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By The Betches on

"loveee kale!"  - every betch

In a chip or in a juice, or in a kale caes-air salad (a caesar salad drizzled with air, obvs), we're completely shocked there isn't even an official kale diet yet. Fuck the Special K challenge, betches love the Special Kale challenge.

I mean what's not to love about this trendy green that you can chew at a rate of approximately one leaf per minute? One leaf per minute = like 40 leaves per meal = skinny. 

Much like tax returns and public transportation, you probably only learned about kale after you turned 21. But when betches first became aware of kale it was pretty much the chic new grass. Now that our digestive tracts have adjusted to consuming a plant so strong the Native Americans probably used it for teepee walls, it's more like iceberg lettuce's anorexic sister. Based on taste alone, I think they meant to name it stale. But we love it just the same. It has all the qualities inherent in a betchy food. It's expensive, organic, and I'm pretty sure a poor person would assume it's pronounced like that spanish Pitbull song Dale. 

A betch will take her kale in any form. In crispy chipotle kale krunch, cinnamon kale krunch, gluten free dairy free fake vegan cheese kale...you name it, Organic Ave stocks it and will sell it to you at a completely worth it price of 20 dollars a container. That plus daily Soul Cycle means you only have to pay like 100 dollars per day to look extremely trendy on your quest to lose three pounds. In other words, a fucking bargain.

So betches, you know what to do. Be trendy. Be natural. Buy a chic blender to mix your different kales from various chic organic farms. Forget that it looks like you're eating marijuana. No one ever got fat from eating too much kale.

20 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. haha says:

    Literally came across this post while eating a kale salad. Perfect.

    Posted on Reply
  2. Kale>Everything says:

    I see arugula in that picture… And what looks like Spinach… But definitely no Kale…

    Posted on Reply
  3. ummm.. says:

    kale is not expensive. at all. just saying

    Posted on Reply
    • betchhh please says:

      well then your not eating real kale, peasant

      Posted on Reply
  4. My Iguana Reptar says:

    My iguana eats the fuck out of some Kale.  He’s a maybegaybro.

    Posted on Reply
    • um says:

      That shit looks beat, and DONT YOU KNOW that soy milk is bad for you? Also, peanut butter is for plebeians.

      Posted on Reply
      • MilkDrinkingBetch says:

        ^ Um, I’ve never heard a peanut butter being likened to plebeians before, that’s a first. But I’ll give you the latter, there’s NOTHING organic about soy milk…unless you like the man tit look on your boyfriend, keep feeding him all that estrogen. Its literally the biggest misconception that soy milk is a better replacement to real milk. Drink the real shit girls, your white teeth and bones that won’t crack by 40 will thank you.

        Posted on Reply
        • Kale queen says:

          Dairy milk actually leaches the calcium from your bones. There’s no evidence that dairy is good for your bones or prevents osteoporosis—in fact, the animal protein it contains may help cause bone loss. Your body digests calcium from green vegetables much better than dairy, and most have more calcium per calorie. There is no argument you could make that dairy is good for humans. You know what cows milk is good for? Baby cows. That’s it. And probably not even them in conventional factory farming because they’re chock full of growth hormones, antibiotics, and all of the pesticides and chemicals in the unnatural cattle feed. We are the only animal that consumes milk after nursing, and from another animal? Nope, not normal.

          Recent studies show the estrogenic effects in soy actually have no ill effect on humans’ estrogen levels because they bind to a “negative” receptor and shuts it down so estrogen levels don’t keep rising. Regardless, things like almond milk and hemp milk are better for you than soy milk.

          Posted on Reply
          • health psycho says:

            almond and help all the way, thank ya kale queen. so many morons don’t understand the dangers of dairy. just like wheat, it’s super inflammatory… if you don’t believe me, do a weeklong raw organic vegan juice cleanse and then come back and tell me you miss wheat and dairy. i guarantee you won’t if you do the right cleanse.

            Posted on Reply
  5. why says:

    I just don’t understand why kale is on this list before avocados. Avocados have been betchy since before this list was created.

    Posted on Reply
        • chilll says:

          pop a xany bitchhhh

          Posted on Reply
      • you're a moron says:

        every super-fit fitness/yoga instructor and PT i’ve ever had in my 22 years has told me avo’s are a staple in their diets. the healthy fats in avocados and coconut oil are good for you and help to burn your belly fat. if you knew anything about food science you wouldn’t say “fatty food is for peasants”. stuffing your face with guac is for peasants. eating processed fatty chips is for peasants. slicing avocado on top of your kale salad is absolutely not for peasants. like are you living in the 90s when everyone was stupidly obsessed w/ low fat high carb diets?? sad.

        Posted on Reply
  6. WholeFoodsBetch says:

    Over the summer, I had kale for every meal that wasn’t sushi. Occasionally I threw some protein on there. Plus an hour of working out every day. Best shape of my life, glowing, felt great, slept well, never needed coffee, never got sick.
    Bottom line: kale is a miracle food.

    Posted on Reply
  7. Gogd says:

    On what planet is kale expensive?

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonsies says:

    Did one you betches write “The Chic Diet”...?

    Posted on Reply
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