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By The Betches on

So last night there was the option of watching Girls win like a milli golden globes or watching its very own season premiere, but much like Hannah I had my cake and ate it too and watched both and fucking loved them. It's rare that we recap anything in a real and honest way, but I loved this episode for so many reasons. From the way Lena's writing has gotten way quicker, funnier, and just generally better, to the sick Bruce cover in the closing credits it's easily the best half hour I've watched in 2013. Ok that's enough non-sarcastic praise for one recap.

Of course within the first three minutes there was already no shortage of Hannah's naked body or Marnie being a stuckup bitch. Hannah's even hooking up with a black guy, because once a JAB has lost her virg to a gentile they really needed a new way to push the envelope, and apparently interracial dating is the boundary du'jour. Whats next, anal sex? Trannies? Pinkberry vs. Red Mango?

Hannah and Marnie have completely switched places this season in that Hannah has her shit together, with multiple guys who are into her, paying jobs and a new gay BFF roomie who's way more fun than Marnie. Meanwhile Marnie has no job, a psychotic anorexic mother who's casually Tom Hanks' wife, and as evident by her willingness to fuck her best friend's gay ex-boyfriend, has moved out on Hannah and is currently residing in the third circle of desperation. Oh my how the second-hand salvation army coffee table has turned.

And then there's Shoshanna. She's without hymen and apparently has taken to incense and spiritual incantations to fill her inner void, pun inevitable. Did she get these dreamlike smoke substances from the shuk on birthright or the crack store in Brooklyn? Between her karaoke and her interactions with Ray she really was the star of the episode. We will say this, Ray's pickup line of "pretty bitchin cheese plate you brought over" was apparently O M G effin' amaze, because they hooked up in the end. Also, defriending him on Facebook...huge amateur move...she would.

Oh, and nice half head of braids Jessa, you and Officer Rhodes really blend in with the Mexicans now. 

Quotes of the Night

"I'm sorry I have a boner, it's not for you."

"When you love someone you don't have to be nice to them all the time."  The best shady asshole line since "it is what it is."

Marnie's mom: You wouldn't talk to your friends like this..
Marnie: I talk to my friends way worse than this.

"I wouldn't even sleep with a cater waiter, and they're MY age." Sure Marnie, but you'd sleep with a guy who takes it up the ass.

"You sent me...a panda next to a gun next to a wrapped gift!?"  Best line of the night because duh, we wouldn't NOT send that to someone.

"Bisexuals are like the only people left you can make fun of. Bisexuals and Germans."

Last season finale recap >>


29 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Ewww says:

    Lena should keep her clothes on.  Seeing her ass made me vomit.

    And Allison should go topless.  She shouldn’t get special treatment just because she’s Brian Williams daughter.  This is HBO.

    Posted on Reply
    • KK says:

      Allison Williams isn’t getting special treatment. Lena is the only one going topless all the time. Think about it. Have we ever seen Shoshanna’s or Jessa’s boobs? Lena Dunham must just love showing off her weird boobs that are way too small for her body.

      Posted on Reply
      • nono says:

        do you even watch hbo?  game of thrones?  they all go topless.  if she was a real working actress and not a spoiled brat she would not have gotten the part without agreeing to go topless.  And shoshanna and jessa are also the daughters of famous people…..but i don’t hate them as much because they can at least act.  allison williams is a really bad actress, and she should not have gotten the part.

        Posted on Reply
  2. ugh says:

    this is the worst show on tv.  why are you recapping it?  Is hbo paying you or something?

    Posted on Reply
    • yeah no... says:

      this girl doesn’t even go here. girls is legit, and if you’re a betch you obviously watch it or appreciate its appeal.

      Posted on Reply
      • uh noo says:

        if you’re a hipster you might “appreciate its appeal” but if you’re a betch, you make fun of it.  who wants to live in brooklyn, anyawy?

        Posted on Reply
      • uh noo is right says:

        what “appeal”
        does seeing that chick practically naked appeal to you.

        sounds like someone is a lazy bulimic.

        Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      If you hate it, then why are you reading the recap and commenting on it? Stop wasting your time and ours.

      Posted on Reply
      • Your Name says:

        call me a philistine, but i have to agree….THIS SHOW IS TERRIBLE.  and i think allison williams is just as annoying as blake lively.

        Posted on Reply
  3. sigh. says:

    hooking up with a black guy isn’t “pushing the envelope”....unless it’s suddenly 1957 and no one told me.

    Posted on Reply
    • true says:

      and no hot black guy would hook up with someone who looked like lena

      Posted on Reply
  4. amaze says:

    oh em elfin gee. this is golden.

    Posted on Reply
  5. oh my effing G says:

    love shosh..her karaoke and air Dj’ing? amazing

    Posted on Reply
  6. Hippie Betch says:

    Amazzzing show. Good recap except for the unneccessary Jewish comments. Also, Shoshanna was smudging, meaning she was burning sage, not incense. It is the greatest show on TV and lena is a genius.

    Posted on Reply
    • true says:

      i don’t think its possible for them to make it through any recap without an unnecessary Jewish comment

      Posted on Reply
  7. ? says:

    You’re all missing the fact that Troy Barnes is in this episode .. hello

    Posted on Reply
    • Totally says:

      Troy and Abed in the mooorning!

      Posted on Reply
    • Wha-What says:

      Troy Barnes is my spirit animal

      Posted on Reply
  8. Adelophobic says:

    Adele and Lena are “betches” now???
    What is the world coming to? Fat girls being betchy
    I can appreciate Adele with her pretty face and good voice. But lena? She’s the complete opposite of a betch
    Shes a disgusting fat cow.

    Posted on Reply
  9. Sarah says:

    how the fuck could you leave out Shoshannas best line of the night “i may be deflowered, but i am not devalued” talk about amateur move

    Posted on Reply
  10. Typical says:

    Lena’s one more successful season away from losing the weight, so she’ll be an acceptable betch soon enough.

    Posted on Reply
  11. ugh says:

    i hate nepotism, and i hate this show.

    Posted on Reply
  12. hater says:

    lena dunham is a navel-gazing slut.  she should become a porn star because obviously she loves to have people watch her having sex.

    Posted on Reply
  13. haterade says:

    People of color should celebrate their own non-representation in the navel-gazing, tv-mumblecore hellscape that is HBO Girls.  They’ve dodged a bullet.

    Posted on Reply
  14. Oh my. says:

    I love how almost every single person to comment thus far has been an arsehole. I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy.

    Posted on Reply
  15. nojoke says:

    i don’t understand why everyone is hating on this show. like it’s on hbo, unless you pay for that channel you have to actively seek out other ways to watch it. so if you don’t like it, don’t watch it. and it actually tries to portray women in realistic ways—imperfect, with flaws and not amazing bodies. if you think someone like lena dunham—who is smart and witty—needs to lose weight, then you have insecurities for sure. i am so happy that a show like this exists, instead of stupid shit like pretty little liars and all that cw crap that just shows pretty people getting into petty drama

    Posted on Reply
    • what? says:

      there’s NOTHING realistic about this show.  Lena doesn’t know what it’s like to be upper middle class because she grew up in a wealthy NYC artist family.  She should just stick to writing about what she actually knows and stop insulting the middle class.  This show is in no way realistic.

      Posted on Reply
      • hi says:

        If you don’t live in NY you cannot comment on the realism of it. These people exist. these parties exist. people look like that, dress like that, act like that and yes, its just as cringeworthy in real life as it is watching it on tv,

        Posted on Reply
    • YESSSSSSSS says:

      Yes betch yes! Tell’em girl! Haha. This show is the shit and if you’re a girl who doesn’t like Girls you’re probably a piece of shit person.

      This show is life my betches.

      Posted on Reply
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