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By The Betches on

PR girls majored in him. He’s dead to at least a few people. You don’t need a JP Morgan access pass to find him, but you will need to prepare for a sense of entitlement that makes him the closest thing to husband material since Scott Disick came out as straight. Though we’ve already established that betches love a bro who went #62 pro, we’d like to take a moment to talk about a special kind of professional that’s near and dear to our bar tab: The Investment Banker (IB).

The IB we speak of is specific. He’s not a first year analyst, because that’s like the equivalent of fucking a college freshman. No betch wants to be seen next to a Men’s Warehouse summer sale. If the suit fits and is designer, it’s probably the kind of IB we’re entertaining. He’s a seasoned pro who's figured out how to spend his expendable income (on you) and only checks his watch to make sure it’s still a Rolex. His apartment is almost too organized to function, and his closet looks like it has items we might even borrow. They called him anal boy in college ‘cause he was neat aaaaand orderly'.

Though we’re not interested in what he does while he’s at work, we’ve accidentally internalized enough to know what’s going on. The IB works craaaaazy long hours cracking jokes about the Euro, trading his soul on the stock market, showing off his antique Blackberry, comparing the subtle differences between eggshell and bone business cards with other IBs, and expensing dates at Hakkasan. He usually takes on one or two summer interns... from places like Michael Kors. 

Everybody knows that the way to a betch’s heart is through the shady shadows of subtexts and coke-dicks. These pros wrote the fucking book on spinning major crises to make them seem like a minor blip on the radar. His second family in Westchester is about as big of a deal to him as the subprime mortgage crisis of 2007. I meannnn, these guys work for the assholes that casually privatized water in Bolivia. That’s hot.

Betches can get with the IB for a lot of reasons. Because he’s naturally competitive, he works out like he’s training for more than a lifetime desk job making tens of millions and obviously, he pursues us. He wouldn’t have been allowed to touch us six years ago, so he had plenty of time to perfect his mind game and keeps us interested. He’s 25 for at least ten years and parties like it by clubbing at Lavo with his IB besties, read: a mixed bag of inappropriately old/married men and the younger bros he does coke with. Plus, he's into the fact that we’re high maintenance because so is he. Like, he understands the importance of a 10-step skin routine and gets it when we say 600 fucking thread count, sateen weave or you can’t fucking sleep with us.

If we do sleep with him, he’ll probably thank us in the morning. And before we can be so over it we'll never be under it again, he offers to call us a car service to aid in our getting the fuck out.  We are attracted to the fact that he is as disinterested in us as we are in him. He really gets me. We like, don’t even talk in the morning.

The bottom line is that, just like actors are deep down just annoying fucking theater kids, when betches see past their tailored suits, SAB-like arrogance and black Amex, investment bankers are just nerds who can’t believe they’re finally talking to us. Cut to him refreshing his Facebook page, waiting for our friend confirmation to “Baby You’re A Rich Man” by The Beatles. It’s like that lawyer from The Office said to Zuck, IBs aren’t assholes. They’re just trying so hard to be.


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26 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Lauren says:

    Betch perfection. I am dyinggg.

    Posted on Reply
  2. ironic says:

    just met an investment banker the day before 4th of July. He’s cool and super hot, and maybe cause I’m sexy as fuck (well, obviously) he invited me to his 4th of july party and we had a weekend long rondevu Hamptons.  shockingly, he still talks to me today

    moral of the story- not all investment bankers are weird ass nerds. Definitely husband material and most importantly knows how to take control. Don’t give up on one until you know its acutally donzo

    xo IB lover

    Posted on Reply
    • jrd says:

      betch don’t use words you can’t spell *rendez-vous

      Posted on Reply
      • haha says:

        CLEARLY the story was thrown off by the lack of knowledge for french linguistics. something about the hamptons and banging a hot IB all weekend right?

        Posted on Reply
  3. Former JP Morgan Betch says:

    This is perfect. Mr. JP Morgan and I just split up, but I’m so tempted to send this to him…

    And for the record, he prefers eggshell to bone. He told me on the second date.

    Posted on Reply
    • From great to the greatest (sorry Dan) says:

      Betch, listen to this: Broke up with my JP Morgan love last month.  Most romantic, high-living two years of my life. Mix in supreme intelligence with money, good looks, boats and country-clubbing… and I was one happy girl. Warning: They are IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND. Like, hire a detective or something.

      It’s ok that we’re over. I knew it was time to move on, to upgrade. That can mean only one thing: Goldman Sachs.  Luckily I have a mutual connection that set us up. He’s better, more handsome, funnier, richer. (the intelligence is a little intimidating, but whatever, I have Vodka.)

      Posted on Reply
  4. A says:

    Rendezvous… Real betches know French from our days at private school duh. Plus, you know we don’t speak Mexican

    Posted on Reply
    • Ew says:

      Betches aren’t openly racist. Like fucking duh, we have class. No harkness table discussions for you. K, bye.

      Posted on Reply
  5. Perfection says:

    Loved the American Psycho reference!

    Posted on Reply
  6. ak says:

    ahhah “rondevu”? seriously?

    Posted on Reply
  7. So true! says:

    I’m marrying a JP Morgan IB…he has the body of an adonis, expensive dates in NYC, big perfect rock…best part is, he will only move up and continue supporting me! You hit the nail on the head betches! Great job!

    Posted on Reply
  8. AngryPatBateman says:

    Thanks for the plug, ladies.

    Don’t wear that outfit again.

    -Patrick Bateman

    Posted on Reply
  9. fyi says:

    JP Morgan, how quaint!

    But really, Goldman Sachs. Fucking duh.
    Any betch worth her salt knows that.

    Posted on Reply
  10. RainMaker says:


    Pick you up at 8, wear the black dress with the cut down the side, and please leave your panties at home.

    -Investment Banker

    Posted on Reply
  11. fyi2 says:

    re: the ‘about a betch’ page. Louis XIV was neither overthrown nor beheaded, he rocked that crown to his death and passed it on to his son. I suppose this makes your argument better. Too bad nothing could make this site less vapid.

    Posted on Reply
  12. BSD says:

    Sorry ladies, Investment Bankers don’t love you back. We’ll stick to vapid models and “society” women who are infinitely more attractive and much less talkative and annoying.

    Posted on Reply
    • AM says:

      I meannn… the aloof asshole is a hard sell in the betcheslovethis comment section.

      As far as I can tell, time spent writing about models is time not spent inside of them. Unless, you know, the blog can’t wait till later.

      Posted on Reply
  13. PE says:

    Every betch knows it’s about PE, IB is soooo 2008.

    Posted on Reply
  14. Tsb says:

    Look at the subtle off white coloring, the tasteful thickness of it. Oh my God, it even has a watermark.

    Posted on Reply
  15. Banker says:

    You want a JP IB over a Goldman IB. JP Morgan is the largest bank, Goldman Sachs is 5th. But then again, you said it yourself, betches aren’t intelligent.

    Posted on Reply
    • GoldmanGirl says:

      That’s exactly why you want a GS IB. Goldman is smaller and thus *more elite*. If you’re going for an IB, go for the gold, betch.

      Posted on Reply
  16. K says:

    Betches c’mon, hedge fund managers trump all!

    Posted on Reply
  17. M says:

    I’m pretty sure this is entirely based on American Psycho.

    Posted on Reply
  18. FUTURE PRO says:


    Posted on Reply
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