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By The Betches on

Head Betches, my story begins here. It’s October of my sophomore year of college. Its Friday night and me and my girls decide to go out for an early dinner before embarking on an evening of madness. We decide to try this new place. Lets just call it “Lennie’s” to be safe. As a true betch, I knew I wanted something delicious yet not to filling because I was clearly trying to get blacked out and make bad decisions. I am told the meatballs were the restaurant’s specialty, so I opted for the appetizer meatballs that should be enough to coat my stomach so that I can make it through the night.

After a delicious meal, we go back home, nap, shower, and get ready for the night. After an extensive pregame from 11-12 with my girls, we walk out of our apartment feeling great. We head to the boy’s apartment for the pregame and naturally, drink until we can drink no more. We all stumble to the bar at around 1:30am. At this point it is past game over.  I run into my friend…lets just call him “Jerry”, and his older brother who is in town. We get to the next bar and drink a bit more. At 3am, the bar is closing so we head back to Jerry’s apartment to go get high. Me and Jerry’s brother sit on the couch. I do not know if 2 words were spoken between me and Jerry’s brother. Next thing I know we're running out to door towards my apartment. IT WAS ON.

We get back to my room and he ripps my pants off, throws me on to the bed, and starts going down on me. We flip over and I start taking his pants off. I get his pants off and to my surprise his penis is a FUCKING MONSTER. And listen..I've delt with many different sized penii, and to this date, I have never seen anything like this. You are probably thinking that you’ve seen bigger. Ok, if you have seen something bigger than 10 inches, you win. But at the time, it was like omg what the fuck am I going to do with this! Naturally, I put it in my mouth.

Now, some girls give head, and some girls don’t. I do. I am also a master. I can tell he is enjoying every second of it. It obviously gets really intense and so I start gagging (happens all the time). But then it's getting worse and worse. I am like alright, lets try to keep it down. I compose myself for a moment and I continue. I gag more but manage to keep it down it, while still giving head. But then...I feel it all coming up. After about another 30 seconds, it's like, shit I'm fucked and not the way I want to be. All of a sudden here comes the meatballs. I puke on his dick, mid head. I slyly move my head away and ripp my shirt off. During this time, he turns around to take off his shirt. At this point, puke still in mouth, I spit puke in my shirt, while getting half of it on the corner of my bed. But, he doesn’t notice. Like, legitimately he has no idea what I have just done. He gets back into my bed and proceeds to fuck me. I can smell the puke. It’s disgusting, but at this point, how am I not going to let this guy have sex with me? I fucking choked on his horsecock that made me puke all over my own bed. In my mind he owes me…not the other way around.

We have rough intense sex. I’m tearing from the pain and from the fact that it legitimately smells like puke in my room and we are neglecting to acknowledge it. He comes and its time for him to leave. First of al, this is a one night stand,  2nd, I puked on your dick and you don’t know, I’m too embarrassed to ever have you spend the night. I walk him to the door and he kisses me. As he is about to walk away he looks at me and says, “did you puke a little bit in your room?” Of course I would never admit to anything like this so I replied, “what are you talking about?”. He says “goodnight”.

The next morning I wake up knowing I had some really great sex. Clearly I wake up the next morning stupid early dying for water. , It's 8 am and I feel like I just got hit by a train. I can feel my body is sore. As I stand in my room I get a whiff of some nasty ass smell. “Who puked in the living room again?"  I go to grab the first thing I can find to put on. IT'S A FUCKING SHIRT COVERED IN PUKE. What the fuck is going on here?! I throw it on the floorimmediately in utter disgust. But that smell is so strong, what is on my shirt can't possibly be the only thing I am smellingI straighten out my comforter to find my fucking duvet covered in puke, and cum all over it. Ew. I am disgusting. It's 8 am, I have no dignity, and my life is covered in puke. Oh did I use a condom? I have no idea. I am not on birth control. Did he come just on my blanket? I do not remember telling him to not come inside of me so by process of elimination yeah I am going to say he came inside of me.  And he left his fucking watch. Great, this kid is going to tell his brother “Jerry” that I puked on his dick after when he realizes what he did last night/that his watch is missing. I do the logical thing. I get back in bed and go back to sleep. After a $30 dry cleaning bill and $50 plan B, I can safely say, “the meatballs were a bad choice”.


Dear Meatballs Were A Bad Choice,

That story was filled with horsecocks and vomit. My vag feels like it’s being fucked by a phantom forearm as we speak. In fact, I just puked up meatballs and I don’t think I’ve even eaten them since 8th grade. In other words, I feel for you. Any betch would be lying if she said she’s never gagged whilst giving a bj. And for those of you who ‘don’t give bj’s’, you’re all hopeless, selfish, lost souls. Or lesbians. MOVING ON.

You handled this situation in the best way one can possibly handle gracefully regurgitating meatballs in an intimate setting. You played it cool, tucked away your dinner into your shirt (which hopefully wasn’t cute because it’s fucking ruined), and proceeded to get it in after having your esophagus terrorized by a torpedo. It was the best-case scenario. Yes, he asked you afterwards if you puked which means he 100% knew that you did, but he clearly didn’t give a shit because he gave you his watch, which was actually really nice of him.

The only thing we have to say is that next time you’re blowing some dude and not only have gagged multiple times but you've gone through the mental process of noting that you may or may not throw up, STOPPPPP immediately. Get that dick away from your face. Switch to another activity, and if you’re really feeling generous then you can come back to it later. But there’s no reason why someone should willingly/knowingly puke on anything except maybe someone you hate. And for anyone who is eating meatballs/drinking heavily, there are only two legitimate things to keep in mind. 1) Puke them up before you go out 2) Never, ever eat balls of ground meat again.

xx

The Betches

 

Last week's Fucking Fridays: I want my pink shirt back

 

Send your crazy sex stories to headbetches@betcheslovethis.com 

18 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. ew. says:

    um ew to this whole post but more importantly…why the hell did you get back into that bed and sleep in a come/vomit filled duvet..?!?!

    Posted on Reply
    • Rude says:

      If you aren’t a Head Betch, or a Head Pro, don’t judge someone as to why they would sleep in a come/vomit filled duvet. It’s fucking 2012, at least she was comfortable.. I mean, she showered so who gives a fuck. Also, if I had the choice of sleeping in my disgusting bed, or the bed of the fugly ass that roofied me the night before, which I’m sure has happened to you, I would choose the former. And furthermore, it’s also better than passing out on the front lawn, or taking the walk of shame on Fraternity Row.

      Posted on Reply
      • lol says:

        lol@ you. This whole site is devoted to judging people.

        Posted on Reply
        • Fucktard says:

          Obvi you didn’t read the whole comment. You’re a fucktard.

          Posted on Reply
  2. Anon says:

    This story made me throw up I my mouth. Then I went to the bathroom to handle that

    Posted on Reply
    • vom x 10000 says:

      omg same. why was this published?? it is absolutely nauseating.

      Posted on Reply
  3. anon says:

    “having your esophagus terrorized by a torpedo” hahahah dying

    Posted on Reply
  4. betchez says:

    YOU ARE A TREW BETCH. BEST STORY EVER. LEZBE FRIENDS.

    Posted on Reply
  5. EL OH EL says:

    OMG, seriously the most hilarious, insane shit ever. Props, betch.

    Posted on Reply
  6. wait..... says:

    Is no one worried about the fact that she proceeded to put her own bile and stomach acid from puking into her vagina by way of his penis?

    Posted on Reply
    • YEP says:

      my first thoughts when i read this disaster of a story. fucking ew

      Posted on Reply
    • seriously says:

      glad she took plan b, but there’s no way this girl is not getting an infection. is the definition of betchy really smashing meatballs, disregarding your nausea until you puke on a dick, and getting painfully railed by a pukey dick?

      move it to the shower next time.

      Posted on Reply
    • yuck. says:

      my thoughts exactly. funny post though.

      Posted on Reply
  7. Hilar. says:

    This story is hilarious. It reminds me of some Tucker Max type shit.

    Posted on Reply
  8. cbizzle says:

    Legend wait for it…. DARY!

    Posted on Reply
  9. whore says:

    props for being a nauseating sloppy dumb fuck.

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    BRING BACK FUCKING FRIDAYS. i love this shit.

    Posted on Reply
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