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By The Betches on

Last night on New Girl all of our dreams bloomed into fruition. Olivia Munn graced our screens once again (we miss you Sloan Sabbith) and Jess finally verbalized her tagline, something we've all been thinking yet haven't been able to put it in words so gracefully. Here it is: Just come to me and I'll help you keep your pants on. She actually said this and we actually feel so much better.

But seriously, Olivia Munn, you are so pretty, totally homo. But you being a stripper is about as believable as Nick having a shot with you. But I guess since you are a stripper, he gets a 

shot, ipso facto I have no idea where I'm going with this. Either way last night's episode was pretty great because Schmidt and his lines came charging back directly into the douchebag jar where he and his binder of his suits belong.

Nick:

Question, are you supposed to have Asperger's? Tourettes? Something to explain why you're painfully 

uncomfortable to watch most times? There's just no way the words "You're a whiskey girl like me" would ever come out of anyone's mouth unless they have some form of social disorder. Maybes your briefs are a little too small, oh no wait, that's Winston.

Jess and Winston:

Jess to the Winstonian: “Oh you’re a briefs man. I was hoping I’d never find out.” Samesies.

So these two basically did nothing for me this episode except fuel the little Schmidt that could. Based on their mutual desire to bathe, Jess and Winston concocted a secret plan to install a tub in the middle of the night. Sure. But that plan backfired, as most plans do, and the tub broke through the roof, because the tub was obviously on the roof, and into Schmidt's room ruining all of his suits. Brilliant because that lead to J and Dubbs pretend like they were robbed by meth-heads which lead to this:

Schmidt: They took my doctor's appointment suits, they took El Capitan.. damnit! The only thing they left was my summer suit with the lightening bolt in the back. I keep that in my summer bin along with my summer condoms, citrus flavored for a more refreshing summer experience.

Schmidt:

Despite the great suit debacle of 2012 Schmidt spent the duration of the episode trying to get Cece back. Unfortunately because his boss made him get take like 12 shots of vodka, he missed his date with Cece, and so Ceese told her mom to go ahead and set her up with an Indian bro...because Schmidt is no longer an eligible baby daddy. As Schmidt delicately put it, "she goin' brown."

On declaring his love:

Cece: You brought a pigeon into my house.
Schmidt: I couldn’t find a dove.

On a glass of wine:

Nick: Is this bathwater?
Schmidt: It might as well be, it's rosé. Burn Notice France.

On making sure that Cece knew nothing happened with his boss: "Don't worry nothing happened, she just wanted me to taste the V...that came out wrong"

“Bathtubs are medieval filth cauldrons, pass. I’m not interested in simmering in testicle tea for 20 minutes.”  - Schmidt, self explanatory.

Last week's recap>>

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6 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. MINDY says:

    Why do you not recap the Mindy Project anymore? This site is filled with wannabe betch show reviews.

    Posted on Reply
  2. tracy says:

    i’m gonna have to agree with mindy on this one and say bring back the mindy project recaps, that shit was the best

    Posted on Reply
  3. Mindy is a Betch says:

    I’m going to echo the above comments and hope that if enough of us say it, you’ll do it. Mindy recaps, please!

    Posted on Reply
  4. Omg says:

    Betches WTF recap mindy. God the lines on the show are straight out of the betch list. You recap gross shows like the bachelor ughh and mad men wtfffff

    Posted on Reply
  5. Mindyyyy says:

    Seriously those were great, I love new girl recaps but I really loved Mindy recaps!! In the episode from last week “teen patient” she had totally betchy lines!

    Posted on Reply
  6. Echo says:

    Yea, those comments probably weren’t written by the same betch or anything.

    Posted on Reply
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