doing it online. It’s like taking a Xanax while simultaneously sending presents into the future to the coolest betch you know: you, in 3-5 business days.


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11 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Cristine says:

    fucking nailed it

    Posted on Reply
  2. RFTL says:

    Online shopping is the smoking habit of our generation. Always there to assist in crucial tasks like avoiding boring people, neglecting real work, and (thanks to the miracle of credit cards) delaying negative effects for years to come.

    Amen, betches.

    Posted on Reply
  3. M says:

    “Every younger betch knows the routine of tracking your Shopbop package and racing home to get it before your parents do” ahaha so true. Or making your little brother hide it from them you while your out.

    Posted on Reply
  4. hahaha says:

    online shopping while i stumbled upon this…........

    Posted on Reply
  5. lilylover says:

    posted on the first day of the lilly sale. coincidence? i think not

    Posted on Reply
    • Ew says:

      lilly pulitzer? hahahahaha

      Posted on Reply
  6. Shopping betch says:

    Great. However, you also should’ve mentioned how betches never return anything, ever, and how every betches computer screen turns to gilt at noon, no matter where she is. Best way to tell the betches (and the gays) from the nice girls in lecture.

    Posted on Reply
  7. Shopper betch says:

    Okay but you need to mention how betches never return anything they buy online, ever, and how every true betch loads gilt at 11:59 no matter where she is. Basically how you tell the betches (and the gays) from the nice girls in lecture

    Posted on Reply
    • Double Fail says:

      A true betch also knows the basics of grammar-you’d think the second time you posted a comment you’d get it right…

      Posted on Reply
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