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By The Head Pro on

Dear Head Pro,

So I've been reading this website for as long as I can remember, and I've obvi read "Nice is Just a Place in France" as well. I try to follow all of the advice that applies to me, but I've found that it doesn't work as well as I wish it did when it comes to one specific type of bro: my college's football team.

Overall, they're a good looking group of future pros. They're worshipped on campus (we have a good team), and they think they have all the power in all situations. Especially with girls. I've hooked up with a few (not fucking, no worries, and my friends on the football team have assured me none of them have talked shit about me in the locker room), and "winning the game" just doesn't seem to work with them. No one is too above the betches’ advice, right? Before I hooked up with any, we would be talking for awhile and they definitely pursued it from me. I just don't understand what has to be done differently with football bros, or college athletes in general. How do you win the game with a guy who thinks he has all of the power, when he kind of does?


Not a Jersey Chaser Betch (kind of)

Dear Not a Jersey Chaser Betch (yes you are),

I checked and this site has been around a little over two years. While I appreciate the toll that multiple weekly blackouts can take on your mental faculties, I hope that February of 2011 is not as “long as you can remember.” Quick, what’s the capital of Honduras? Nope, it’s Tegucigalpa. Tighten up.

No, no one is above the betches’ (or my) advice. The reason you’re not winning with the football bros is that you aren’t playing the game to begin with. By definition, you cannot win with someone you’re actively and obviously trying to get with. No matter which school you attend, the football players are going to be by far the dumbest people on campus at any given time. I went to a prestigious as fuck school that could have cared less about football, and most of them still wound up selling insurance or some shit after they graduated. Still, even football players can tell the jersey chasers from the girls who don’t even know what a football looks like.

They don’t talk about you in the locker room because with so many girls throwing themselves on their dicks, you probably aren’t that remarkable. As long as your most defined criterion for a guy is “plays football,” the players are always going to have the upper hand. If you want them to pursue you, first of all good luck because as you know, they practically live their lives swimming through a sea of vaginas. But if you want a chance, you have to make them see you as an actual person rather than another nameless jersey chasing fuckstick. The way to do that, thereby getting the power back on your side, is to not act like a nameless jersey chasing fuckstick. Have a life. Talk to other guys. You go to a D1 school, so it’s probably not small. Rock stars don’t pursue the groupies. They wife up the girls who couldn’t give a fuck that they’re rock stars.

Statistically Speaking None of them Will Ever Make it to the NFL,

Head Pro

Dear HeadPro,

I'll probably be chastised for this but I can't help but ask you since I'm too embarrassed to ask anyone else. I have been dating someone for 6 months and he is actually the definition of everything I've ever wanted. I'm about to graduate college, he's about to meet my parents, and everything is getting serious but going great.

So what's my problem? Checking phones.

Long story short ive caught him texting one other girl occasionally until I put a stop to that with his permission by telling her he wasn't interested. Her response didnt really make me think they were anything important it was kind of a nonchalant "me neither" and it was done. I know this makes me sound insane but really she would not stop with the stupid "how come I never see you downtown anymore?" BS and I was really tired of it. Plus to me if he didn't care about her why would he want to hurt me by flirting with some girl that didn't matter?

Ever since this happened I periodically check up on him-- I'm talking like once every two weeks not every other day but unlike with the bar slut I don't tell him I do it. I have never seen texts from the bar slut since. But I recently came across a few messages between him and his old college friend basically saying that I like him a lot more than he likes me, he wishes he weren't dating me on the weekends, and he's just riding it out but we don't really have a future. (For reference I really try to be cool and not prevent him from going out on the weekends so i have no idea what hes talking about. I've never been one of those controlling girls who dictates what a guy can do.)

Because I don't want him to get angry I didn't tell him about this and honestly we have no problems minus my insecurities. I did try to let him off the hook by asking him if he needed a break to which he responded both confused and panicked saying he never thought he'd given me indication of that. and hes right he hasnt. But here's my question: do guys just have these secrets they keep from their girlfriends and its basically harmless or am I dating a real creep who has no real feelings for me?

What I keep finding would honestly be harmless if I never saw it but if he really feels that way I definitely don't want to "trap" him. Help??


Worst girlfriend on the planet

Dear Neither Worst nor Best Girlfriend on the Planet,

So…. What you really mean is that nothing, literally nothing is going great? You mean that you have ALL of the problems, minus your well-founded insecurities? I’m just going to lay this out there: You and your relationship are fucked. How you don’t see it’s fucked and think it’s “harmless” is beyond me, but it is fucked all the same, without lube or consideration for its sexual satisfaction. I think the Head Betches need to come up with a name for this new kind of delusional dater, the kind who thinks everything is fine and believes the problems are all in her head, because this is like two weeks in a row now.

Yeah, phone snooping is bad. Everyone knows I hate that. But what you found (and continue to find) should be alarming as fuck, not something that would be “harmless if you never saw it.” Guys can be idiots, and sometimes we’ll maybe get a little too chatty with a girl, especially over text since we see it as harmless and not something that would go anywhere. Whatever, girls push their boobs up when they want to feel hot; guys entertain a text or two from another girl. But consider this: What incentive does he have to lie to his old friend? It’s not like it’s even another woman he’s trying to string along. If he’s saying these things, there’s no reason to believe it’s not how he actually feels.

Sure, guys keep secrets from their girlfriends, but they’re more the “I jerk off in double-digit quantities when you’re out of town” variety and less the “we have no future” kind of secrets. I don’t know if you’re desperate to get married or what, but you need to stop pinning this on your insecurities and realize that these are huge, monumental issues that aren’t your fault. If anyone has a problem, it’s him for being too much of a pussy to exit the relationship. Giving him an out won’t work. Your relationship might seem great when you have your blinders on, but it is not. It is fucked. It’s up to you to make your own out.

Maybe Don’t Introduce him to your Parents,

Head Pro

18 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Your Name says:

    “Fuckstick?”... that’s vulgar even for you.

    Posted on Reply
  2. undefined says:

    “Ride out our relationship”....WTF IS THAT? Clearly you’re insecure if you are sticking around some bro who doesn’t give a F*. Drop his ass and check yourself… UGH

    Posted on Reply
  3. How to win a football bro/pro says:

    Football bros/pros are pretty much all the same (trust me, I know—I married a great one and he’d be the first to agree with me on this). They’re not the brightest group of guys (likely from the daily hits to the head) and they know it. They tend to like girls/women who can compensate for them in that area but without making them feel stupid (that tends to be their biggest insecurity). At the end of the day most of them are romantics at heart when they don’t have hoards of whores spreading their legs after every win/loss or practice waiting for them. They subscribe to an old fashioned notion of winning a girls heart, but if it’s not a real challenge for them they’re not gonna bother trying.

    If you want to lock one down it’s pretty simple:
    1. Look super hott. If you’re not a 12 on a scale of 1-10 then you just don’t stand out enough to ever seriously date a football bro/pro
    2. Make it a challenge for him, he’s a natural competitor. Let him pursue you and continue to pursue you.
    3. When you do eventually get there, fuck like a champion. He’s an athlete so be prepared to keep up.
    4. Probably the single most important in winning a football bro/pro’s heart: KNOW HOW TO FUCKING COOK! And I mean really know how to cook—if you can’t make anything from scratch then just forget it. These are big guys who love to eat, most of which have grown up on mom’s homemade cooking (cooked with lots of love) and will always compare you to that. Find out what his favorite meal is, invite him and some teammates over for dinner… cook the shit out of that fucking meal (make sure to buy at least twice as much food as you would for normal sized people) and serve it properly. If you actually have legit cooking skills by the end of dinner every single one of his teammates will be telling him to lock you down. The way to a football bro/pro’s heart really is through his stomach.

    Posted on Reply
    • love says:

      Wow. So true. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for two years and he is an offensive lineman at a D1 school, and everything you just said is SO TRUE! I cook a huge meal for him and some of his football buddies usually once a week and they’re always asking for me to cook for them and telling them how great I am. Seriously, follow this lady’s advise! When I first met my bf I had no clue he played football and we met organically. He loved it and locked me down.

      Posted on Reply
    • On the spot says:

      Dating (or in your case marrying) any D1 athlete is hard but you just hit every single spot. Any girl seeing or ATTEMPTING to see an athlete needs I read this.

      Posted on Reply
    • ummm says:

      sorry is this the 1950s? your “advice” makes you sound like my grandmother - if your husband boyfriend or whoever only cares about you because you can cook etc then you live a sad sad life sweetie. real betches know that they don’t need to satisfy a guys every fucking whim

      Posted on Reply
      • Your Name says:

        i’m sorry but i didn’t read anything that said “wait at the door with a martini while remaining barefoot and pregnant”. this advice will work for pretty much any guy, not just athletes. don’t under estimate the power of being a great cook, especially today. guys love girls who can cook, archaic or not, it’s an extremely desirable trait. with so many spoiled “betches” out there who can’t even boil water a cooking betch sets herself even further above the rest.

        Posted on Reply
      • THANK YOU says:

        seriously who gives a shit? this isn’t “let’s all learn how to lock down a husband”. your advice may ring true, but for me, i dont care what i’m “supposed to do to learn how to get a boyfriend” he better get his ass ready to find a way to lock ME down. you’re pathetic and a bitch..NOT a betch.

        Posted on Reply
        • get real says:

          you are no where near awesome enough for that.  you have to put in effort just like he does, probably more because you suck

          Posted on Reply
  4. Greatest says:

    “Without lube and without consideration for its sexual satisfaction.”
    I love you.

    Posted on Reply
  5. TTH? says:

    ^You wrote those replies yourself and it’s kind of awful :/
    Sorry, not sorry.

    Posted on Reply
    • yes says:

      hahahaha yes like the same girl totally did write those comments. the excessive use of “so true” in caps locks gives it away, and that first comment after is a joke like no one would actually ever say that

      Posted on Reply
    • Married Betch says:

      Actually no, but good try. You can go shave your back now.

      Posted on Reply
  6. Ashley says:

    If you want a football pro/basketball pro to be…as long as you’re a hot blonde or a really good brunette, you’re in..
    black guys?
    And do you honestly think there’s only one of you pursuing athletes, not going all the way, letting them pursue you… when you think about it-a guy always pursues—some just comply quicker than others or not at all

    Posted on Reply
  7. FARRAH says:

    Second girl. He’s not interested. Maybe you want a boy to bring home to your parents or something-but don’t And if you have to say-you’re not one of those controlling girls, then you are and a little flirting here and there is healthy for a relationship. Acting on that is when people step out of line. I’m really blown away by your willful ignorance of the situation at hand. He’s not into it..

    Here’s a tip. I phone creeped before too. Not on a boyfriend, but on my roommate who I suspected was having a relationship with my boyfriend and then she would just leave her phone around more often-at least that’s how I perceived it-it was either my own guilt or her actually knowing I creeped-based on my reaction to my boyfriend…Each time, I found more and more things that indicated a secret relationship between the two-what she wanted
    Please don’t take this as him pretending to text things because he wants you to see it so you can fight and confess your love. IT is NOT. He doesn’t want a relationship. at all. You’re dumped after graduation.

    Posted on Reply
  8. Ang says:

    Head Pro you kill it

    Posted on Reply
  9. socal betch says:

    dead-fucking ON with both posts, especially the first. it is so perfectly accurate.

    i go to a private college, where school spirit and going to football games is equivalent to actually studying: it’s just doesn’t happen. here, girls ESPECIALLY do not even give one shit about the football team. that is why when the football guys there actually find a girl they are into they lock them down, that is if she has a brain and as suggested, doesn’t give a fuck that they actually play.

    the lax guys, however, actually swim in vagina, because they are a club and actually win against top schools. laxstitutes galore.

    Posted on Reply
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