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By The Betches on

Last night started off a little rocky, first with the lesbian gushing about how much she loves boobs, then with commencement of Jess's quarter-life-egg-crisis. But even though she bitched for the entire 20 something minutes of this episode, Jess delivered some quality lines. Like I laughed out loud...awk.

Jess: After her gynecolesbian bestie told her about the harsh realities of the declining rate of female fertility past the age of thirty, something we learned a lot about on Keeping up with the Armenians, Jess needed to immediately figure out what her ovaries were up to lately. So in the most predictable way possible Jess forced Cece to come with her to the gyno, Cece obviously was all like I'm young I'm a model idc, Jess's results were obviously perfect, and Cece's obviously were not. SHOCKER. And one more thing, when she was baby-sitting drunk Nick at the zoo... Jess WOULD talk to a rhinoceros.

But like we said, Jess's lines were pretty epic, arguably better than...dare we say it... Schmidt's.

"I'm 30 I'm single and I just started a new job. Tonight I used a bread roll to wipe butter off my face and then ate the bread roll. So I essentially used my face as a butter knife."

"I have a lot of eggs. Unfortunately I don't have a lot of sausage."

"Fertilize me Los Angeles!!"

When talking about finding a guy: "With who Nick? Who's gonna lay a flag down on this sweet sweet continent?"

"Once at a senior graduation party I sat in a very hot jacuzzi for 12 hours is there any chance I sunny side upped my eggs?"

Nick: AKA the upgraded version of the head elf from “The Santa Clause." So like Nick is kind of annoying lately, no? He's cheap, an over-the-hill bartender, always fucking complaining about shit, and can't finish a novel...about zombies. Yet all we want is for him to get together with Jess. Emotions are like, so random. PS. Nick is drunk uncle.

Winston: Many props to Winston last night for yelling at Nick for being a lazy fuck. I mean it's one thing to be lazy, but it's another to be lazy and not find a way to get your shit done. Betches don't do work, so we find people to do it for us.

“Nick, you’re not a finisher. You didn’t finish law school. The same reason you’re only 3 episodes into Downton Abbey.”

Schmidt: He spends the episode unsatisfyingly boning the mom from Spy Kids and ends up in a “sex pickle.” The inventor of the word “vagenius” realizes he’s only capable of having good sex if he’s in love. And oh look, he conveniently figures out that he's in love with Cece who, omg, needs to immediately find a man to impregnate her in order to keep the Indian race relevant in a way that doesn’t involve Verizon or Dell customer service.

On making an appointment with the lesbicologist: "Would I have to put my legs up in the stirrups? I'm asking more so out of curiosity than fear. Hashtag, excitement."

On sex with his boss: "Our bodies really made something, I feel like we brought raw manufacturing jobs back to America"

On his warm up sex move: "I call that LOSING Nemo"

Cece: Ceese deserves a section this week only because her hair looked amazing. I don't feel bad that when she was all sad that her boyfriend is not baby daddy material/he doesn't want to have kids for another ten years, I couldn't help but think ugh, I need to find her hair stylist.

Last week's recap>>

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1 Comment TALK SHIT!
  1. emj says:

    It’s the hormones. They’re not as gay as me.

    Posted on Reply
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