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By The Betches on

One thing a betch should never be is thirsty. We mean both in the literal sense and also I mean like in the way our drug dealer uses it. Which is more meaningful I think.

But for the purposes of this article we mean like being actually thirsty. No self-respecting betch should ever be caught dead with dry mouth, or worse, chapped lips. Chapped lips are the first sign of dehydration, that you once used Proactiv, and that you generally need to get your shit together because there is no excuse for that.

Between #54 iced coffee, #44 Diet Coke, #74 bottled water, and every other liquid we’ve written about on this site, there is no reason a betch should ever be without some form of beverage on hand. After all, betches consume more beverages than actual food. For example if a betch shows up to class or like, the DMV without an iced coffee or green juice at hand you should immediately approach her to ask if everything's okay and if her parents are getting a divorce or something.

Another example is #161 brunch. If you're not ordering a water, iced coffee, an alcoholic brunch beverage (ie bloody mary, belini, mimosa, screw driver, just a shot), AND a diet coke because you're just in the mood for one then you're most likely not a betch. In other words if your waitress gives you dirty looks because there's really nowhere to put the food as there are way too many cups on the table then you're truly doing something right. 

In case you’re super indecisive or just started reading this shit (time to step up it up floser), here’s a brief rundown of our fave drinks.

Iced Coffee: As we’ve discussed, iced coffee is like the little black dress of beverages: perfect for all occasions. Whether it be at work, in class, at brunch, or in the midst of a polar vortex, as long as it’s before 5pm you will not see a betch without her iced coffee. However, no sane person drinks iced coffee after 5 because betches need their beauty rest and if they’re trying to stay up all night for whatever reason the obvious next move is Red Bull and a whole lot of determination.

Bottled water: Betch is hungover af or at the gym. Or hungover AF at the gym. Stainless steel water bottles are for weirdos who went to Middlebury and the only time a betch has ever been caught dead with a Nalgene was on Birthright.

Diet Coke: When you’re at dinner and trying to pretend like that salad you’re eating is actually making you feel full. TG carbonation is more filling than spinach otherwise we might actually have to like eat a wrap or something.

Coconut water: You’re hungover, but also have a masochistic side because why else would you drink something that makes you want to gag, when you’re trying your hardest not to throw up?

Wine: For when you’re trying to act sophisticated, or when you’re spending the night on your couch with Netflix, either one.

Green juice: You’re “doing a week long cleanse” except we all know the second Thursday night rolls around and you’ve had 6 vodka cranberries (which, by the way, are def not what they mean by “juice cleanse”) you’re going to be chin deep in a plate of Steak N Shake.

Vodka soda: The club soda aka water totally counteracts the vodka so you’re guaranteed to wake up with no hangover whatsoever, despite how many you drink. Backed by Science™. Also you don't get (as) fat. 

Vodka splash of cran: For when you have a UTI and refuse to not go out just because you’re on antibiotics and the pharmacist says drinking “isn’t a good idea.”

Red Bull: You just realized you have a 10 page paper due in 3 hours, and your regular Adderall supplier isn’t answering your texts, probably because he too is holing himself up in the first floor of the library where there’s no service.

As the Dos Equis man says, stay thirsty, betches. Except don’t because then you missed the entire point of this.

19 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. casuallydatingjamesfranco@17 says:

    Walking in late to class with an iced coffee is the betchiest move there is. It says “I’m here, but I don’t want to be, and if I’m going to tolerate you plebes, I’m gonna need some caffeine.”

    Posted on Reply
  2. John says:

    What kind of fucked up person wrote this? Jesus. Just trying to get through the first few paragraphs convinced me this author should be removed from the population immediately.

    Posted on Reply
    • betch says:

      what the fuck are you doing on this site

      Posted on Reply
    • John says:

      You’re a bitch, John. Not a Betch (those who are of the higher class and can afford to double fist it at all times). How else do you think we keep our gloriously hydrated skin? We fucking shimmer whereas you are DULL. Go find another site that can help you understand your povo ways. Byeee xx

      Posted on Reply
  3. yes says:

    So spot on. I can’t go to brunch without ordering at least three different beverages.

    Posted on Reply
  4. too true says:

    my fiance always complains that I take up cup holders in the car… now I can just direct him to this haha

    Posted on Reply
  5. vivalabetch says:

    i have at least 3 bevs on my desk at all times.

    Posted on Reply
  6. Almost says:

    All betchy except the diet coke.. Who still drinks soda?

    Posted on Reply
  7. on point says:

    This was so on point betches, I have 3 beverages on my desk right now.

    Posted on Reply
  8. Hangover Brunch says:

    allll about the beverage buffet. Water, coffee, diet coke, and a double vodka ceasar for the Canadian betches

    Posted on Reply
  9. UM, ok says:

    A bunch of entitled LA brats write this blog. So do you charge your iced coffee to mommy or daddy’s credit card?

    Posted on Reply
    • Oh dear god says:

      You are obviously in the wrong place, leave this site you plebeian

      Posted on Reply
    • lol says:

      You do know that you can make it at home too, right? I mean it is an option - not all people who drink iced coffee buy it at starbucks every day… you’re a little judgmental, i would say… fucking brat…

      Posted on Reply
  10. #lostsiteofallpriorities says:

    This might be why I spend half my days on the toilet peeing . Such a waste if my time and toilet paper. Yay hydration!!!

    Posted on Reply
  11. what. i think i missed a birthday says:

    ew who makes ice coffee at home….  obvi starbucks ice coffee is the only ICED COFFEE.
    Noone can imitate the ice to coffee ratio like a Starbucks barista.



    Posted on Reply
  12. #shutyourface says:

    YOU HAVE TO ASK FOR LIGHT ICE AT STARBUCKS, FUCKING DUH.  3:1 ratio at best, nothing to imitate here, sweetie.  Bye.

    Posted on Reply
  13. hahaha says:

    ^ lol ouuu someone’s mad? what are you talking about even? poser.
    not sure why you’re saying bye either on a public forum. Get some self esteem.

    Posted on Reply
    • Umm says:

      Oh Hi! is this your first day on the internet? K, byeeee!

      Posted on Reply
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