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By The Betches on

fugtorialistHi, Betches.

I’m the Fugtorialist, here to make your J. Brand pastel-colored jeans and Alexander Wang bucket bag look about as hip as butterfly clips and platform Sketchers. You can think of me as a younger, less wrinkly version of Joan Rivers or like, a Sherpa who will steer you away from dressing like Miley.


xoxo, The Fugtorialist


NM’s Fugliest

There's a lot of seriously fugly fashion out there and I’m not talking about the obvious Ed Hardy variety, but like top-shelf shit from our favorite places to text&shop (aka Neiman’s, Bloomies, and BG). This weekend I strolled into Neiman Marcus post boozy brunch and came across some of the most terrifying shit ever. I had to stop and dry heave over a garbage can because some of the clothes and shoes I saw actually brought me to that level. Like, I was at the point where I wanted to be Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman and have them ask me to leave the store. So basically, don’t fucking wear these clothes unless you want people to start calling you Hanna Horvath.

 


Dolce & Gabbana Tomato-Print Sweetheart Dress ($2,681) - Some days, I wake up and say to myself: "You know what? I would love to look like a tomato today." Like, what screams Zooey Deschanel/quirky-chic more than a '40s-esque tomato-print frock? It's fucking genius—like no one will ever notice that I’m not eating, because I’m literally swathed in tomatoes. For the indecisive fashionista, they have also done us a huge favor and designed onion and eggplant prints. My dream of showing up to the rooftop party dressed like the ingredients in a fajita is finally coming true! See it here>>

fugtorialist neiman marcus


Stella McCartney Argyle Sweater Dress ($1,050) - If Mr. Rogers fucked my 5th grade art teacher, this sweater would be its love child. Like, what am I supposed to do with this? Wear it to the tri-state area Jester Convention? Even a fucking minstrel on Game of Thrones wouldn’t be subjected to this sartorial water-boarding. See it here>>

fugtorialist neiman marcus

Giuseppe Zanotti Tasseled Velvet Loafer ($750) - When I heard that this was a “smoking slipper,” I got more excited than Jessica Simpson over a buttered Pop Tart. Penny loafers to blaze in? Jackpot. Some of them are actually cute—like the leopard ones. But take a gander at this mess. Between the crimson velvet and bejeweled tassels, it’s like a Renaissance fair junkie’s wet dream. I don’t know how else to describe these shoes other than they are what I would imagine it would be like having to smell K. Stew’s breath in the morning. See it here>>

fugtorialist neiman marcus

 

Jimmy Choo Iris Beaded Crochet Sandal ($1001) - Jimmy Choo can do no wrong, SJP? How do you explain this—Rastafarian couture? Also, what the fuck was this made with? Saltwater taffy and the leftover material from the embroidered beach bag I bought on our 2005 family vaca to the Cayman Islands? See it here>>

fugtorialist neiman marcus

 

Burberry Brit Exploded Check Tunic ($395) - Sweet plaid. Apparently this is from the Old Navy for Neiman Marcus collab. See it here>>

fugtorialist neiman marcus
 


Kate Spade Melinda Floral Vinyl Print Satchel ($278) - This bag reminds me of something a fat 50-something named Linda/Peggy with calloused feet would wear. Like, waltzing into her nail salon with this concotion. Omg thank you for asking, Phuy-Then. I got this on my trip to New York City for 75% off from this lovely African man in this quaint little side street called Canal Street! See it here>>

fugtorialist neiman marcus


JWLA for Johnny Was Smith Embroidered Tunic ($140) - Oh my gosh, maternity section at Target how did you sneak in there? Oh wait, nevermind, it’s JWLA (seriously though, who the fuck is that?). Somewhere, Isaac Mizrahi is gleefully clapping his hands. See it here>>

fugtorialist neiman marcus

If you want to contact The Fugtorialist email her at thefugtorialist@gmail.com and follow @fugtorialist on Twitter!

25 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Anonymous says:

    Thank God, this needed to happen. Being able to read a label does not a betch make.

    Posted on Reply
  2. loo says:

    seriously though. wtf is that mormon plaid paper bag scenario? disgust.

    Posted on Reply
  3. Melissa says:

    Omg I am so excited about this column. Talking shit on a new level.

    Posted on Reply
  4. Anonymous says:

    Those Jimmy Choos: totally circa JLO’s 2000 Grammy Versace jungle dress. AND her Waiting for Tonight/raver/nature fest music video. Wasn’t Jenny supposed to be from the block?

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    Vera Bradley is now designing for Kate Spade? Ugh. Vom dot com. Disgusting.

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    whats wrong with old navy?

    Posted on Reply
    • cnderellabetch says:

      if you have to ask, you’ll never be chic.

      Posted on Reply
  7. Rachel says:

    All I have to say is thank you.

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonymous says:

    Finding fugly shit is easy, bring back the fashion blog!

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    Old Navy Complaints in no particular order: their commercials (they stopped trying to book people that would model their clothing so they just switched to mannequins, cheap fabric, wrinkled clothing, clothes that could fit a fucking whale, beach bags that actually look like they should be at the beach, the store associates wear lanyards, pastel plaid, skorts, you’d be more comfortable on concrete than in their shoes, listen…don’t get me wrong you can look great on a budget but out of 50 items very few of them would be able to mix with higher end items and not look like that cheap, fake satin, creased, halter from Old Havy

    Posted on Reply
  10. Mary Cate says:

    From one fashion loving betch to another, this is my favorite post all week! Loved the Zooey Deschanel dig, and who in their right mind would wear the JWLA I’m expecting top??

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    OMG. Not beach bags that could actually be used at the beach?! The HORROR!!

    Posted on Reply
  12. Emily says:

    HAHA You could not be more rIght on with the vera thing! Like who carries those things except fat southern sorority girls?

    Posted on Reply
    • stef says:

      i fucking hate kate spade / vera bradley , ugly as fuck for the fattest sweatiest bitches out there

      Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    seriously. go away. throw on some old navy fleece so you can stay warm in front of the refrigerator.

    Posted on Reply
  14. Anonymous says:

    fucking leggings worn as pants.  makes me want to vom

    Posted on Reply
  15. Anonymous says:

    Like how do you know so much about old navy?? Eww.

    Posted on Reply
  16. Anonymous says:

    lol. you ‘betches’ take this shit waaayy too seriously

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anonymous says:

    ahhhhhhh love this so much!

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    this is one of the best editions yet. my “fashionista” sister wears shit like this all the time and thinks it’s great because it’s expensive. thankfully im not the only one that had been noticing this fucking hideous “fashion” infiltrating young girls’ closets lately. vom.

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    Should I be ashamed to say I liked the A Wang bucket?

    Posted on Reply
  20. MissAudreyP says:

    Oh my god. This article = major LOLz. Literally cracked up, these items are truly fug.
    Love you Fugtorialist!

    Posted on Reply
  21. Lucifer Sam says:

    I’m actually in love with quite a few of these items, really..

    Posted on Reply
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