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By The Betches on

Remember that first night of camp when you were ten, and you all had to go around in a circle and say your name and an adjective that started with your first initial (because apparently that’s the best way to really get to know someone). There were like four rockin’ Rachels, five super Sarahs, whatever I’m just gonna call you all Jewish Girl anyway. But then there was that one girl in the bunk who you noticed had brought like three tube-tops with her and immediately you knew she had to have an awesome made-up name like amazing Alyssone or dumbass Danyolo. That betch has an automatic leg-up, because her name was so fucking stupid that you became weirdly jealous that her parents were probably drunk when she arrived.

Having a made-up name doesn’t work for everyone. If there’s a hyphen in the middle you’re at serious risk of being perceived as some white trash slut called Misha-Lynn or like, Kandi-Lee. No fucking thanks. But if you’re lucky enough to be blessed with an awesome constellation of vowels that your foreign econ professor will definitely not be able to pronounce, you’re in the ranks of our society’s elite. I can’t imagine anything more fun than going to Starbucks and yelling at the barista because he doesn’t even know how to spell Zabrina and wrote some boughie-ass name like Sally on my soy venti iced latte instead. Just another battle in the War of the Classes.

Unfortunately, we have little control over the monikers our parents give us. If you have conservative parents they probably wanted to name you after some dead relative, because what does the world need more than another fucking Catherine Jones? But if there’s anything we’ve learned from our Armenian sisters/occasional life coaches of the Kardashian Dynasty, it’s that you can take even the most basic white name like “Courtney,” and transform it into your own unique title by replacing the C with a K. Honestly, who wants to party with a girl named Cameron when you could rage all night long with a girl named Kameron? You know that girl has an addy prescription.

If you can pull off a foreign name, you’re really reaching the peaks of betchdom. Take, for instance, my favorite ADHD squirrel-person, Shoshanna Shapiro of HBO’s Girls. She is a twofold superstar because not only does she pull off a Hebrewish name without looking like she’s the fifth of a rabbi’s twelve daughters, but she is played by a woman named Zosia, which is the fakest real name I’ve ever heard. Other qualifiers IRL include Kylie Minogue, Shania Twain, and Shailene Woodley.

For all you pregnant betches trying to determine what the best choice is for your unborn daughter or gay son, here’s my advice for choosing the perfect made-up name.

Last names as first names: Madison, Marley, McKenzie, McKayla, McAnyGirlsName

Chemistry-inspired: Xenon, Xylitol, Mercury

Nouns (usually limited to celebrities): Apple, Floor, Cablewire 

Consonant-heavy: Keighleigh, Lindzeigh, Geighlord

Random names: Just bang your fist on your keyboard and see how fate answers.

19 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. MacKenzi says:

    Remember on SATC when Charlotte wanted to name her daughter Shayla?

    Posted on Reply
  2. CS says:

    “Random names: Just bang your fist on your keyboard and see how fate answers.”

    I die. Going to name my first child Sdfkuilo now.

    Posted on Reply
  3. Well Done Betches says:

    This was fabulous. I haven’t laughed this hard in forever

    Posted on Reply
  4. Józefina says:

    Haha, Zosia is a short for Zofia (Polish for Sophie), my head was spinning when I found out about Zosia Mamet :D

    Posted on Reply
  5. vivalabetch says:

    now this is a betchy post.

    Posted on Reply
  6. savsky says:

    Yea, this one girl’s name was La-a… pronounced Ladasha. la.dash.a. Stop.

    Posted on Reply
    • yeaok says:

      My mother is a teacher in NJ she had a La-A in one of her classes I died when she told me. Like for real?

      Posted on Reply
  7. Danielah says:

    My name is Danielah smile

    Posted on Reply
    • camille says:

      wow, that’s great, tbh…

      Posted on Reply
  8. Shannon says:

    Brilliant post

    Posted on Reply
  9. Kyra says:

    never thought my weird name would be a blessing (pronounced ki-ruh)

    Posted on Reply
  10. Daisy says:

    technically a nickname for Margaret but whatever I love having a made up name

    Posted on Reply
  11. Nadja says:

    Because my parents decided “Nadia” wasn’t betchy enough so they changed the spelling, creating a totally made up name and separating me from the basics forever.

    Posted on Reply
    • AJ says:

      btw “Nadja” is the way one spells the name phonetically, it’s not exactly original. “Ja” is pronounced, “YAH” in Swedish and German.
      but you knew that…

      Posted on Reply
  12. Aaron says:

    I’m a guy, and this post is fucking awesome. I went to school with a couple of girls who had the most RIDICULOUS names in the world…
    for example…
    Abcde (yes, spelled exactly like that… )
    and my personal favorite - Female (pronounced “Femalay”)

    Posted on Reply
  13. Tatyana says:

    My name just screams bond girl.

    Posted on Reply
  14. Your Name says:

    all names are made up.

    Posted on Reply
  15. Rae says:

    Or name your child Abcde!

    Posted on Reply
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